When I Cannot Control I Will Praise

                       Thursday October 18th was circled on my calendar- with a bright red pen the date stood reserved. I had been looking forward to starting work again after two long weeks of feeling like a prisoner of my own home. I looked forward to the day with hope and a sense of some new grand adventure awaiting me around the corner. My life feels like a story book sometimes, I never know what will happen, but something always welcomes me with open arms. A new job and family is always like a new story coming to life; there is a sense of hope and wonder at what God could possibly do with this next chapter. However I did not expect to remember the beginning as the day we lost our baby.

                   I had been anxious and worried about our baby for several days, but trying to convince myself that the few concerns I had were normal in any pregnancy. Nothing had progressed into anything worthy of alarm until that morning when in a matter of minutes I knew I was loosing the baby.

                  The day initially began wonderfully and everything seemed like it was going to be okay, until I suddenly started bleeding heavily with painful pressure and a burning sensation in my belly. After talking with my Mom and my Aunt I was able to put to rest my concerns for a while, convincing myself that it was probably nothing more than another UTI or other minor infection. It seemed like not an hour had passed when I started cramping. It came so suddenly; leaving me in terrified agony all of my insides turned and quailed and balked at the raking pain. One minute I was fine, changing diapers and praying over the child sleeping in my belly and the next I was on the floor almost unable to breath through the pain. It came in waves as I fought against it trying to feed and care for the twins. The blood kept coming and gushing and the pain was worse every time it came. I have never felt so alone, trapped or helpless. I was so scared- I knew I was loosing our baby and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

                   I pressed through work, trying to ignore what was happening- trying to make a good impression on my first day. Somehow I managed a smile and cheerfully chatter as I went over the kids day with the Mother. I honestly don't remember much of that day with the exception that I spent the majority of the evening in the emergency room in a daze trying to make sense of what was happening. My miscarriage was unusually painful and severe which made dealing with the emotions of loosing our baby a little bit more extreme. The following day I ended up trying to go back to work with the intention of acting like nothing happened. I hadn't cried all morning and as much as I didn't want to deal with work due to the physical pain and emotional status, I believed that it wouldn't be too difficult to manage. I was wrong. I didn't last but five minutes before I broke down bawling on the living room floor with one of the twins in my lap and everyone staring wide-eyed at my swollen tear filled eyes. I did not expect the sympathy and concern that wrapped my broken heart in a warm embrace. I ended up staying a few hours hoping to make it through most of the day when I was told that I needed to go back to the ER. At 10:30 I was on my way to the hospital again with my husband holding my hand and my heart.

               We spent the next six grueling hours in the hospital room, with doctors and nurses in and out- out more than in. I was scared and hurting deeply from our loss. I imagine it is hard for any woman to put into words what it is like loosing their baby that they have grown to love and spend the last several weeks dreaming about and imagining what their life will hold. I had fallen in love with our baby more deeply than I would have ever initially believed possible for an unborn child. But this baby was special (like any baby will ever be); when we had been told that there was a chance we would never be able to have a baby in the first place, then to find out we were pregnant within the first few weeks of our married life was beyond exhilarating. Not to mention the healing we had experienced from the last few months when we knew a baby was on the way. This baby was hope and healing-nothing short of a miracle. Why would God take that away from us? After everything God had already allowed us to struggle through this past year why would it be such an impossible feat to give us a healthy whole baby? When I realized what was happening to me and our baby it was like I was loosing part of myself. Our baby was part of me; growing and developing in my womb. A child made by love was inside and part of my husband and I, and now gone.
     
                   I wanted so desperately to force God to give us our baby back, but I knew it was out of my hands. I wanted to control what only God could give and take away. If there was ever a moment when I felt the most helpless and small it was the moment I realized that I could do nothing to save my baby with the exception of prayer and even then God didn't have to give us our baby. I came to a point in the midst of my grief and heartache thatI knew I had to surrender our baby to God and trust Him with her life and ours. You would think that after all the practice I have had with surrendering and being forced to trust God with my life and the ones I love that it would be easier this time. Honestly though, giving up that baby and letting go the desire to hold on to her was almost more painful than anything else I had experienced through the whole process. The peace and hope that invaded my heart afterwards made the pain bearable and for the first time I could without anger, rest and acknowledge that God had taken our baby and that someday I would meet her in heaven with Jesus.

                I know people constantly ask the question that if God says He is good, then why does He allow bad things to happen to His people. I asked that question this past weekend and the answers I received encouraged and strengthened my heart and soul. James encourages us to take heart when we fall into trials and temptations: "My Brethren count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." I know I live in a fallen world and bad things happen because we are a crooked and corrupted people, but I also know that God allows things in our lives that test us and refine us like Gold in fire. He makes us strong and builds us up in Him. Just like muscle has to be broken before it can rebuild so do we sometimes have to break before God can build us up stronger and ever more faithful.

               Even though we have struggled through this last year, God has abundantly surrounded Alex and I with friends, family, strangers and acquaintances that have encouraged us, supported us, prayed and loved us. Even though somedays it feels like we have walked through hell, we have never been happier. We are deeply in love with each other, with God, and our friends and family. Even through the bad we have been blessed and lifted up. Who are we to say we deserve any more when Jesus gave up everything for us? If God could give up His only son for us, surely Alex and I could trust Him with our little one.

                Alex and I made a decision to Praise God through the wonderful moments and the bad. We may have lost our baby for a while until we are untied, but have more to be thankful for today than we did two months ago. We are still sad and nothing will ever change the fact that we will miss our baby, but if God allowed it than we will choose to trust Him with it.


                       'I will bless the Lord at all times;
                        His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
                       My soul shall make boast in the Lord;
                       The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
                        Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
                       And let us exalt His name together.

                       I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
                       And delivered me from all my fears,
                       They looked to Him and were radiant,
                       And their faces were not ashamed.
                       This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him.
                       And saved him out of his troubles.
                       The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
                       And delivers them.
             
                       Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
                       Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
                      Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
                      There is no want from those who fear Him.
                       The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
                      But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing...'
                
-Psalm 34:1-10


Alex and I want to thank everyone who has been there for us, supporting, encouraging, and going out of their way to help us. We have never felt so overwhelmed by all of the support and love of everyone around us.

Much love to all.