A Rough Time

I can't really say that we've been going through a rough time lately. Granted, these days recently haven't been easy, or comfortable, but life as a disciple of Christ isn't (dare I say, shouldn't be?) easy, comfortable or relaxing. Real life in pursuit of Christ is not like living the 'American dream'. It's not about the perfect family, job, status, friends, or success. Joy does not come from a comfortable situation, the ideal living, great health, and making it all work. Life as a Christian is hard; we are promised to face persecution, trials, and a fallen world everyday. So I can't really say that we've been going through a rough time lately, because my life as a disciple has been nothing but rough- a crazy, sometimes unbelievable journey as I discover and serve Christ the best that I can.

I could tell you a sob story, tug on your heart strings as you sympathize over the things I've faced and my family has endured these past few months, but I'm not going to do that. Instead I want to share what God is continuing to speak into my heart along the way. This season, while a new string of 'trials' is not new in the sense of the tribulations - only the circumstances surrounding it. What we are going through specifically doesn't matter significantly in the big picture of 'going out and making disciples' or of 'following after Christ' or 'dying to ourselves', except that we are constantly learning through trail in error what it means to put Jesus first in everything.

What I am learning is that, no matter how hard things get, what I or my family my have to face physically, emotionally or spiritually, when we are able to keep our eyes and focus on serving and glorifying Christ and the Father first, then we experience Him the way David so rawly and yet eloquently emphasized in his psalms and prayers.  The great commission is about making His name known, proclaiming the good news to the world, and serving Him with humility and selfless abandonment. What I am continuing to realize is that, serving and loving Jesus with all my heart and my life is not about looking forward to the comfortable days, having great health, being in a good financial position, or anything else that makes life fun, or inviting. While none of that is bad, life does not guarantee any of it, nor should my heart be contented by it.

If Jesus can't satisfy my deep thirst for a fulfilling and meaningful life than none of that good fluffy world stuff can either. It never has and it never will be for me. That is why I have found contentment in the midst of these trials and great tribulations. That's why Paul could teach and serve so passionately and restlessly despite the multiple appalling persecutions he faced as a disciple and that's why people are still going out into the world, risking their lives, giving up their comfortable homes and lifestyles to share the good news with the desperately lost and hungry in the world.

In America especially, though not exclusively, it can be so easy to get sucked into this modern, self-promoting, comfort driven, materialistic mindset. Living in this world is like waking every morning and walking through a maze, so often getting lost in the things of this world; in the relationships, dreams and desires of our hearts- we loose sight of the One who is rooting for us. We get tangled up in the corn husks, stuck in the mud, and find ourselves hungry lonely and lost, wondering where we turned wrong when all we had to do was look up and keep our eyes on Him and His light guiding the way.

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As Mr. J. and I have struggled through this past month, people from all sides of our lives have come together to encourage and lift us up, but the truth is, that while this hasn't been easy, we are not surprised or discouraged. We have not been prevented from serving God, drawing near to Him or experiencing Him in our day to day life. In fact, the more difficult things become, the closer we are draw to Christ, each other, and the body of Christ. God does not allow these things in our lives to distract us from Him or beat us to the ground, He is simply allowing a work to be done in our hearts and lives that will ultimately draw us to Him and bring Glory and honor to Himself. Our trials and struggles today are a beautiful opportunity to know Christ and grow in Christ. We wouldn't trade that for the world.

While we aren't just going through a rough time, this life is rough. It's hard. We constantly have to fight against our heart's wants and desires, and die to ourselves, particularly when things get harder. This life is a constant battle ground. Whether we want to admit it or not, we are in the midst of a battle and there is an enemy who is seeking to bring us down and destroy us. We don't want the easy life, we want to stand up and fight, no matter what it costs. After all, these days will fade, these trials are only momentary; someday we will stand in the throne room of God and not one of these painful seasons will be on our minds as we stand in awe, worshiping the God of the Universe.


I just want to encourage you today. Whatever you are going through right now, however painful, impossible or hopeless things may seem, if you can truly keep your eyes on Christ and seek Him in the moment, He will be your rest and hope. There is a peace and joy in serving the Lord and putting Him at the forefront of everything you do and think. I have been in some dark valleys throughout my walk, but never once has my God forsaken and abandoned me.


With an Earnest Love,
Leah

A Secret Story

This blog was first put together when I felt the tugging on my heart to share my story with you; to take you along for the incredible journey God has set my feet upon. My whole life has been a constant change of seasons, filled with valleys, deserts, and rocky mountain roads. God has been working, leading and challenging me for as long as I can remember. He has been drawing me near, teaching me, and showing me more and more of His heart. 

I haven't had it easy; if you've been following my story you have watched and followed some of what God has brought me through. While it is never easy in the moment, I wouldn't change anything I've gone through because while it's been hard and filled with pain, it has brought me closer to knowing the God I love and serve. My greatest hope and desire is that, no matter how hard life gets or what I will go through, that I can bring God glory through it. I want to share my life with you because I want to be a transparent vessel for Christ. Perhaps my suffering and my victories can be for your benefit too. 

