Beyond our Plans

          I know it has been a few weeks since I have had the motivation to share the crazy ever changing circumstances of our lives. In all honesty I don't even know where to begin or how to begin since our move to Cato. Our lives have yet again proved with great insistence that we are not going to have an easy ride through life. It has been no secret that we had been faced with a trying job and living situations. We tried so hard to make the situation work, but as the days continued and the weeks grew longer and longer, we were wrought with one situation after another. Eventually due to a health concern and yet another frustrating situation we were forced to make a decision. Do we stay and deal with these circumstances and risk my health, bitterness, and anger to take over our lives or do we leave and trust that God will continue working in this home? It was a very difficult decision to make, but over the course of the next week the answer was clear. It was time to leave.

          There is a time and a season for everything, for this family the time was a little more than a month. In the time that we were with the kids, we saw a huge change in both of them. The little boy started praying and regularly asking for us to pray with him and the little girl started opening up and sharing things on her heart. It was obvious to us that God was beginning to work in the lives and hearts of these children. In many ways I felt like we were failing God and these children; as if we were abandoning them without a care. God knows our hearts were so far from wanting to leave those precious children but we knew we could not continue to purposely keep ourselves in a situation that was not healthy, or deepening our relationship with Christ. A few weeks prior, we knew we couldn't just give up and that God was not yet opening a door for us to get out of the situation. But as the week progressed, more options became available. Starting things off Alex's job transfer failed to go through leaving him driving over an hour to get to work every day, thereafter more pieces began to fall in place and before we knew it we were preparing ourselves to move on.


          Unfortunately the conversation with my boss didn't go over well and we ending up moving out entirely that night. We are so thankful that we were able to bring one of our closest friends with us to pack up and get out due to the fact that things were not going over very well. The guys managed to pack up and clean up in just an hour and a half. After all was said and done we had never been so relieved to be out of a situation before. For now we are staying with my parents until I get a job and we can get into an apartment. It is frustrating not to be in our own place and to be out of a job, but over all we are so thankful to have a roof over our head and food in our bellies. We are surrounded by so many incredible people who daily reach out and minister to us. God has been good to us, and we know that He is leading us somewhere. For now we are practicing patience and faith, and learning to trust even through uncertain times.

Thank you for all of your prayer and thoughts.

Love,
Leah



         

What Have We Gotten Ourselves Into?

                     You would think that after seven months of consistently not expecting what God would do in our lives that we would learn to not expect anything in particular. In fact giving room and a large allowance for the unexpected. But God knows that we don't learn things very easily, so it goes to prove once again that indeed God allows, leads and intervenes in our lives in ways which we would never prepare for. Our most recent venture stands on terms no less unanticipated. The only difference is that this endeavor so far persists ever more onerous; seemingly impossible at moments.

                    Upon moving in with this new family as the live in nanny with my funny lovable husband the question has repeated itself more times than either of us care to admit: "What on earth have we gotten ourselves into?"

                   I have been faced with a multitude of shocking situations, disheartening realities, and frustrating circumstances over and over again. This home is beyond disorganized and in desperate need of a relationship with Christ. The circumstances and needs of this home are so far above and beyond anything I expected or feel that I have to give. There is no doubt in either of our minds that this family is in desperate need of an intervention and an example of a God honoring Christ centered relationship. With a single small bed room and bathroom of our own, we have otherwise been placed in a whirlwind  of emotions and expectations. We were not expecting to become like parents and missionaries to this family. Apparently God had a different idea in mind- I should have known.

              Over the first two weeks we tried so hard to convince ourselves that this couldn't possibly be where God wanted us, but circumstances proved to differ. God intentionally made certain that we wouldn't be able to find a way out of this. He made it near impossible to question where He wanted us. So having accepted that we are supposed to be here, we are now trying our hardest to find contentment in our living situation.

             The job itself has been one of the most exhausting jobs I have ever worked. The hours over the first week ended up being anywhere from 6:30 in the morning until 8:30 that night every day. With three dogs, four cats, other small animals, and a large house to clean, in addition to the two kids I watched, the days ended up being very long and stressful.  After two weeks of this crazy schedule and work load, I built up the courage to meet with and discuss the situation with my boss. Until that morning, the reality of my insecurity in talking over disagreements and challenging another person became painfully evident to me. I have never been so terrified to talk to someone before. I was so afraid of what she would say or do when I brought up some of the uncomfortable situations.  However, being convinced that God would desire an honest and mature attempt at communication instead of allowing bitterness and discontent to build up in my heart, I submitted to Him.  The conversation ended up going over very well, and since last weekend things have been going much smoother in relation to the work hours and the work load.

              Though the days aren't quiet so long, I am still amazed at the need of God's presence in this house hold. This will not be an easy couple of years. We need prayer, patience and a lot of wisdom. God willing we will touch these beautiful kids and this Mother and maybe learn a thing or two from them. We are going to be full time missionaries here and we pray that God continues to lead us.  I think it is painfully obvious that we have no idea what we are doing. I am so thankful to my friends and family who have been encouraging both Alex and I through the last few weeks, and I have no doubt that we will continue to rely on the wisdom and insight others will bring into our simple understanding. Thank God we don't have to rely on our own experiences to work through this.

Here are a few picture of our new "very messy" room:

             Love to all,
Leah

             


         
           

                   

A Tribute to an Incredible Family

             For the last seven to eight months, I have worked with three incredible children and their parents. I have watched the twins go from crawling to standing to walking, and their sweet sister grow a year older all the more sweet and smart. I have watched this family grow, worked with them through some rough weeks, as they worked with me. I have nannied for several families, but this family will always have a special place in my heart. The thought of little Emma will always bring a smile to my face.  I have been so blessed to know and work with this family, I thank God for the moments both sad and happy and I'd never change a day I had with them. No words will ever suffice as an adaquate description of the love I have for this family.

