When Love Is Work

          It's been a long time since I've written last. I regret that I haven't made more time to write and share what God has been doing in my heart and life and the road He is taking Alex and I on. Writing is an important part of stress relief for me and sharing and meditation on what God is doing in me day to day forces me to commit my heart and thoughts on Christ rather than the chaos that surrounds me. Therefore I am honestly trying to make journaling and writing a priority again. Even if all I manage are a few scribbled sentences in my neglected journal prior to surrendering to sleep.

       I've been thinking a lot lately about what God is speaking to me and showing me. It is so easy to get caught up in the emotion of everything going on in this whirlwind of a corrupted world, that I catch myself overcomplicating overthinking things that are really very simple. The first is love. I'm not one to normally hold grudges, or to struggle forgiving or letting go, but these last few months have really thrown me through the wringer. I've had anger and bitterness in my heart. I've struggled day after day to understand why I'm so angry that I can't just let it go. I made excuses, explained away the circumstances, but none of that changed how deeply I hurt and how wronged I felt, which continued to fuel my anger and frustration.

       The truth is that Love is simple. I am telling myself this again as I write it because it is not always an easy thing to embrace. Love is putting someone else first above yourself- above myself. It's not about the way I feel about someone, or what they do to me, or how I deserve to be treated by them. It is simply self-sacrifice. Jesus understood that better than anyone else ever did. I am constantly finding that I have to take myself back to the gospel and remind myself what Jesus endured for my sake and your sake. It was not easy, but it was simple. As puny, arrogant, evil little humans mocked, beat, and abused the Son of God He still loved us. As He hung on the cross dying for us, He loved us. He endured so much more than I will ever be faced with simply for undeserving love. I'm not supposed to give love to those who earn it. It is a gift to give freely, consciously, always without exception.

         Whether I've done anything wrong myself or not, my angry and hurt stems directly from selfish desires. I think and act like I deserve to be treated and thought of a certain way. I put myself and my feelings above choosing to love someone first. Love does not hold grudges. Love forgives. Love does not think of it's first or put itself above anyone. I am no better than anyone else and I sin and fall short of the glory of God. This means that apart from Christ I am sentenced to death, and yet I constantly find myself trapped in a mindset of measuring my self worth and purity. This nothing. Christ and His sacrifice of love for me, is the only thing that sets me apart from the world. When I act and behave as though I'm deserving of more I'm putting myself above those who are just as I am. This is not a heart of purity or one that glorifies God.

        If I am to love, I am to put aside myself worth and cling to the hope I have in God. For if my heart is focused on Him in all things, I will find that the words and actions of the world won't capture me in the bondage of anger and bitterness. Christ should be my all, nothing men do or say can take that away from me. Who I am, and who I will become is in Christ. It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me or does to me. I'm hoping that Love will become easier with time. I hope with certainty because I have experienced the freedom of Love, to give and receive because of the freedom I have in Jesus.  


_Charlie Ann has woken from her nap, so I must go for now. But I'll write again soon! God is always working, so I'll never run out of things to write about! By for now!

Love,
Leah