I am writing on the 31st of December- the very last day of the year 2012. As many people all over the world are spending time thinking about this past year and the mistakes and challenges they have faced in addition to the many gifts and blessings they have been given; so am I fondling over the many memories this last years has held. I can easily say without doubt or hesitation that this past year has been one of the hardest most challenging years of my life. I have experienced more heartache and frustration than any years before combined. I do not doubt that I have indeed come upon my first grey hairs due to the stress and pain of this year. There are many things I wish I had responded to better, or handled with more grace and understanding. There have been so many times where I should have trusted God with what He was allowing instead of getting angry and bitter towards Him. I have allowed un-forgivness and bitterness to seep into my heart. I think back on the past 4 months alone and within that time alone there is so much I would want to rewind and reenact.
Loosing our babies has been one of the most difficult things we have had to work through as a couple, and for myself personally the addition of dealing with physical aftermath of the miscarriages. Loosing our first baby was hard enough, but then not even a full month later we had somehow managed to get pregnant again and lost that baby at four weeks. The second miscarriage so soon following the first compounded the pain and frustration of our losses. I have never been angry with God before, but somehow with the loss of our beautiful babies it awoke an anger towards God that I have never before experienced. It has taken me quite a while to work through the emotions and repent for my faithlessness in God's goodness and grace. I think if I could change anything over this past year it would be dealing with Alex's and my own loss without taking it out on God.
Even though this year has been far from easy, it has also going to be remembered as one of the most beautiful and blessed years of my life. My marriage to Alex being first and foremost the most wonderful thing that could have ever happened. Even though the wedding and time surrounding was interlaced with painful family situations, I still firmly believe that Alex and I did the right thing. I would never change a day of our marriage or go back and do things differently in that regard. Alex and I have been blessed with strong and healthy marriage. God has used some incredible situations to draw us together as a couple and to Him individually. First hand we have watched God provide in miraculous circumstances. He has continuously built up our faith and reliance on Him, and though at times we have been placed in stressful situations that we have been unable to control I can vouch for Alex that neither him nor I would change the place we are in right now. I have to say having experienced first hand what it means to have little in the world, compared to the riches and beauty found in a relationship with God I would never wish for anything more than to have a rich and fruitful relationship with Him should it cost me the comfort and satisfaction of wealth in the world.
For this year that is far too rapidly approaching, I would say my one prayer would be that God would bless my body and make it whole. My health has been a major issue over the last few years, and has created some very difficult and uncomfortable situations. I would love to be able to live a normal year without continued complicated health issues if God should so choose to bless me in that way. If not, I will continue as I have; walking forward striving with all my heart to trust Him and lean on Him regardless of the situation.
I can't begin to imagine what this next year will hold. I would have never dared dream that this time last year I would be where I am today. But I find myself much older, experienced, more human, and with a greater perspective of what it truly means to follow God whatever the cost. If next year holds as much or more than this year has embraced, then I am sure I will find myself all the more wiser, weathered and grey, but with eyes that shine all the brighter with the joy and wonder of God. I sincerely know that what ever awaits me on this twisting unpredictable narrow road, God will be leading and developing me all the while. Even in the circumstances that this years has so burdensomely bestowed upon me, I wouldn't be who I am today without it. I was in desperate need of a wake up call; a true realization of what being a follower of Christ looks like in a world that is twisted and laden with sin. Only now do I have a slight understanding.
Some of the highlights of this past has been the love that has grown and deepened between my husband and myself. We have had some crazy wonderful adventures this year that I will forget. I never in my short life, loved anyone with more depth or profundity as I do my husband. He is my most treasured and beloved friend and I have been exceptionally blessed with his always gracious love. I have also grown very close to several wonderful people in my life. God has simply bestowed with affection and grace the friendships of people all around us. We have been entirely surrounded with love. Love and friendship is one greatest gifts and blessing God has given us in this crazy, beautiful upside down world that we have made with our lustful lifestyles.
I have experienced a lot firsts this year as well. I went Go-Karting for the first ever, following that experience I learned that my true calling in life is to be a race car driver. But I very quickly realized that my car was not a fair opt in the case of driving like a Go-Karter. I set up and decorated my first apartment with my first and only husband. I had my first Christmas away from my family. I played Sonic for the first time ever. (Tip to wives of gamer husbands: should you rub in your winning your husband may promptly heave and sigh imploring with all frustration to play another game should he loose to you. I have found it is better to quietly say nothing at all and continue on as if you hadn't noticed.) I got married which was certainly a most wonderful first. I got pregnant which was a magical experience both times even though I ended up loosing them. I got my first Iphone. I watched my first set of twins. I saved a baby from choking which was by far one of the most frightening things of my life. I got my first kitten, who is now fat and living with my parents but will forever be fondly remembered as my Jo Jo bean. I ate at my first Japanese restaurant and ate my first scallop (it was gross) and I had my first traditional Japanese soda (strawberry)- far exceedingly the best soda I have ever had. I took my first cake decorating class, and I ate my first mustard in Macaroni and Cheese (I cannot begin to understand what my husband possibly finds appetizing in that dish). There has been so many first experiences that I can't even begin to list them all. Hopefully next year brings many more!
I may never understand why God allows hard things in the lives His people, but there is so much beauty and hope for what is to come. That is what I look forward to. Maybe, just maybe Jesus will return next year with trumpets sounding and hosts of angels singing of the splendor of God. Maybe next year we will go home to be with God forever. I want to live as if Jesus will return any day this following year. Day by day that hope in His return will keep me walking with faith and joy whatever may grace my path next.
Only God knows what will come and what He will bring to me this year, all I can do is hope to be further along in my faith and walk with Him than today.
To the New Year and what ever waits around the corner,
Affectionately,
Leah