             Today was my last day working for this beloved family. It was one of the most difficult last day's I have ever been through. I fought back tears all day as Chase's dimple smile flashed at me while sitting on my lap, and when Sophia giggled as I played tickle monster, and as Emma snuggled up next to me with to watch Cinderella. My heart broke in two as I walked out that door today. I am so happy that it is not goodbye forever, but I will still miss our lazy movie days, or moments baking in the kitchen, and playing with the babies on the floor. I am excited with where God is leading me and Alex, but I cannot keep the misery of our parting away.

            Thank you to the Clukey family for the incredible last months I have had to share with you. I will always love you and miss you. You have each taught me so much and I will never forget you!

With all my love,
Leah

God Has Opened Doors-Always Uncomfortably Certain

              Over the last few days we have panicked and worried over our jobs and housing situation. There were moments where we felt like things would never get better, and that God just didn't have a plan and didn't care about us. In the same month we lost our car and our apartment and we struggled with health issues. Just when things started to look up, our world would come crashing down all around us once again. Deep in my own heart, I know God has had a plan all the while, but in the moment when we didn't have the money, time, or means of provision, faith seems little more than a inadequate luxury.  It is hard to believe that God truly cares for you when one thing after another comes cascading down around your feet. Even though all of our needs were met, and we always had just enough to make it by (many times without understand how or where the money or means would come from), we still struggled shaking off the anxiotey and doubt we had in where God was leading us. We were so foolish.

            Last Saturday we spent the day packing the last of our things, moving and cleaning. We were have financial complications with one of our bank accounts which was in the negative at the time. This one only one of the many frustrations and concerns we had. We had no money, were in the process of being kicked out of our apartment, and had no idea where we were going to go. I had spent that whole morning praying and praying. Part of me was confident in what God was allowing, knowing that He must be leading us somewhere, but when I discovered our financial crisis that morning all hope and faith slowly began to crumble. I was excited to see where God was leading us and at the fact that we wouldn't be exposed to the mold any longer, but I was making myself sick worrying about how we would make it through the next few days. We had taken a break and I had gotten the last of our mail. The first few envelops contained bills and insurance notes, I found myself hyperventilating and praying that God would provide the money for gas and the bills I had just received. I opened the next envelop to find a $17.53 check from our insurance for mileage compensation the day of the accident. It wasn't much but I knew it would be enough to get us gas to get to work. I stared at the next envelop scared to open it afraid that it would contain another notice begging for money. As I opened it I felt my jaw drop. There in the envelop was a check for $77.00. I could feel tears rising in my eyes. Somehow we were over charged for car registration and they had mailed us this check as compensation. It couldn't have come at better time. With money to spare we were enabled to attain gas and deposit in our negative account. Alex and I were beyond thankful, there was no doubt in our mind that God was providing.

           The checks instilled peace and faith in our hearts and we were able to relax trusting that God was just going to continue to provide. From that point on we continued unloading and reloading my parents van smiling and teasing each other like old times. I dropped Alex off at work shortly thereafter and then went back to the apartment to clean. I wasn't in the apartment for more than five minutes when I got a message from a woman through my nannying company. It was from a single Mother living outside of Syracuse who wanted a live-in Nanny to take care of her home and two children. My heart literally skipped a beat. Could this possibly be God opening another door for us? Ordinarily I would have never ever considered a live-in position due to the fact that I was a married woman. Most people wouldn't even consider taking in a live-in married couple. I waited to respond giving thought and prayer to the possible situation as I finished cleaning. Later that evening before I sat down to dinner with my family, I responded offering my phone number and the opportunity to talk through the situations. Not 30 minutes later she called me. We ended up talking for an hour or so, and I walked away from the conversation with a date for an official interview and a connection with this mother.  I was torn with the possibility. On one hand I would be forced to leave the family I work for now which would break my heart to pieces, but it would put us in a position where we wouldn't have to worry about an apartment or utilities and have an opportunity to work full time. The next few days passed and we kept searching for apartments in the area without any responses.

                 Wednesday night came and we drove out to the interview hopeful and painfully skeptical, we weren't sure what to expect or if this would be any possible reality. We were desperate but not desperate enough to take just any apartment or  job that could potentially put us in an unnecessarily  stressful situation. We had made a pact with each other that we would not walk away having accepted the job without taking a day or two to think it over and pray about it but we were not prepared for the situation we were walking into. We drove up to a beautiful yellow home, with a pool and trampoline in the back yard, well maintained and fairly new. It was beautiful. We were greeted by a lovely woman and her three well-behaved dogs. As we were shown in, we met her two beautiful and darling children and her boyfriend. The men connected instantly while admiring each other's beards. For anyone who may not know, a beard speaks a lot about a man; it is man lingo for masculinity and respect. Alex says that the man with the better beard is always to be respected and looked up to.  We instantly fell in love with the family. Without realizing it five hours had passed and midnight was upon us like cinderella at the ball. We talked about everything under the moon, for Alex and I there was no question: God had been leading us here. We were hired on the spot and accepted.

               There are times where God simply makes Himself visibly clear. That evening it was like He was standing in front of us smiling, telling us that we were home. As we drove home we talked wondered at how God brought us to this point. Even the car accident was necessary for this job to work due to the miles Alex is going to be driving daily in order to live there. I would have never been able to take the job had we our apartment, or else-wise considered it unless we had been put in a desperate situation. God had to have been setting us up for this job for a while now. We are beyond excited to see   what He is going to do in this time we have with this incredible family. No doubt we will still be in a situation where we are forced to rely on Him: I am sure that living with another family will bring it's own struggles and trials, however I am confident in what He is doing.

              Tomorrow we will be officially moving in, and I will spend the next week working for both this new family and my current family. My last few days with my family here in the Clifton Springs area will be devastating and heart wrenching, but as sad as I am I am confident in God that He will provide another Nanny for this family and help me with the transition. I feel so foolish for ever doubting God's plan. Oh how faithless I can be, but so thankful that God forgives and draws me ever near.

