When I Cannot Control I Will Praise

                       Thursday October 18th was circled on my calendar- with a bright red pen the date stood reserved. I had been looking forward to starting work again after two long weeks of feeling like a prisoner of my own home. I looked forward to the day with hope and a sense of some new grand adventure awaiting me around the corner. My life feels like a story book sometimes, I never know what will happen, but something always welcomes me with open arms. A new job and family is always like a new story coming to life; there is a sense of hope and wonder at what God could possibly do with this next chapter. However I did not expect to remember the beginning as the day we lost our baby.

                   I had been anxious and worried about our baby for several days, but trying to convince myself that the few concerns I had were normal in any pregnancy. Nothing had progressed into anything worthy of alarm until that morning when in a matter of minutes I knew I was loosing the baby.

                  The day initially began wonderfully and everything seemed like it was going to be okay, until I suddenly started bleeding heavily with painful pressure and a burning sensation in my belly. After talking with my Mom and my Aunt I was able to put to rest my concerns for a while, convincing myself that it was probably nothing more than another UTI or other minor infection. It seemed like not an hour had passed when I started cramping. It came so suddenly; leaving me in terrified agony all of my insides turned and quailed and balked at the raking pain. One minute I was fine, changing diapers and praying over the child sleeping in my belly and the next I was on the floor almost unable to breath through the pain. It came in waves as I fought against it trying to feed and care for the twins. The blood kept coming and gushing and the pain was worse every time it came. I have never felt so alone, trapped or helpless. I was so scared- I knew I was loosing our baby and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

                   I pressed through work, trying to ignore what was happening- trying to make a good impression on my first day. Somehow I managed a smile and cheerfully chatter as I went over the kids day with the Mother. I honestly don't remember much of that day with the exception that I spent the majority of the evening in the emergency room in a daze trying to make sense of what was happening. My miscarriage was unusually painful and severe which made dealing with the emotions of loosing our baby a little bit more extreme. The following day I ended up trying to go back to work with the intention of acting like nothing happened. I hadn't cried all morning and as much as I didn't want to deal with work due to the physical pain and emotional status, I believed that it wouldn't be too difficult to manage. I was wrong. I didn't last but five minutes before I broke down bawling on the living room floor with one of the twins in my lap and everyone staring wide-eyed at my swollen tear filled eyes. I did not expect the sympathy and concern that wrapped my broken heart in a warm embrace. I ended up staying a few hours hoping to make it through most of the day when I was told that I needed to go back to the ER. At 10:30 I was on my way to the hospital again with my husband holding my hand and my heart.

               We spent the next six grueling hours in the hospital room, with doctors and nurses in and out- out more than in. I was scared and hurting deeply from our loss. I imagine it is hard for any woman to put into words what it is like loosing their baby that they have grown to love and spend the last several weeks dreaming about and imagining what their life will hold. I had fallen in love with our baby more deeply than I would have ever initially believed possible for an unborn child. But this baby was special (like any baby will ever be); when we had been told that there was a chance we would never be able to have a baby in the first place, then to find out we were pregnant within the first few weeks of our married life was beyond exhilarating. Not to mention the healing we had experienced from the last few months when we knew a baby was on the way. This baby was hope and healing-nothing short of a miracle. Why would God take that away from us? After everything God had already allowed us to struggle through this past year why would it be such an impossible feat to give us a healthy whole baby? When I realized what was happening to me and our baby it was like I was loosing part of myself. Our baby was part of me; growing and developing in my womb. A child made by love was inside and part of my husband and I, and now gone.
     
                   I wanted so desperately to force God to give us our baby back, but I knew it was out of my hands. I wanted to control what only God could give and take away. If there was ever a moment when I felt the most helpless and small it was the moment I realized that I could do nothing to save my baby with the exception of prayer and even then God didn't have to give us our baby. I came to a point in the midst of my grief and heartache thatI knew I had to surrender our baby to God and trust Him with her life and ours. You would think that after all the practice I have had with surrendering and being forced to trust God with my life and the ones I love that it would be easier this time. Honestly though, giving up that baby and letting go the desire to hold on to her was almost more painful than anything else I had experienced through the whole process. The peace and hope that invaded my heart afterwards made the pain bearable and for the first time I could without anger, rest and acknowledge that God had taken our baby and that someday I would meet her in heaven with Jesus.

                I know people constantly ask the question that if God says He is good, then why does He allow bad things to happen to His people. I asked that question this past weekend and the answers I received encouraged and strengthened my heart and soul. James encourages us to take heart when we fall into trials and temptations: "My Brethren count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." I know I live in a fallen world and bad things happen because we are a crooked and corrupted people, but I also know that God allows things in our lives that test us and refine us like Gold in fire. He makes us strong and builds us up in Him. Just like muscle has to be broken before it can rebuild so do we sometimes have to break before God can build us up stronger and ever more faithful.

