Beauty in Pain

Tears filled my eyes; I could feel the hot, heart wrenching, sobs pulse through my body with every heart beat. My white, aching, cold hands clutched my closed worn bible while shaking and trembling in spasms. My breathing was a wheezy, shallow, hollow sound, as if the pain and panic griped my throat, threatening to steal my voice. My chest heaved within me and tightened with every cry that escaped my dry cracked lips. Darkness swallowed me, emptiness captured my hope, and sent me spiraling into the depths of despair. 

I was broken.

If a soul could bleed I would have filled a river, my spirit felt like it was utterly dying within me without hope of healing. 

My sobs prevented me from speaking and my tongue refused to move, so in my head I cried to the Lord. I screamed as loud as I could-the very depths of my soul rang with the echoes of my cries. 

"Lord, Lord? Where are You? Do You hear my cry? Can You hear me in this night? I weep and I seek You. Lord, do not let me fall to the wayside. Draw me to You. Hold my broken heart. Tenderly touch me, for I need Your mercy to meet me tonight. I cannot walk this road alone. I feel so alone. I feel so weak. I am utterly destroyed. Lord, Lord, are You here? Please hear me now. Be my rescue." 

   ***********************

There are so many moments in my walk with the Lord when I have come to a place of brokenness; where things truly feel hopeless and impossible. Darkness meets me with open arms welcoming me into caverns of spiritual despair. It is in moments like this when I see and discover God in the most  living, intimate and real way. It is when my 'religion' becomes a living relationship.  

Crying and desperate, in the dark of the night when all is silent, the world stands still, and the pain of my broken heart shatters cages that hold the murky shadows releasing the monsters who rise among me to haunt my desolate soul-in that moment; as defeated as I am, I realize how desperately I need God. I realize there is no more strength in me; only God can rescue my contrite spirit (psalm 34:19). 

Quietly, softly, my aching turns to peace, my weeping to joy, and the presence of God illuminates with words of truth, every darkened, hopeless nook and cranny of my heart. My fears, my desolation is snatched away; a strength and hope greater than my adrenaline could supply calms the storm in my heart and lifts me up on wings of love, carrying me over the crashing waves, embracing me in billows of tender mercies, restoring my joy, filling me with songs and praises. My broken pieces are gathered in His hands as he molds with new clay and begins forming me anew.      

He whispers in my ear, "Be still my child, I am here. Come rest in My arms and let Me refresh your soul. I will give you strength in your weakness. Be still."  

Through my brokenness, through my pain, the Lord draws me to Himself. Every time I come to a place when I can't go on, when I am broken and in need of real living strength apart from myself, God meets me where I am and restores my soul. He turns my weeping to laughter, and my misery to joy. There is so much beauty in my pain - from the depths of my brokenness God reveals Himself to me in small pieces.   

 The psalms of David are such a beautiful depiction of how God meets us where are. Especially in the hour of broken and painful reflections.  

"I sought the Lord, and He heard me, 

And delivered me from all my fears."

...

"The angel of the Lord encamps around all those who fear Him, 

And delivers them."

...

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, 

And delivers them out of all their troubles. 

The Lord, is near to those who have a broken heart 

And saves such as have a contrite spirit. 

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,

But the Lord delivers him out of them all.

...

The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, 

And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned. "

Psalm 34: 4, 7, 17, 18, 19, 22

*****

"I waited patiently for the Lord,

And He inclinded to me, 

And heard my cry.

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,

Out of the miry clay, 

And set my feet upon a rock,

And established my steps.

He has put a new song in my mouth-

Praises to our God;

Many will see it and fear,

And will trust in the Lord."

Psalm 40:1-3

*****

(My favorite)

"As the deer pants for the water brooks,

So pants my soul for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God

When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,

While they continually say to me,

“Where is your God?”

When I remember these things,

I pour out my soul within me.

For I used to go with the multitude;

I went with them to the house of God,

With the voice of joy and praise,

With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast. 

Why are you cast down, O my soul?

And why are you disquieted within me?

Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him

For the help of His countenance.

O my God, my soul is cast down within me;

Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,

And from the heights of Hermon,

From the Hill Mizar.

 

Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;

All Your waves and billows have gone over me.

 

The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,

And in the night His song shall be with me—

A prayer to the God of my life.

I will say to God my Rock,

“Why have You forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”

As with a breaking of my bones.

My enemies reproach me,

While they say to me all day long,

“Where is your God?”

Why are you cast down, O my soul?

And why are you disquieted within me?

Hope in God;

For I shall yet praise Him,

The help of my countenance and my God. "

Psalm 42

David gives me such a beautiful picture of how God works in our hearts in the midst of our brokenness.  Through God our brokenness becomes beauty. Our 'religion' becomes a living relationship. 

With Love,

Leah