           
'Oh, God, You know my foolishness;
And my sins are not hidden from You.' -Psalm 69:5-6

'I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before you.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by the right hand.
You will guide me with counsel,
And afterwards receive me to glory
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none on earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For indeed, those who are far form You shall perish;
You have destroyed all those who desert You for harlotry.
But it is good for me to draw newer to God;
I have put my my trust in the Lord God,
That I may declare all Your works.' - Psalm 73:21-28 


Love to all,
Leah

Today-Our Situation

Hi everyone,

       

              So over the course of the weekend, we ended up being kicked out of our apartment after confronting our Land Lord about our mold issue. 

 

Unfortunately she wasn't very understanding, and we were forced to be entirely moved out by Sunday evening, even though we were bullied into paying for the month of April. So over the course of Friday afternoon and evening with the help of two close friends we managed to pack up the whole apartment. Saturday my Dad and brother brought over their twelve passenger van and loaded up our stuff and took it to a temporary storage solution generously provided by the Harbor church. In two days we somehow managed to pack, move, and entirely clean our apartment. We have been unable to find any appropriate housing situations so far, but we are hopeful in our search. Until we are able to get into another apartment or living situation, my parents have courteously taken us in and so we continue our search. 

Even though things haven't yet worked out completely we are both so relieved to be out of the situation and hope that within the next few days to see a big difference in our health. God has been providing every step of the way and opportunities are opening up and  we are excited to see what God may have in store for us. 

For the timing being, it has been strange being back in my parents house. After months of being on my own and married, it is the most foreign concept to be back living with my family. Part of me still feels like we are going to get my mom's 'evil eye' if we are caught kissing in the kitchen or told that we aren't allowed on the same floor at night when we start to go upstairs to bed for the night. Sleeping in my old room is like walking into a forbidden land. Memories of the year prior and the 'rules' coming flooding back. I feel so naughty waking up in the same bed as my husband in my old bed room. It is been a funny adjustment. In addition to my family, there is also a single mother and her three beautiful children staying in the home. It is a full house overflowing with noise of laughter, screaming, and running throughout. I forgot how noise a house full of children can be. It is strangely refreshing. 

I am so thankful that my parents have such a large house and can handle the chaos of so many families at once. It is going to be a fun couple of weeks as we figure out where we are going. 

I promise to let you all know how things work out and where God leads us. 

Love to all,

Leah

Just Another Day God is Leading the Way

               It is no secret that these last several months have been filled with struggles, one after another. Another renowned truth is the fact that we have not been quiet or reserved in sharing and venting our reoccurring frustrations. Perhaps we should have been slower to speak, and reevaluated our situation and faith in the work God has been doing in our lives. Today however though things have been difficult we are encouraged to see what God is going to do. Alex and I recently discovered mold in our apartment which explains why we have both continued to struggle with our health. Because we both have asthma and I am allergic to mold, it only increased the seriousness of being exposed on a daily basis. Therefore we are being forced to break our lease last minute and look for another apartment. We are so relieved that we are able to get out of this atmosphere and into a healthier environment and to finally understand what has been happening with our health. We are looking at a few apartments over this next week in the phelps, Geneva and Clifton Springs area, hoping to find something close to the monthly payments we have been making to our current Land Lord.
               
             It has been a stressful and anxious scenario, however we are certain that God is going to provide and we are going to be more than fine. God is a good and faithful provider, just because things have been difficult has not been a testament of His disappointment in us, simply that He is raising us up to be strong faithful followers. We have already learned so much through the last few months, and we are so excited to see where He is going to keep taking us. We have so many passions and dreams! Alex can't wait to start school this fall, and someday when we have a little extra cash we are going to try very hard to be foster parents. If anything, these last few months have done little more than establish and confirm what God has really put on our heart. The lives of children being one of the most evident.

            When we find our new apartment I will post new pictures and let you know how we are all adjusting! Until then we are going to be super busy packing, looking for apartments and unpacking again. This is almost like a new beginning and we are so excited.

If anyone knows of any apartments in the area please let us know! Sending love to all!

Love,
Leah

More than We can Handle on Our Own

                      This past year has been nothing short of eventful, even so, neither one of us was prepared for the turn of the proceedings. Things finally seemed to be going more smoothly, we had a plan for the upcoming year and we had finally started to accumulate savings in the bank. Everything was right where we needed it to be. We had begun planning and preparing for our move to Colorado in the upcoming future, in fact we had a meeting with a friend to discuss our plans that very day- the day that changed our hearts and plans, and could have dramatically impacted our lives more than we ever though possible. There is no doubt or argument that God had His hand over us and the accident. Saturday afternoon, the first Saturday of the month Alex was on his way home with a friend when a car smashed into them from behind. Our car was launched across the road into a field entirely and completely destroyed. Our friend was stuck in our car but both men suffered minimal injuries, a miracle considering the gravity of the accident. Needless to say though Alex wasn't hurt and our friend was only in the hospital with a concussion, we had still lost our one and only vehicle which was essential for our 60 plus mile daily commute between our two jobs. Our car was fabulous; a Subaru that saved their lives, with great worth and quality, completely paid for, which would have easily lasted us another ten years with diligent care and upkeep.  We were beyond frustrated when we found out that we wouldn't get enough for our car to buy another car out right. Even more so, when dealership after dealership wouldn't give us a loan without a co-signer. After much prayer and seeking we were pointed to Auto Solutions where we were given a loan on a car that is fairly new with few miles, and great gas milage. Even through we now have monthly car payments, we do have a new car where we don't have to slap the cup holder for 10 solid minutes to get it open to place our cups in, we also have a CD player now and a remote lock, no longer to I have to stand at the door trying to finagle my key in the lock to get it unstuck and open.

