When A Prayer is All I Can Say

              

               

                  You are good to me, my sweet, sweet, Lord

                  You are good to me, my sweet, sweet, Lord

                 You are good to me, my sweet, sweet Lord

               You are so good to me.

Dear Jesus,

 It is me again.
 I know I've been quiet the last few days. I know that I haven't been coming to you. I know I am struggling to find peace and joy.
I'm hurting.
I'm lost.
I feel tired,
broken,
and scared to face the days yet to come.

While my heart does't always understand why this walk after You has to be so hard, I know in my head that these trials are only for a time and You are trying me with fire to purge me and draw me to You.
Encourage my heart Lord, because right now I don't know if I have the strength to go on.

These last few months have been so long and so hard.
Physically, emotionally and spiritually You try me.

I have tried everything I can think of to help get rid of these seizures, but the pain and immobilizing spasms rake over my body again and again. My body betrays me and leaves me in want for help to get around on my own, care for my own daughter, and manage simple every day functions. People don't understand how much they hurt. I have become a commanding officer to my own flesh.

"MOVE." I shout
"Someone is talking to you, HEAR them."
"You foolish tongue, when I want you to be quiet you speak, but when you need to speak you struggle to form a single word. SPEAK"
"Just one more minute! You can do it! Keep walking! Get your baby somewhere safe!"
"WAKE UP! You cannot sleep now!"

Every fiber in my being aches and throbs.
I am embarrassed at the foolish emotional distress that takes over and confuses my mind.
 I am ashamed at the inability to force myself to move or think clearly at times.

Sometimes I can't talk, or see, or hear.
Sometimes I can't move
Sometimes I can't understand
Sometimes I sound like a child in a fairytale land

These seizures are taking over my life. What if I'm never healed? What if I have to live with this for the rest of my life? I don't know if I can do this.

Jesus, what is more, now I can't even have another baby?
Why?
All my life the only thing I ever wanted was to be a mother to lots of children. I loved being pregnant in spite of the complications. Why did you have to take this away from me? I'm only twenty years old. How can this part of my life already be over?

Then we learn that something is wrong with the one baby we do have.
She is sick.
We don't know what is wrong.
Fevers,
Pain,
and discomfort continue to plage her.
There is nothing we can do to help her except to continue testing and trusting that You are in control.
No matter what.

On top of all of that, Alex continues to get sick and hurt.

And we cannot get on top of our finances.

....
....
....



You are so good to me.

You give me
Peace
Hope
Grace
Mercy,
 and You give me Joy

There is nothing in this world that can take me out of Your hands.

 Pain,
Heartbreak,
Uncertainty,
Physical brokenness,
and Limitations
are all momentary.

There is nothing in this world that means as much to mean as having a living relationship with You. There is nothing in this world I would want in Your stead.

If I have to live the rest of my life with seizures- You are good to me.
If I never have another child- You are good to me.
If I loose my child or she becomes very ill- You are good to me.
If my husband always struggles with health and wellness- You are good to me.
If we will live our days in financial distress- You are good to me.
If we never go where we want to go or do what we want to do- You are good to me.

The truth is, I'd give up everything to know You more.

To see Your face, to behold Your glory through Your heavenly grace, I give my life and dreams.

My life isn't about living for me.
My life is about living for You.

What a sweet relief.

"You are good to me, my sweet, sweet Lord 
You are good to me, my sweet, sweet Lord 
You are good to me, my sweet, sweet Lord
You are so good to me." 

Thank you Jesus

Love,
Leah