Where We Stand

            We are now just a few days away from our wedding and next weekend we get the keys to our new apartment in Newark, New York. So much has transpired through the last month, I really don't know where to begin. We are now getting married in Bar Harbor, Maine, and we have signed a year lease for our apartment which means that we will be in New York for a while longer. It is hard to say where God may lead us after this year. At this point I am planning on getting an associates degree online in Early Childhood Education, and Alex is planning on doing his first year at least online as soon as we can afford to start. But there is no saying where we will be after this year. Two months ago we honestly did not believed that we would be in the position in which we are today.

                My last post left us wondering how and why God had allowed Alex's knee injury. We believed that God was in it and that there was some kind of blessing involved, but we were not prepared at the time for what shortly followed due to the situation. Long story short, five weeks before the wedding my parents felt it necessary to indefinitely post-pone our wedding. They had their reasons, and they honestly believed that they were asking and requiring something that they believed was necessary due to the situation. I know it wasn't easy for them to force that on us, but as my parents they believed they were doing what was right and best for us. Before I go on, I want to make a point to say that I admire and respect my parents and I believe that they need to stand on what they believe. I can only hope that when Alex and I are parents that we will have the strength to stand for what we believe regardless of how other people see the situation. But with that being said, Alex and I did not agree with what they were requiring of us. After weeks of prayer and earnest seeking, we were convinced and convicted that we could not willingly submit under the situation.

                 That conclusion resulted in one of the most painful and crucial decisions Alex and I have ever made and had to stand on. A part of me was relieved that we had made the decision to still get married on our date, but on the flip side now I would walk fatherless down the aisle knowing the pain and heartache I caused my family. Growing up as a little girl I always had a vision of what my wedding would look like, what it would feel like, what it would sound like, the joy of friends and family in our ears filling our hearts with the melody of heavenly rejoicing. Now I simply pray that it be free of animosity and heartache. Through this situation God has challenged me to come away from the worlds expectations of us, my expectations of my ideal dream, and focus instead on Him and the beauty of Alex and I standing before a Holy and perfect God, giving ourselves to each other and to Him for the term of our short lives here. We will be going before Him as we are; imperfect, simple, joyfully surrendering all we are to the benefit of the other, coming individually to be bound in the heavenly glory of matrimony. 

It has been far from an easy decision but I have yet to feel a peace which compares to this. I don’t know where God is leading us, I don’t know why He allows certain situations and circumstances in our lives, but I am convinced that He has purpose in everything. The trails and heartaches that we feel and experience today are so small in comparison to the suffering of Jesus and the later Apostles, these small trials only draw us closer to Him and awaken a deeper understanding of His heart. He takes us out of our comfort zone and forces us to trust Him and rely on Him alone. 

This personally has been one of the most difficult struggles for me because I thrive and have grown up seeking believing that I needed the approval of the world, of my family and friends. The very moment when I am aware of someone disagreeing with something I’m doing or saying I immediately shutdown, question, reevaluate the situation and most often give in to the desires or beliefs of the people I trust and respect.  However I dread most the disapproval of my family; my parents and grandparents the most. Maybe that is part of why God is allowing this and convicting my heart over something that my family very strongly disagrees with. I have been forced to choose what I believe in; choosing Alex and God and things on my heart over what my family desires so much for me. He has asked me to trust Him through this even though I am not sure what He is doing with this situation. It is obvious to me though that He has been in this. Every detail of the wedding, living situation, work and the healing of Alex’s knee has almost effortlessly worked itself out. He has been providing in every area of our lives, bringing people in our lives who love us and support us, encouraging us as we stumbled and struggle through this. 

You know, we may be misunderstanding God’s leading in this, but something else I’ve learned through this is that I cannot be scared to make a mistake anymore. All my life I have been obsessed with meeting perfection in my life style in my heart and walk with Christ. Anyone  who knows me is quiet aware that I am very far from perfection, and if they know me well they will see that side of me that stops at nothing to be perfect. But God is not requiring perfection, He just wants us to surrender everything we are to Him, to die to ourselves and seek after Him in all things. I am going to make mistakes, and I think due to what I’ve been through this last month, I am reaching a point in my life where I have the courage to step outside of my comfort zone and trust God to lead me and not stand still because I am afraid of falling short. I am a human and I’m going to make mistakes, but let me make my mistakes while I believe I’m doing what is right and trust that God will pick me up and dust me off when I fall. 

Some of you, if not most of you, may not agree with Alex’s and my decision to get married without my Fathers blessing, but in any case, we are doing what we believe is right, and if it is wrong then I trust that God will show us someday and we will repent if that becomes the case, but today we are walking forth in faith believing in the power and love of God.  In twelve days we are going to stand before God and give ourselves away to each other and we will go in joy and peace and we will entrust our life to God whatever may await us down the road. He will be there leading us all the way. 

Please pray for us and our families as we all work through this situation. 

Sending love and prayers to all!

Love,

Leah