                Although everything ended up working out with our car, it did set us back on our moving plans. We were still trying to make it work, until we sat in church that following sunday. It is amazing the simple things God uses to wake us up and point us in the right direction. Sitting in church that morning Alex and I were touched by the work God was doing in the midst of the congregation. Suddenly an overwhelming desire to be involved and part of this body of Christ imposed and challenged our motives for moving. We came away that day convinced that we were supposed to stay and get involved in this congregation. The next day we made the final decision that we were going to stay with the understanding and faith that God would provide. Since then we have had some ups and downs but we are excited to see where God leads us through the next year. Our church is amazing and we are looking forward to getting more involved and watching God work through others and through us.

            It hasn't been easy, and there are days when everything feels like it is going wrong but we have had too many days of God working miracles to give up heart completely. God is at work and He has broken us down, but He is building us up too.

To whatever waits around the corner.

Leah

Honesty is Freedom

          I need to take a minute and admit something I haven't been brave enough or honest enough to admit. I don't really care if anyone reads this, but in order to move on myself I need to say this publicly. I need to know that other people might know this little secret about me. It is a small step to healing.    

          Over the last seven months my life has turned upside down, inside out, and backside in. I have been tested before- there have been multiple tribulations in my life where I have wondered how I would make it through in one piece, but in every situation through every circumstance I was able somehow to keep my heart and eyes focused on Christ. I believed without doubt that God was with me, carrying my broken pieces, my fragile heart and that in the end He would help me walk through stronger, wiser and with an increased depth of understand of Glory and humility. These last few months have pushed me far over the edge; far beyond anything I have been able to handle. I liked to believe that I was fine; that I had dealt with my heartache and confusion, but as of two days ago I cannot deny the fact that I have never been so broken, heartless, and empty.

              I have been through more pain and confusion, had more questions and doubts in the last seven months than I have had through my entire life. I have had a strong reliance on Christ my whole childhood, and with anything I have ever gone through I was able to seek out the answers and comfort I needed in Scripture and through prayer. Now, though I know the answers in my head, my heart knows not how to begin dealing with this burden. I use to be able to open my bible and know exactly where to go to find what I needed, I use to pray constantly through the day, I use to smile and find joy in life even through the various trials I was going through. Today I sit with my bible, closed, and a quiet heart seeking desperately for words. I have gone through the last four months convincing myself that I was okay and that I needed to be over the pain and frustration I was feeling. I buried my heart so deeply within myself I started putting a block in-between my relationship with God and myself. I have grown more and more distant over the last four months than I would have ever thought possible.

        I would have continued believing that I was fine- that my tears where due to the fact that I was over tired and that the desperate compulsive need I had to talk through the same situations over and over again where only response to the nightmares I couldn't escape. However when Alex challenged my tears, fears and desires I crumbled in his arms unable to say anything, realizing how true his statements resounded.  I was hiding from myself and in the process had pushed God away as much as I knew I needed Him. Somehow I have gotten to the point in my life where I just don't feel like I am worth the trouble. I would rather pour myself into the lives of the people around me. I wanted to have a baby not exclusively but mostly due to the fact that I knew I could focus entirely on that baby and that I wouldn't have to deal with myself anymore. Some how my life would mean more if I had a baby. I realize now how empty and foolish that conviction was.

            How could I be a Mother or mentor to any person when I can't deal with my own issues. I had to realize that it is okay to hurt, to feel pain and not know how to heal but to struggle through the process. It is good to desperately need God, counseling, and consistent encouragement. It is okay to be needy for a time. I have never been willing to admit that. Even now though I have hope, it is difficult for me to admit that I am not okay. How can I ever encourage other people if I don't know what it feels like to be broken and need God?

           The fact is: I am a very broken, hurt and confused individual. I don't have the answers, I don't know how to heal, but I do know that God is with me and He is going to help me. I know I will need counseling and a support system and I am okay with that now. I want to be whole again; to feel confident in Christ and to feel the joy I walked in the last several years. Today I know I have made progress; honesty with myself has set me free. I am free to seek out help, to hurt and to realize that I don't have it all together and it's okay.


         I don't know why God has allowed everything that has happened in my life, but I do know that in the end He is perfecting me and helping me identify with His people. I am so thankful that I am surrounded by so many incredible friends and my husband as God works through this hole in my heart. God knew I couldn't do this on my own and He has surrounded me with an incredible family of friends and brothers and sisters in Christ.


I took a step. I tiny step forward. Yay! I am going to celebrate this small achievement and continue walking forward.


Love,
Leah

Talent and Gifts- The art of Expression

                 I was sitting in church the other day, where a powerful and challenging thought was expressed. A question was posed wherein I had never before considered or contemplated in any fashion. Without rephrasing word for word the question was to the extent of: 'Should not the church be the very treasure house of art and expression? We who understand creation and the very essence of our creator more intimately, stand able to express the beauty and depth of nature and emotions unlike the empty and shallow perception of the world?' David sang with exuberance the praises of the Lord. To this day his poetry is recorded and persevered throughout time. I look around at the modern day church in our everyday American society (which does not exclude myself in anyway) and I wonder where the dancing and praising comes into play that is expressed so often in Scripture. People danced in the streets, and shouted with joy and praised proclaiming to everyone around them without shame what the Lord did for them.

               People described in the New Testament churches could not contain their joy, they wanted the whole world to see the beauty of what Jesus did in their lives. I read about churches today in other countries who are under inhuman amounts of persecution who can not contain their joy and singing; often being persecuted and horribly mistreated due to their unmasked joy. Yet we sit quietly in our comfortable chairs in our comfortable congregations one day out of our comfortable week, hearing over and over again what Christ our Lord has done for us while we smile politely to one another and contemplate how it applies to us. Why are we not moved to tears when we think about what Christ has done for us? Why are we not moved enough to sing and cry out with joy to our brothers and sisters, let alone to the people in our lives who are not saved. How can any person desire the joy and freedom we have in Christ  without being convinced and transfixed by the outward expression of His work in our lives?

