I have spent the past several months painfully resting from the full and expectant days I so enjoyed. As nanny my daily objectives were to serve that family in every way I could. I cooked, cleaned, and cared tenderly for the children I fell so in love with. As a wife I served my husband in any way I could, cooking, cleaning and managing our small home. As a believer and servant of Christ I spent my time and energy seeking for ways serve the church and the people He placed in my life. Everything I loved revolved around what I could give and do to serve and love. It was my expression of love, my wordless exclamation of my devotion to Christ. When the time came that I could no longer work for the sake of the growing baby in my womb, it felt like someone thrust me into a dark prison cell, without food or water, lightless and forsaken. I was being banned from expressing my love and joy to the world in the only form I had ever learned to appreciate.
I had unconsciously depended on serving and giving myself (whether by time, energy, money, or gifts) as a way of earning God's love. No sooner then when I had suddenly been thrust into a situation where I was forced to sit back and let other people help me, did I realize the hole I had fallen into through the years. Moving to Maine only reiterated the conviction I refused to admit. I found myself completely dependent on other people, and with the exception of Alex's family we really knew no one. I spent the first few weeks depressed and anxiously trying to find someway to 'feel useful'. I felt worthless; that I had no purpose in life any more. I struggled deeply with the notion that God hated me and that essentially He wouldn't wouldn't want me and no one else would. I realize today how entirely ludicrous my concerns were, but in the moment the concept was no less devastating.
Over the last few weeks I ended up in the Emergency room again several times with various health issues. Dealing with infections and illnesses that continue to reoccur creating more problems with the pregnancy preventing more and more my ability to pursue work and limiting my independence. In addtion to all the questions that were already running through my head and the insecurities I felt in my relationship with Christ, I continue to run into questions with my health, not knowing or understand why I am having the problems I am having or if there is something more serious going on underneath the surface. Questions of the babies health constantly nag at my heart, sincerely hoping that my health problems wont effect this unborn child in my womb.
All in all, I have realized that my understand of God's grace and His love have been completely misconstructed. With all of the change and my uncertainties I had fallen into a thought process that revealed my error. I would realized that I had ever subconsciously thought I had to earn God's love and the love of the people in my life. In that I found myself not assured of His love and promises for me and my family. In the midst of this dark moment in my life, a little light flickered and with the loving guidance of my husband and the Lord my eyes were opened to see where I had fallen.
It doesn't matter what I do today or rather what I cannot do today, the fact that I have such a difficult time embracing is that there nothing I can do to earn the love, mercy and faithful grace of Christ needs to change. My relationship with Christ or with people cannot be dependent on what I can do and give to it, rather when seasons of rest come and I am put in a position where I am unable to give I need to learn to sit back, breathe and simply enjoy the relationships I am living in and allow God to give to me and my soul. Resting has never easy for me, for guilt is always wrapped around me, but from today onward, I am make a statement; I recognize where I am struggling and where I need to be and I making an effort to move there. With prayer and the patient guidance of my family (specifically Alex) I know God will help me get there. So for today I rest in the knowledge that God knows where my heart is and that He is going to walk each day with me.
I think of everyone often, sending you each my love and prayers!
With love,
Leah
