.png)
Life in the Jaffrey household has been and will continue to be entirely unpredictable. Both of my children; the unborn and the rambunctious toddler (currently “washing” my entire living room with the baby wipes I found strewn across my floor), have given me far too many grey hairs (hubby says they are blonde, but I can’t see past the grey tint in them). My little unborn is trying to come way too early...way too early, requiring much extra care and caution physically for myself. In addition, my little toddler has been having far more bad days than good physically with her mysterious leg pain and fevers; these also require extra attention, patience, care, and did I mention patience?
I have found myself struggling more and more throughout the course of the pregnancy and the process we are walking with the doctors as we attempt to discover the source of the pain and discomfort the battles. I’m fighting depression, and if I’m really honest, I’m struggling to find contentment and peace in where God has me. I am crusading against anxiety and the desire for control. I am scrambling to find balance in my role as a mom, wife, homemaker, and disciple of Christ.
I want to do it all...but I can’t.
The reality is I’ve been caught in the act of burying all of my fears, questions and frustrations. For many months I didn’t even realize that I was afraid and frustrated. I refused to identify it and deal with it. So here I am three to four months later, trying to make everything work, letting myself, my family, and more importantly God down. I’ve fallen back into ugly habits of trusting in myself instead of God and the consequence has been that I’m now battling panic attacks and depression. My distrust and lack of confidence in God has resulted in behavior and an attitude that not only effects me but everyone around me, including but not limited to: my unborn child, needy toddler and stressed husband.
As I was spending some quiet time this morning, I read a phrase in one of my devotionals that deeply touched and convicted my heart:
“In our impatient, instant-everything society, waiting on God is not easy. We often picture waiting as something passive, much like twiddling our thumbs. But waiting on God is intensely active. It requires us to ‘trust in the Lord with all [our] heart and lean not on [our] own understanding’ (Proverbs 3:5)”
- An excerpt from the book: After God’s Heart
Written by Myrna Alexander
Waiting on God is intensely active. It is something I forget to do, grow lazy in, grow weary from, give up on. Time and time again I am reminded that trusting in and waiting on God’s direction and answers is not something I simply choose and profess. Trusting in God is a daily, moment by moment choice, laying down of self, exalting of God’s character and promises. It is choosing not to give into natural lusting for sinful self preservation and provisions. It is choosing to put God first in every circumstance.
Myrna Alexanders reminder revealed to me the heart of my anxiety and depression. God opened the eyes of my heart to the trap I had fallen into...again.
God knows how stressful and difficult both this pregnancy and my daughters special need are. He knows the needs of my heart, my physical being, and family. He understands better than anyone else ever could, the burden and fears I face every morning when I wake up with a screaming toddler and hard contractions. He says “Trust Me, I am your Provider, Protector, Deliverer, and Father. My will is sovereign, I am for you not against you.”
These are the truths I have to remind myself morning after morning, day by day. When I am tempted to let fears rule my heart and life and when I am found giving into my sinful flesh. God is walking these days with me, whatever happens with the baby in my womb, or whatever we discover and face with our little girl. God is greater than anything I walk into. He alone can give me the strength and peace I need to be a mom, wife, and friend who brings Him the glory.
I have a feeling that my life will be filled with moments when I try to take on the world on my shoulders, and many more moments when I am reminded to give the world back to God.
So as one mom, wife, and disciple of Christ to another, even though it is so easy to let the things in our lives pull us down we have to remind each other and be encouraged that God always has and always will be carrying our world for us and with us.
With an Earnest Love,
Leah