                Personally, I believe that part of our problem (including myself), is the fact that perhaps the reality of what Christ has done in our lives has not yet been fully understood in our own hearts. I am guilty of being one of the self-righteous christians raised from birth who has had an incredibly difficult time understanding how much I need Christ. I want Him and I love Him, but I think it is fairly obvious that as real as Christ is to me I do not full comprehend all that He has done for me. Until I not only believe that I deserve death, but I fully comprehend that on a real life standpoint that I do indeed deserve to DIE, I am not sure that I can fully understand how wonderful and beautiful Christ is to me.


              I believe if we all fully comprehended what Christ has done in our lives and the depth of the majesty and glory of God, we wouldn't be able to contain ourselves. Imagine for a moment if you were an artist the intense drive and passion that would come out in your art if you could fully embrace and understand the Majesty of God. If you were a singer, what would your song contain? As the very bride of Christ, should not the churches expression of God's beauty and Glory far more extravagantly out stand the expressions of lust and self promoting love?

              I have been unable to stop thinking about my understanding of God. I am only just now realizing how shallow my perception of His love, glory and majesty manifest in my heart. Young woman faint and cannot bring themselves to a point of control when they have a chance to meet the latest pop star singer. Yet when I have the opportunity day after day to come into the very presence of God; King and Lord of all the earth and heavens, I casually go over my list of needs and wants. I plead and implore and then go back to my newest TV show and wait for Him to answer my every desire. My heart is a deceitful and self-promotiong fool. I really don't have the slightest understanding of who God is. I don't fully understand the gift of Christ. I fail to understand that I should die, and suffer for all of eternity.

           I don't want to live like this. I want to embrace the depth of God. I want to stand humbled and in awe. I want to be in a constant state of amazement in recognition of sacrifice Christ made on our behalf. I want to be moved to tears and singing when I hear the name of my saviour. I want to be passionately moved to express and declare the living majesty of the King of Kings. I crave that my walk with Christ day to day declares boldly the joy and freedom I experience to the world.

I am a half a hearted believer. But I desperately pray that God opens my heart and my eyes to Him.

       

2012-Thoughts and Hopes for the New Year

                    I am writing on the 31st of December- the very last day of the year 2012. As many people all over the world are spending time thinking about this past year and the mistakes and challenges they have faced in addition to the many gifts and blessings they have been given; so am I fondling over the many memories this last years has held. I can easily say without doubt or hesitation that this past year has been one of the hardest most challenging years of my life. I have experienced more heartache and frustration than any years before combined. I do not doubt that I have indeed come upon my first grey hairs due to the stress and pain of this year. There are many things I wish I had responded to better, or handled with more grace and understanding. There have been so many times where I should have trusted God with what He was allowing instead of getting angry and bitter towards Him. I have allowed un-forgivness and bitterness to seep into my heart. I think back on the past 4 months alone and within that time alone there is so much I would want to rewind and reenact.

               Loosing our babies has been one of the most difficult things we have had to work through as a couple, and for myself personally the addition of dealing with physical aftermath of the miscarriages. Loosing our first baby was hard enough, but then not even a full month later we had somehow managed to get pregnant again and lost that baby at four weeks. The second miscarriage so soon following the first compounded the pain and frustration of our losses. I have never been angry with God before, but somehow with the loss of our beautiful babies it awoke an anger towards God that I have never before experienced. It has taken me quite a while to work through the emotions and repent for my faithlessness in God's goodness and grace. I think if I could change anything over this past year it would be dealing with Alex's and my own loss without taking it out on God.

              Even though this year has been far from easy, it has also going to be remembered as one of the most beautiful and blessed years of my life. My marriage to Alex being first and foremost the most wonderful thing that could have ever happened. Even though the wedding and time surrounding was interlaced with painful family situations, I still firmly believe that Alex and I did the right thing. I would never change a day of our marriage or go back and do things differently in that regard. Alex and I have been blessed with strong and healthy marriage. God has used some incredible situations to draw us together as a couple and to Him individually. First hand we have watched God provide in miraculous circumstances. He has continuously built up our faith and reliance on Him, and though at times we have been placed in stressful situations that we have been unable to control I can vouch for Alex that neither him nor I would change the place we are in right now. I have to say having experienced first hand what it means to have little in the world, compared to the riches and beauty found in a relationship with God I would never wish for anything more than to have a rich and fruitful relationship with Him should it cost me the comfort and satisfaction of wealth in the world.

             For this year that is far too rapidly approaching, I would say my one prayer would be that God would bless my body and make it whole. My health has been a major issue over the last few years, and has created some very difficult and uncomfortable situations. I would love to be able to live a normal year without continued complicated health issues if God should so choose to bless me in that way. If not, I will continue as I have; walking forward striving with all my heart to trust Him and lean on Him regardless of the situation.
           
            I can't begin to imagine what this next year will hold. I would have never dared dream that this time last year I would be where I am today. But I find myself much older, experienced, more human, and with a greater perspective of what it truly means to follow God whatever the cost. If next year holds as much or more than this year has embraced, then I am sure I will find myself all the more wiser, weathered and grey, but with eyes that shine all the brighter with the joy and wonder of God. I sincerely know that what ever awaits me on this twisting unpredictable narrow road, God will be leading and developing me all the while. Even in the circumstances that this years has so burdensomely bestowed upon me, I wouldn't be who I am today without it. I was in desperate need of a wake up call; a true realization of what being a follower of Christ looks like in a world that is twisted and laden with sin. Only now do I have a slight understanding.
       
           Some of the highlights of this past has been the love that has grown and deepened between my husband and myself. We have had some crazy wonderful adventures this year that I will forget. I never in my short life, loved anyone with more depth or profundity as I do my husband. He is my most treasured and beloved friend and I have been exceptionally blessed with his always gracious love. I have also grown very close to several wonderful people in my life. God has simply bestowed with affection and grace the friendships of people all around us. We have been entirely surrounded with love. Love and friendship is one greatest gifts and blessing God has given us in this crazy, beautiful upside down world that we have made with our lustful lifestyles.
         
