Not Even Depression Can Hold Me Down

               I know it has been quiet sometime since I last worked up the courage to write. Depression is not a simple thing to work through, even as a believer in Christ. It is a sickness of the soul that eats away at any joy, hope, or self worth. After awhile everything just fades away and days begin to blend together giving little room for motivation- it is as if your spiritual self is turned over to a horrible disease known to turn you into a living zombi; your heart still beats but your emotional being is sedated leaving you unable to process feelings, thoughts or desires. I have struggled and fought against depression since I was young, but I never contend with it this badly until recently. I know that there are many people in the world who are overcome by the this soul feasting illness. I am not the first and nor will I be the last to grapple against this affliction. As I, many do not have a reason or better put, a known incident or circumstance fueling their devastated spirit. Sometime it is spiritual but often it is medically or chemically infused.

              Because of the depression, I have had such a hard time identifying with all the wonderful things God has done in my life individually, in my husband, and in our family as a whole. He has provided miraculously for us, and we are now officially at the point where we do not need financial help and are no longer dependent on family and friends to help us survive. While I can no longer work due to health, God has provided two good stable jobs for my husband. We have the opportunity to look for our own apartment or house, while trusting that God is going to continue to provide for us. I have had some answers to some of my health complications, and we are on the way to working through the remaining issues. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, and we are so close to becoming parents to our own little girl. We are surrounded by family who love and support us and by friends who encourage and love us in-spite of our always dramatic life.  While we have all of this, we realize that we are not entitled any of it. God has taken us out of mire given us a chance at a new start together with our baby girl on solid ground regardless of the struggles we honestly deserve due to our sin-inclinded hearts.

          (As I threaten death to the flies who continue to bulldoze into my head while I try to write.)

           There have been so many beautiful moments, reflections and memories through the last few months, that I have not been able to fully appreciate. I don't want to miss out on all of the joy that God has overly and abundantly blessed me with. I don't want to look back on precious moments through this pregnancy and fail to see the beauty and love in it. I thank God that through Him we have the power to overcome anything. With the encouragement and faithful love of my husband, and the Spirit of God prodding my heart, He has given me the strength to pray. Through Him I have broken those bonds of sedation, and my prayer life over this last week has completely changed. Though I have had a few bad days God has been slowly helping me work through this zombi like state that I have found myself captive too. In the last three days I have felt more joy, hope and life than I have experienced in quiet some time.

           I say all of this to encourage other women, men, or families who may be struggling against depression. You are not alone. There has been very little in my life these few months that should cause any amount of anxiety or depression, and yet I have struggle more than I ever have before. No matter what we are going through or the reason for those struggles, God is always there. I am so thankful He doesn't give up on me, and that my husband doesn't give up either. (God has blessed Alex with incredible amounts of patience and wisdom as I battled my emotions.)

           Everyday is a journey, where new trials and untold joy await. A day at a time we can get through anything as long as our hearts continue to seek out the Lord in everything.


I'll write again within a day or two highlighting some of the amazing things God has done in our life, through this pregnancy and what we look forward too over the next few months. Thank you again and again to everyone who has been praying, and encouraging me and my family. Please don't stop praying as God only just begun helping me work through this!

Much love and blessings to all,

Love,
Leah