When Prayer Changes Your Life

 It has been a good month and a half since I've last written to you. This is lame sauce on my part.  Honestly though, being a new mom is not an easy adventure to undertake. I've listened to many mothers tell me that once your baby is here you won't have much time for anything. It isn't that I didn't believe them, or that I thought things would be different for my baby and I. I think I just didn't fully realize what that would entail. I didn't realize that after Charlotte was born that my meals would almost literally be in-haled as I bounced her to sleep in my arms, or that I would most look forward to my five minutes in the shower. Motherhood has been one of the most precious experiences for me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it isn't easy-it is exhausting, sometimes frustrating, I'm constantly finding bodily fluids all over my would-be-clothes, and overall it is time-consuming. My days have been filled with little more than diaper changes, burping marathons, feedings, naps, dancing in the living room to stop her little tears, and lots and lots of prayer. I love it (or most of- it poop and spit up I could do without.), it has left little time to write.

      So much has happened these last several weeks, I'm not even sure where to begin. The biggest change for us has been our move to New York. I've been having some health complications for a while and after Charlotte came, things suddenly intensified to the point of needing constant supervision on my part. There was fear that I could potentially drop my sweetheart, and no one wanted to risk that. So almost overnight I was being 'mommy sat' constantly. My mom actually came up from New York (note that she has 6 other kids at home, but still came to help me for which I'm so thankful) and staid with me sleeping on an air mattress for 5 weeks while we worked with doctors to figure things out. After two weeks and a couple consults with my doctors and a specialist it became very clear to us that there would be a long-term need for support and help as I worked through my health issues. After praying and thinking long and hard, Alex and I came to the conclusion that the best thing for our family would be to move in with my parents in New York while we work through this process. So over the last three weeks we packed up and moved back to my home town.

Valentines Day

     There is such a huge part of me that is so relieved to be back home with my family and friends, but that aside I cannot deny the shame and frustration I feel due to the fact that I can't be relied on to take care of my own baby and my husband. All my life I've dreamed of being a mom and a wife, and now that I am wearing both shoes, I find I have to rely on other people to help me for the sake of my child and husband. Shame- it isn't an easy thing to deal with. I know that God has a plan for our family and that He is walking with us through these health issues, but I cannot deny the fact that I feel like less of a person, mother, wife and friend due to my health and emotional needs. I wanted to be a super mom. I wanted to do it all, but instead I am struggling to lead a semi-normal life. When Alex and I first got married we both prayed a prayer that we believe has drastically changed our life together- a prayer that proves God hears and answers us when we pray. It was a simple and an honest desire, but we didn't realize then the impact it would have on us. We wanted to live out a life that wasn't easy or normal- we wanted to struggle and constantly be challenged, we wanted God to strengthen us and perfect us, we wanted to live a life that God could work through; not finding comfort and ease where we could forget the gravity of our walk with the Lord. God heard us that evening. Since that day we have had nothing less than a walk filled with trials and tribulations. Normal? Haha, not at all.

Kisses for the baby

    Even though we wouldn't change a thing that we have gone through and endured, it's no secret that it isn't easy to walk in joy, peace and faith. We have cried, been angry, and questioned more in the last year and a half than we have in our entire lives. God took seriously our desire to grow and understand Him more. This struggle with my health and the journey we are walking through the process is just the beginning of Him working in our hearts. We are stumbling through day by day all the while praying for some clear direction. Somehow things always work out, and I know in the end we will only be stronger and have a clearer picture of who God is.

      Long story short, we are fully moved into my parents house. Alex is looking for a job and we are trusting God to provide something for us, and I am starting to move forward to find healing and to get our life somewhat back together. I want to be the best mom that I can be, and I'm learning that even if I have to struggle with health issues the rest of my life, amidst the shame and feelings of failure, God will help me be a mother to my daughter and a wife to my husband. As we get settled I hope to write more and share more of what God is teaching me as a wife and mother.

Love,
Leah