           I have experienced a lot  firsts this year as well. I went Go-Karting for the first ever, following that experience I learned that my true calling in life is to be a race car driver. But I very quickly realized that my car was not a fair opt in the case of driving like a Go-Karter. I set up and decorated my first apartment with my first and only husband. I had my first Christmas away from my family. I played Sonic for the first time ever. (Tip to wives of gamer husbands: should you rub in your winning your husband may promptly heave and sigh imploring with all frustration to play another game should he loose to you. I have found it is better to quietly say nothing at all and continue on as if you hadn't noticed.) I got married which was certainly a most wonderful first. I got pregnant which was a magical experience both times even though I ended up loosing them. I got my first Iphone. I watched my first set of twins. I saved a baby from choking which was by far one of the most frightening things of my life. I got my first kitten, who is now fat and living with my parents but will forever be fondly remembered as my Jo Jo bean. I ate at my first Japanese restaurant and ate my first scallop (it was gross) and I had my first traditional Japanese soda (strawberry)- far exceedingly the best soda I have ever had. I took my first cake decorating class, and I ate my first mustard in Macaroni and Cheese (I cannot begin to understand what my husband possibly finds appetizing in that dish). There has been so many first experiences that I can't even begin to list them all. Hopefully next year brings many more!

           I may never understand why God allows hard things in the lives His people, but there is so much beauty and hope for what is to come. That is what I look forward to. Maybe, just maybe Jesus will return next year with trumpets sounding and hosts of angels singing of the splendor of God. Maybe next year we will go home to be with God forever. I want to live as if Jesus will return any day this following year. Day by day that hope in His return will keep me walking with faith and joy whatever may grace my path next.

         Only God knows what will come and what He will bring to me this year, all I can do is hope to be further along in my faith and walk with Him than today.


To the New Year and what ever waits around the corner,

Affectionately,
Leah

My First Cake

My very first decorating experiment! I was doing pretty good until I tried to work the trim. My hand got weak. I need to build up my muscular strength.

My first Icing Decoration Experiment

 

Experimenting with coloring for icing! Using star technique and blue and yellow color! So pretty! I am having way too much fun and I only just begun! Cannot wait to see what I learn next wee

Things are Going

           These last few weeks have been quiet and calm. The same way the sea is calm and bright after a storm, so have the past few days reflected that clear tranquil water. The clouds have cleared and the sun is shining brightly upon us in favor. Alex and I have actually really enjoyed the last week. We have come together and worked through our pain and for the first time in a while we were able to rest and enjoy the beautiful quiet of a happy week. God has been so good to us.

            Alex and I have also come to the decision that we will officially be moving to Colorado come late summer of 2013. Unless God prevents us we will continue on with the intention of our grand adventure. We will be going home. Alex has a decent job waiting for him and I have a lot of nannying apportunities. By then I will have successfully completed all five courses of Cake Decorating and will hopefully try to start my own in home business depending on how well I do and the area that we will be moving to. More detail about are move will come in time. As of for now, we both anxiously look forward to our move. Though we do not refrain from admitting the loss we will feel from our friends and family in the area. Until then we want to take full advantage of the time we have here. So please come and make yourself at home with us.


            I just want to end this by saying these last few month have been more than crazy, but we are thoroughly enjoying our marriage, wouldn't change a day of anything, and are beyond happy to be married to each other. With love to all and thanks for all the prayers! God has certainly been hearing you.

Much love and thanks,
Love,
Leah


       

When I Cannot Control I Will Praise

                       Thursday October 18th was circled on my calendar- with a bright red pen the date stood reserved. I had been looking forward to starting work again after two long weeks of feeling like a prisoner of my own home. I looked forward to the day with hope and a sense of some new grand adventure awaiting me around the corner. My life feels like a story book sometimes, I never know what will happen, but something always welcomes me with open arms. A new job and family is always like a new story coming to life; there is a sense of hope and wonder at what God could possibly do with this next chapter. However I did not expect to remember the beginning as the day we lost our baby.

                   I had been anxious and worried about our baby for several days, but trying to convince myself that the few concerns I had were normal in any pregnancy. Nothing had progressed into anything worthy of alarm until that morning when in a matter of minutes I knew I was loosing the baby.

                  The day initially began wonderfully and everything seemed like it was going to be okay, until I suddenly started bleeding heavily with painful pressure and a burning sensation in my belly. After talking with my Mom and my Aunt I was able to put to rest my concerns for a while, convincing myself that it was probably nothing more than another UTI or other minor infection. It seemed like not an hour had passed when I started cramping. It came so suddenly; leaving me in terrified agony all of my insides turned and quailed and balked at the raking pain. One minute I was fine, changing diapers and praying over the child sleeping in my belly and the next I was on the floor almost unable to breath through the pain. It came in waves as I fought against it trying to feed and care for the twins. The blood kept coming and gushing and the pain was worse every time it came. I have never felt so alone, trapped or helpless. I was so scared- I knew I was loosing our baby and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

                   I pressed through work, trying to ignore what was happening- trying to make a good impression on my first day. Somehow I managed a smile and cheerfully chatter as I went over the kids day with the Mother. I honestly don't remember much of that day with the exception that I spent the majority of the evening in the emergency room in a daze trying to make sense of what was happening. My miscarriage was unusually painful and severe which made dealing with the emotions of loosing our baby a little bit more extreme. The following day I ended up trying to go back to work with the intention of acting like nothing happened. I hadn't cried all morning and as much as I didn't want to deal with work due to the physical pain and emotional status, I believed that it wouldn't be too difficult to manage. I was wrong. I didn't last but five minutes before I broke down bawling on the living room floor with one of the twins in my lap and everyone staring wide-eyed at my swollen tear filled eyes. I did not expect the sympathy and concern that wrapped my broken heart in a warm embrace. I ended up staying a few hours hoping to make it through most of the day when I was told that I needed to go back to the ER. At 10:30 I was on my way to the hospital again with my husband holding my hand and my heart.