That is why I feel compelled to share this other part of my life that I've kept to myself; a secret I buried deep in my heart, ashamed, and embarrassed to admit. I've suffered silently through the past three years, looking for answers physically, spiritually and emotionally. Through this past year, as I've found healing through Christ, it has become apparent to me that I can keep quiet no longer. I have prayed and sought the Lord in this and I can no longer deny the clear direction God has put in my heart to share and encourage others through it. 

This is the testimony I am currently uploading on the web page my friend and I are putting together as a biblical support group. You may already be familiar with parts and pieces of this testimony but in oder to understand the significance of what God has done in me through all of this I wanted to share the story as I wrote it. 

I don't know what God will do through my story in the lives of other women and couples, but I do know that if God could work in my marriage the way He has despite my handicaps then I want to stand up for other women and marriages that may be struggling to understand the great mission we have and true intimacy God gives us through marriage for the sake of His glory. I want to be bold and stand with other women for Christ. 

Here is my story:

My name is Leah Jaffrey, ( most of you may know me) I am a young wife, a mother of two girls, and a disciple of Christ. While on the outside, I may seem to be a normal woman, I have carried a secret that has been a heavy burden these past few years. There is a shame and guilt that has challenged and haunted my life as a wife and woman since the day I married my dear husband. It has had an effect on my marriage, my self-identity, my health, and my view of God. It has forced me to rethink and reexamine everything I thought God intended and looked for in marriage; everything I thought I knew. 

After a long distance relationship for three and a half years and a long year of trying to get my parents blessing for marriage, to an impossibly difficult situation and choice in our engagement, to a wedding that I couldn’t have ever prepared myself enough for- I found out that I was a woman with a rare condition that would instigate trauma, debilitating pain, and the inability to know my husband through physically intimacy. 

My husband is my best friend, the one I most respect, desire to serve, and will always fight for. We haven’t had it easy from the day we met, but our love has grown through the years. We learned to fiercely protect, preserve, and fight for what God has given us. We had to learn early on in our courting years how to work together and pursue God through the storms. We had to learn to put Him first and obey Him and His word above our own desires. While we were in no way prepared for the reality we would have to face together after we got married, we did have experience in pushing through the storms and turning to God through them. 

When I learned that I wouldn’t be able to have sex with my husband anymore, (never without debilitating pain) I was left with so many questions, guilt, and a heavy curtain of shame I couldn’t shake off. I had doctors, friends, and family members both indicate and out-right say things like, ‘I wouldn’t blame him if he left you’ or ‘Your poor husband, you are going to have to work extra hard to please him in every way you can so he doesn’t hate you or resent you.‘ There have been messages after messages of the shame I had become to the one I loved so much and I started to believe them.   

My husband has never made a big deal about my condition, or what I can’t give him. He has been an incredible example of self-sacrificing love and has fervently protected and fought for me despite the words and voices bombarding my life so suddenly. But nothing could change the fact that I felt like I was a failure and less of a woman because I couldn’t do one of the main things a wife was expected to perform, in ways even scripture taught. I couldn’t understand why God would allow this area of our lives to be so dramatically challenged. If I was to be a godly wife, why would I not be able to do the very thing I am commanded to do for my husband?

Since my diagnosis, I’ve battled not just guilt and shame, but also PTSD which has caused pseudo seizures, a panic disorder, and depression. It has ultimately effected my life in ways I never anticipated. I felt stripped, left naked and exposed to the world. In my eyes, I felt like God had taken away my ability to be a good wife, my ability to have a home filled with our children, my emotional health, and all my hopes and dreams I ever carried in my heart. All I wanted growing up was to marry a man of God and raise our many children. I wanted to have a big house filled with the pitter-patter of children’s feet, our doors open to the needs of the world and tender to the calling of God’s commission. Yet here I was, 20 years old, with a husband I couldn’t love (by the worlds standards), a baby I couldn’t be left alone with because I was suffering so severely with seizures and emotional instability, due to my physical diagnosis no chance at getting pregnant ever again, and no hope with a future in ministry due to my paralyzed spiritual and emotional state of being.

Long story short, God took me through a time of great healing spiritually and emotionally. My husband and I ended up moving in with my parents while God took me through a journey of healing and restoration. He slowly started working in my heart and showing me the truth in His word and His design for my life. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and for my husband. I stopped giving into the pressure of guilt and shame from the world around me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still struggle with pangs of guilt here and there, but my heart attitude towards my husband and acceptance of who I was, freed me to discover and love my husband the way Christ loves the church. My husband and I have set out on a journey of rediscovering intimacy the way God designed marriages rather than what the world and often times even the church promotes. 

I had hit rock bottom, but God raised me up and out of the pit. He put my feet on a rock and gave me direction. While this road is never going to be easy, I will walk through the valleys and up the mountains and trust that no matter what I may face, God can use me and my desires to serve Him where I am.  

My heart’s desire is to draw women back to Christ, back into marriages that are filled with tender love and steadfast determination to live out the calling that God has placed on our marriages. If God can use me through my weakness, baggage, and shortcomings, and if I can pursue a marriage filled with a deep incomparable intimacy, then God can certainly use and work through you. Even for us women, who walk through our lives carrying deep burdens of guilt and shame, or baggage from trauma and tragedies in our past, there is hope. Through God anything is possible, especially when we are pursuing Him above all else. We don’t have to be captives of the world or ourselves - In Christ there is true freedom, even for us. 

With an Earnest Love,

Leah J.