I Am Like An Israelite

 There are days when the whole world seems to be spinning out of orbit around me. I sit here with a baby finally asleep in my arms, listening to the chaos surrounding my simple days- and yet the chaos has nothing to do with me. It’s like sitting on the side of a highway watching life and loved ones fly by without a second glance. Everyone is off saving the world to some degree, while I sit by the road side as my baby screams herself to sleep again and I am helpless to do anything to change that. 

       

         Confined and unable to leave the house for more than a walk around the block, in a daze I watch my days come and go with few memories and little to say about them. I love being a mom and watching my daughter grow, but some days it is so hard to watch everyone busy and about- to see the world alive and thriving simply to be stuck in a house filed with pandemonium and commotion. It is amazing that though I am surrounded by people more than not, I sometimes feel more alone than I ever have. 

         Whichever way the waves crash so my boat is thrust about, though I am still and my feet are grounded, the sea in a reckless frenzy throws me about like forgotten wreckage. So are my days in this house. With a baby at hip and my feet tracing my previous steps again and again, I wonder has it been another day again? Is it morning yet? Or is this just one day that will never end?

As these thoughts pulse through my heart and race through my mind, I am simply reminded of the Israelites. They were given manna at their cry for food, and water when their throats were parched, and when they grew weary of manna, God opened the heavens and quail landed at their feet. Yet they complained- they were still ungrateful. God has given me a child and a husband both who love me. He heard the cries from my heart and implored His ear unto my prayers and with mercy and grace poured blessings upon my head. And still I here with quail and manna on my tongue and weep for the things which are yet to come in later days. Ungratefully I ponder my sorrows, and with lonely days I hold the blessing of God in my arms and pray for something more. 

           He should send venomous vipers to bite me in my sleep as He did to the discouraged people He blessed and showed mercy too. I have such a wicked heart. My heart betrays the Lord even when He has blessed beyond what I deserve. I need to turn my heart to God and bless Him in the midst of these quiet days. Praises and worship should sound from my mouth in all things. 

           As I sit here quietly, while my baby sleeps- as the ones I love rush about and go from here to there, will I sit and let the quiet days fill me with peace and stillness? If I am perhaps the Lord will speak and fill my heart with deep and refreshing thoughts of Him. If I seek Him in all things and listen as the world goes by, I know will be filled with peace. Why then is it so hard just to sit still?  How often do I have a season of quiet days to simply sit and listen to the Lord? Will this season of lonesome days be filled instead with love and the Spirit of God? Will I be able to make the choice to let songs of joy and praise surround me and overflow from me?

God has given me His Spirit. He has raised me out of the mire and called me to Himself. Surely He will help me turn my heart to Him and let the chaos around me become a distant friend, instead filling my heart and days with deep thoughts and revealing the mysteries of His Word to my wondering heart. The world around me will become like white noise, I will sleep with a smile on my lips and with a song in my heart and rise with joy to the wakeful laughter of another day to hold and treasure as my baby grows and thrives before my eyes. Is there nothing more delightful than finding peace in the Lord and precious riches like buried treasures in the light of every new day? 

And so I am learning to embrace motherhood on a whole new level- to soak in the simple days and hold the quiet moments like precious jewels and priceless treasures. 

    Love,

        Leah

When Love Is Work

          It's been a long time since I've written last. I regret that I haven't made more time to write and share what God has been doing in my heart and life and the road He is taking Alex and I on. Writing is an important part of stress relief for me and sharing and meditation on what God is doing in me day to day forces me to commit my heart and thoughts on Christ rather than the chaos that surrounds me. Therefore I am honestly trying to make journaling and writing a priority again. Even if all I manage are a few scribbled sentences in my neglected journal prior to surrendering to sleep.

       I've been thinking a lot lately about what God is speaking to me and showing me. It is so easy to get caught up in the emotion of everything going on in this whirlwind of a corrupted world, that I catch myself overcomplicating overthinking things that are really very simple. The first is love. I'm not one to normally hold grudges, or to struggle forgiving or letting go, but these last few months have really thrown me through the wringer. I've had anger and bitterness in my heart. I've struggled day after day to understand why I'm so angry that I can't just let it go. I made excuses, explained away the circumstances, but none of that changed how deeply I hurt and how wronged I felt, which continued to fuel my anger and frustration.

       The truth is that Love is simple. I am telling myself this again as I write it because it is not always an easy thing to embrace. Love is putting someone else first above yourself- above myself. It's not about the way I feel about someone, or what they do to me, or how I deserve to be treated by them. It is simply self-sacrifice. Jesus understood that better than anyone else ever did. I am constantly finding that I have to take myself back to the gospel and remind myself what Jesus endured for my sake and your sake. It was not easy, but it was simple. As puny, arrogant, evil little humans mocked, beat, and abused the Son of God He still loved us. As He hung on the cross dying for us, He loved us. He endured so much more than I will ever be faced with simply for undeserving love. I'm not supposed to give love to those who earn it. It is a gift to give freely, consciously, always without exception.

         Whether I've done anything wrong myself or not, my angry and hurt stems directly from selfish desires. I think and act like I deserve to be treated and thought of a certain way. I put myself and my feelings above choosing to love someone first. Love does not hold grudges. Love forgives. Love does not think of it's first or put itself above anyone. I am no better than anyone else and I sin and fall short of the glory of God. This means that apart from Christ I am sentenced to death, and yet I constantly find myself trapped in a mindset of measuring my self worth and purity. This nothing. Christ and His sacrifice of love for me, is the only thing that sets me apart from the world. When I act and behave as though I'm deserving of more I'm putting myself above those who are just as I am. This is not a heart of purity or one that glorifies God.

        If I am to love, I am to put aside myself worth and cling to the hope I have in God. For if my heart is focused on Him in all things, I will find that the words and actions of the world won't capture me in the bondage of anger and bitterness. Christ should be my all, nothing men do or say can take that away from me. Who I am, and who I will become is in Christ. It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me or does to me. I'm hoping that Love will become easier with time. I hope with certainty because I have experienced the freedom of Love, to give and receive because of the freedom I have in Jesus.  


_Charlie Ann has woken from her nap, so I must go for now. But I'll write again soon! God is always working, so I'll never run out of things to write about! By for now!

Love,
Leah