               Even though we have struggled through this last year, God has abundantly surrounded Alex and I with friends, family, strangers and acquaintances that have encouraged us, supported us, prayed and loved us. Even though somedays it feels like we have walked through hell, we have never been happier. We are deeply in love with each other, with God, and our friends and family. Even through the bad we have been blessed and lifted up. Who are we to say we deserve any more when Jesus gave up everything for us? If God could give up His only son for us, surely Alex and I could trust Him with our little one.

                Alex and I made a decision to Praise God through the wonderful moments and the bad. We may have lost our baby for a while until we are untied, but have more to be thankful for today than we did two months ago. We are still sad and nothing will ever change the fact that we will miss our baby, but if God allowed it than we will choose to trust Him with it.


                       'I will bless the Lord at all times;
                        His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
                       My soul shall make boast in the Lord;
                       The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
                        Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
                       And let us exalt His name together.

                       I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
                       And delivered me from all my fears,
                       They looked to Him and were radiant,
                       And their faces were not ashamed.
                       This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him.
                       And saved him out of his troubles.
                       The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
                       And delivers them.
             
                       Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
                       Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
                      Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
                      There is no want from those who fear Him.
                       The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
                      But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing...'
                
-Psalm 34:1-10


Alex and I want to thank everyone who has been there for us, supporting, encouraging, and going out of their way to help us. We have never felt so overwhelmed by all of the support and love of everyone around us.

Much love to all.

A Little Big Surprise

               It is amazing to watch God work and take control of our lives. We seem to think we can control our plans and make our goals but Alex and I are learning over and over again that the more we try to take a hold on our plans the more often God takes it out of our hands. We are also learning that even when He asks us to do hard things and allows pain and suffering He always has a plan, and He always knows best. He knows how to heal, how to restore, how to lead and just what we need. These last few months have been beyond challenging- testing our faith, devotion and commitment to His leading. We have struggled with one tribulation only to run into another. Most days it felt like we were drowning under the weight of our convictions, wondering if we would ever get through the pain and doubt, over the sickness and infections. But we did. And God allowed one of the most beautiful things in the world to bring healing and restoration within our families.
               
                   When Alex and I took a stand a few months ago for what we believed in I never imagined that God would use this to bring healing and health. We never dreamed of being blessed with such a gift so early in our marriage. But God knew that a baby would make the difference. Our Lord and Savior said "Trust Me and walk down this narrow road and I will be with You all the way.". Just a month and a half in our marriage in the midst of sickness and infection; against every odd we conceived a child. In my womb a baby (or two) grows and matures and everyday I am amazed.
                 
                  We found out this past Saturday and we still can't believe that this is real. It is a beautiful dream become real. We just pray that we can get through the critical months without a miscarriage. The next two months will be like walking on glass praying all the while for the life of our baby. Our tentative due date is June 6th! I am six weeks and 2 days today and already beginning to show even though our baby is only about as big as my fingernail and looks more like a seahorse than anything else. But I guess that is what I get for being so tiny though I couldn't be happier about showing my little baby bump already. I want everyone in the world to know. I suppose that is just the overwhelming joy of a budding Mother and Father.
                 
                    Due to all of the changes and challenges over the last few months. We are going to take our time starting up on school. We want to enjoy each other and our marriage which has been little more than a blur these last few months. With a baby on the way now we want to take advantage of our last few months of just the two of us! 

                 Today also marks the first meeting of a woman's prayer group that two of my close friends and I are beginning to start. I am sure that there will be no shortage of stories to tell with God involved. It seems to me that anytime I or anyone focuses on God in anything, somehow things start sinning around way out of control filling our lives with trials and blessings without comparison! I can't wait to watch what God will begin within our little group.

              We are so excited to be pregnant! My first appointment with my Midwife isn't until November 1st but I am sure these next few weeks will fly by! Alex and I are so excited to be parents! I find myself falling in love with  him all over again at his excitement and joy, and falling in love with our little seahorse.

            Thank you all for your prayer, love and support through the last few months! We are so excited to share our news with you!

A Week of News

                       I am sure you all are wondering what came of the appointment this last week checking for Brugada Syndrome. I am pleased to report that my Grandpa and I both tested negative! So our fears have been abated and our hearts reassured that God is certainly in control! The doctor I saw is doing a little further testing on my heart to make sure that nothing is serious, and if all of the test go negative then I have something called common fainting spells which is caused by sudden raising and dropping of my blood pressure. If I end up being diagnosed with such they can give me a medication that would help  keep my blood pressure normal, without the irregular spikes which causes the fainting.  Praise God it turned out to be nothing serious and I might actually get some help with my fainting spells! God is so good to us!

                   Amongst the tests this past week, there has been quiet a few other changes and surprises along the way. For instance I had to leave the two families I was working for and began looking for another job. Shaylan and her family were so wonderful and I miss them so much already, but I know that this is the best thing for both of our families right now. I thank God so much for the time I had with them though. I did get hired with a new family however and I start with them on the 18th of this month! I am very excited to be working with this new family, I will be taking care of beautiful twins and their wonderful big sister two to three days a week.  I have had a week off so far and I find myself going stir crazy somedays. What does one do with oneself when you are use to working seven days a week?

Alex and I are very grateful for everything God has provided for us and the answers to all of our questions!  Thank you all for your prayers and love!