I need to take a minute and admit something I haven't been brave enough or honest enough to admit. I don't really care if anyone reads this, but in order to move on myself I need to say this publicly. I need to know that other people might know this little secret about me. It is a small step to healing.
Over the last seven months my life has turned upside down, inside out, and backside in. I have been tested before- there have been multiple tribulations in my life where I have wondered how I would make it through in one piece, but in every situation through every circumstance I was able somehow to keep my heart and eyes focused on Christ. I believed without doubt that God was with me, carrying my broken pieces, my fragile heart and that in the end He would help me walk through stronger, wiser and with an increased depth of understand of Glory and humility. These last few months have pushed me far over the edge; far beyond anything I have been able to handle. I liked to believe that I was fine; that I had dealt with my heartache and confusion, but as of two days ago I cannot deny the fact that I have never been so broken, heartless, and empty.
I have been through more pain and confusion, had more questions and doubts in the last seven months than I have had through my entire life. I have had a strong reliance on Christ my whole childhood, and with anything I have ever gone through I was able to seek out the answers and comfort I needed in Scripture and through prayer. Now, though I know the answers in my head, my heart knows not how to begin dealing with this burden. I use to be able to open my bible and know exactly where to go to find what I needed, I use to pray constantly through the day, I use to smile and find joy in life even through the various trials I was going through. Today I sit with my bible, closed, and a quiet heart seeking desperately for words. I have gone through the last four months convincing myself that I was okay and that I needed to be over the pain and frustration I was feeling. I buried my heart so deeply within myself I started putting a block in-between my relationship with God and myself. I have grown more and more distant over the last four months than I would have ever thought possible.
I would have continued believing that I was fine- that my tears where due to the fact that I was over tired and that the desperate compulsive need I had to talk through the same situations over and over again where only response to the nightmares I couldn't escape. However when Alex challenged my tears, fears and desires I crumbled in his arms unable to say anything, realizing how true his statements resounded. I was hiding from myself and in the process had pushed God away as much as I knew I needed Him. Somehow I have gotten to the point in my life where I just don't feel like I am worth the trouble. I would rather pour myself into the lives of the people around me. I wanted to have a baby not exclusively but mostly due to the fact that I knew I could focus entirely on that baby and that I wouldn't have to deal with myself anymore. Some how my life would mean more if I had a baby. I realize now how empty and foolish that conviction was.
How could I be a Mother or mentor to any person when I can't deal with my own issues. I had to realize that it is okay to hurt, to feel pain and not know how to heal but to struggle through the process. It is good to desperately need God, counseling, and consistent encouragement. It is okay to be needy for a time. I have never been willing to admit that. Even now though I have hope, it is difficult for me to admit that I am not okay. How can I ever encourage other people if I don't know what it feels like to be broken and need God?
The fact is: I am a very broken, hurt and confused individual. I don't have the answers, I don't know how to heal, but I do know that God is with me and He is going to help me. I know I will need counseling and a support system and I am okay with that now. I want to be whole again; to feel confident in Christ and to feel the joy I walked in the last several years. Today I know I have made progress; honesty with myself has set me free. I am free to seek out help, to hurt and to realize that I don't have it all together and it's okay.
I don't know why God has allowed everything that has happened in my life, but I do know that in the end He is perfecting me and helping me identify with His people. I am so thankful that I am surrounded by so many incredible friends and my husband as God works through this hole in my heart. God knew I couldn't do this on my own and He has surrounded me with an incredible family of friends and brothers and sisters in Christ.
I took a step. I tiny step forward. Yay! I am going to celebrate this small achievement and continue walking forward.
Love,
Leah