               We spent the next six grueling hours in the hospital room, with doctors and nurses in and out- out more than in. I was scared and hurting deeply from our loss. I imagine it is hard for any woman to put into words what it is like loosing their baby that they have grown to love and spend the last several weeks dreaming about and imagining what their life will hold. I had fallen in love with our baby more deeply than I would have ever initially believed possible for an unborn child. But this baby was special (like any baby will ever be); when we had been told that there was a chance we would never be able to have a baby in the first place, then to find out we were pregnant within the first few weeks of our married life was beyond exhilarating. Not to mention the healing we had experienced from the last few months when we knew a baby was on the way. This baby was hope and healing-nothing short of a miracle. Why would God take that away from us? After everything God had already allowed us to struggle through this past year why would it be such an impossible feat to give us a healthy whole baby? When I realized what was happening to me and our baby it was like I was loosing part of myself. Our baby was part of me; growing and developing in my womb. A child made by love was inside and part of my husband and I, and now gone.
     
                   I wanted so desperately to force God to give us our baby back, but I knew it was out of my hands. I wanted to control what only God could give and take away. If there was ever a moment when I felt the most helpless and small it was the moment I realized that I could do nothing to save my baby with the exception of prayer and even then God didn't have to give us our baby. I came to a point in the midst of my grief and heartache thatI knew I had to surrender our baby to God and trust Him with her life and ours. You would think that after all the practice I have had with surrendering and being forced to trust God with my life and the ones I love that it would be easier this time. Honestly though, giving up that baby and letting go the desire to hold on to her was almost more painful than anything else I had experienced through the whole process. The peace and hope that invaded my heart afterwards made the pain bearable and for the first time I could without anger, rest and acknowledge that God had taken our baby and that someday I would meet her in heaven with Jesus.

                I know people constantly ask the question that if God says He is good, then why does He allow bad things to happen to His people. I asked that question this past weekend and the answers I received encouraged and strengthened my heart and soul. James encourages us to take heart when we fall into trials and temptations: "My Brethren count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." I know I live in a fallen world and bad things happen because we are a crooked and corrupted people, but I also know that God allows things in our lives that test us and refine us like Gold in fire. He makes us strong and builds us up in Him. Just like muscle has to be broken before it can rebuild so do we sometimes have to break before God can build us up stronger and ever more faithful.

               Even though we have struggled through this last year, God has abundantly surrounded Alex and I with friends, family, strangers and acquaintances that have encouraged us, supported us, prayed and loved us. Even though somedays it feels like we have walked through hell, we have never been happier. We are deeply in love with each other, with God, and our friends and family. Even through the bad we have been blessed and lifted up. Who are we to say we deserve any more when Jesus gave up everything for us? If God could give up His only son for us, surely Alex and I could trust Him with our little one.

                Alex and I made a decision to Praise God through the wonderful moments and the bad. We may have lost our baby for a while until we are untied, but have more to be thankful for today than we did two months ago. We are still sad and nothing will ever change the fact that we will miss our baby, but if God allowed it than we will choose to trust Him with it.


                       'I will bless the Lord at all times;
                        His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
                       My soul shall make boast in the Lord;
                       The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
                        Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
                       And let us exalt His name together.

                       I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
                       And delivered me from all my fears,
                       They looked to Him and were radiant,
                       And their faces were not ashamed.
                       This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him.
                       And saved him out of his troubles.
                       The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
                       And delivers them.
             
                       Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
                       Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
                      Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
                      There is no want from those who fear Him.
                       The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
                      But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing...'
                
-Psalm 34:1-10


Alex and I want to thank everyone who has been there for us, supporting, encouraging, and going out of their way to help us. We have never felt so overwhelmed by all of the support and love of everyone around us.

Much love to all.

A Little Big Surprise

               It is amazing to watch God work and take control of our lives. We seem to think we can control our plans and make our goals but Alex and I are learning over and over again that the more we try to take a hold on our plans the more often God takes it out of our hands. We are also learning that even when He asks us to do hard things and allows pain and suffering He always has a plan, and He always knows best. He knows how to heal, how to restore, how to lead and just what we need. These last few months have been beyond challenging- testing our faith, devotion and commitment to His leading. We have struggled with one tribulation only to run into another. Most days it felt like we were drowning under the weight of our convictions, wondering if we would ever get through the pain and doubt, over the sickness and infections. But we did. And God allowed one of the most beautiful things in the world to bring healing and restoration within our families.
               
                   When Alex and I took a stand a few months ago for what we believed in I never imagined that God would use this to bring healing and health. We never dreamed of being blessed with such a gift so early in our marriage. But God knew that a baby would make the difference. Our Lord and Savior said "Trust Me and walk down this narrow road and I will be with You all the way.". Just a month and a half in our marriage in the midst of sickness and infection; against every odd we conceived a child. In my womb a baby (or two) grows and matures and everyday I am amazed.
                 
                  We found out this past Saturday and we still can't believe that this is real. It is a beautiful dream become real. We just pray that we can get through the critical months without a miscarriage. The next two months will be like walking on glass praying all the while for the life of our baby. Our tentative due date is June 6th! I am six weeks and 2 days today and already beginning to show even though our baby is only about as big as my fingernail and looks more like a seahorse than anything else. But I guess that is what I get for being so tiny though I couldn't be happier about showing my little baby bump already. I want everyone in the world to know. I suppose that is just the overwhelming joy of a budding Mother and Father.
                 
                    Due to all of the changes and challenges over the last few months. We are going to take our time starting up on school. We want to enjoy each other and our marriage which has been little more than a blur these last few months. With a baby on the way now we want to take advantage of our last few months of just the two of us! 

                 Today also marks the first meeting of a woman's prayer group that two of my close friends and I are beginning to start. I am sure that there will be no shortage of stories to tell with God involved. It seems to me that anytime I or anyone focuses on God in anything, somehow things start sinning around way out of control filling our lives with trials and blessings without comparison! I can't wait to watch what God will begin within our little group.

              We are so excited to be pregnant! My first appointment with my Midwife isn't until November 1st but I am sure these next few weeks will fly by! Alex and I are so excited to be parents! I find myself falling in love with  him all over again at his excitement and joy, and falling in love with our little seahorse.

            Thank you all for your prayer, love and support through the last few months! We are so excited to share our news with you!

A Week of News

                       I am sure you all are wondering what came of the appointment this last week checking for Brugada Syndrome. I am pleased to report that my Grandpa and I both tested negative! So our fears have been abated and our hearts reassured that God is certainly in control! The doctor I saw is doing a little further testing on my heart to make sure that nothing is serious, and if all of the test go negative then I have something called common fainting spells which is caused by sudden raising and dropping of my blood pressure. If I end up being diagnosed with such they can give me a medication that would help  keep my blood pressure normal, without the irregular spikes which causes the fainting.  Praise God it turned out to be nothing serious and I might actually get some help with my fainting spells! God is so good to us!

                   Amongst the tests this past week, there has been quiet a few other changes and surprises along the way. For instance I had to leave the two families I was working for and began looking for another job. Shaylan and her family were so wonderful and I miss them so much already, but I know that this is the best thing for both of our families right now. I thank God so much for the time I had with them though. I did get hired with a new family however and I start with them on the 18th of this month! I am very excited to be working with this new family, I will be taking care of beautiful twins and their wonderful big sister two to three days a week.  I have had a week off so far and I find myself going stir crazy somedays. What does one do with oneself when you are use to working seven days a week?

Alex and I are very grateful for everything God has provided for us and the answers to all of our questions!  Thank you all for your prayers and love!

We have a date!

I finally have an appointment set up to start the testing process! Monday morning Alex and I are leaving for PA! I have an appointment in Philadelphia with a heart specialist. I still don't know what kind if tests they are going to do or how long we will be there. But in any case we are on the right track and hopefully will have some answers soon! Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement!

Still Waiting...

                       It is now Monday and we are still working on getting information and scheduling testing for the possible Brugada syndrome. This process has been so much more complicated than I ever imagined it being. I found out that getting the Genetic blood work done will take it going through four different labs before it can get to a lab that can properly diagnose it, in addition to that we then have to wait eight weeks for the results. When it comes to the specialized ECG and EKG tests there is a specialist in Rochester that may be able to preformed the necessary tests, but he has never worked with this disease before. I also learned that the doctor that worked directly with my cousin who was diagnosed wants to see me herself. At first I was under the impression that she was in Philadelphia and that she would be able to do all of the tests for me right there. But I later learned that the week we would be able to go down she would be located in New Jersey without the ability to preform all of the tests I would need. The other possibility is to work with another Dr. who also worked with my cousin and the family who would be testing my Grandpa that same week. If that works out, we should be able to go down next week and get all of the tests done right there. So it really comes down to two options: either go down to PA and work with the Dr. who can do all of the tests I need and get it all done around the same time, or stay here and try to work with the specialist here. If Alex and I stay in New York to do the test the process may take longer, but we won't have to travel and we can schedule the tests accordingly. We are praying for wisdom right now in the process.

                 Needless to say this past week was beyond exhausting and emotionally trying. We have both really struggled with trusting God in our situation, but yesterday I think we finally came to a point where we could just breathe and let go of some of the worry and tension. When it comes down to it, we have no valid reason to worry or stress over the situation before God, because He is in control and our prayers do not go unheard. Faith. Everything comes down to faith. We who are so hopeless fail so often to rest in the confidence of God's almighty power, grace and mercy.

                To help relieve some of the stress and anxiety we went Mini-Golfing and Go-Karting. It was my very first experience ever with a Go Kart. It was incredible. I do believe I could be a race car driver someday. And for anyone who would care to take note: never play mini Golfing with Alex or myself! If you don't get hit with the ball, you will endure countless actions of cheating. We win...unfairly. It is a sad reality. We shared a lot of laughs, played in the arcade like little kids again, and listened to our favorite Pastor the whole way there and back. It was defiantly worth the drive!


Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying for us and encouraging us through these last few months. It has been a very long year so far and I don't know where we would be without all of the love and encouragement from our friends and family!

Brugada Update

                      It has been about two weeks since we discovered that I have a possibility of carrying the rare case of brugada syndrome. So far I have seen my one primary doctor, who is working hard to learn more about the syndrome and how to diagnose it. Just to get the genetic blood work lab has been a difficult almost near impossible feat. They can't even do this specialized test in Rochester, if that gives you any idea how rare and difficult this is to diagnose. Thankfully, my doctor is now in contact with one of the doctors who helped with my second cousin who was diagnosed with it. I won't be able to start any tests until my insurance goes through on October 1st, but we are hoping and praying that after that we will be able to get into testing quickly.

                        It turns out that I am actually dealing with all the same symptoms as my cousin who was eventually diagnosed with this syndrome so they are pressing the importance of getting and diagnose in me as soon as possible. There is still a small chance that I may have to go to a hospital in Philadelphia to get all of the testing and possible surgery. We should know more in the next few days as I work with my doctor to figure out what the best possible procedure would be.

                    Please keep Alex and I and my family in your prayers. We are trying to give this stress to God, but it is really difficult. Alex in particular is having a really hard time dealing with the stress of this.

          Thank you all so much! We will let you know when we get more information what is going to happen with the testing.

With Love,
Leah

Alex and I are officially enrolled in school! In just a few short weeks we will be beginning our online B.A. Degrees. We are so excited! Our administrations advisor is incredible. So thankful we are working with someone who cares so much to see us pursuing what we are passionate about.

Look at how messy our table is and we have not even started real course work.