There is nothing quiet like a sleeping toddler and the warm sun on my face while I pray for strength and wisdom for the day. I am beginning to realize that these days and moments grow short as we approach the day when my arms will be filled with the joy of another baby. These spring and early summer days may be some of the last moments I have to bask so freely in the thoughts of my own heart. So I am taking the time and making a point to find as many moments like this that I can before my life invites more noise and love to fill my time and thoughts. I'm treasuring these mornings of prayer, and quiet time with the Lord.
I know and God knows that I need it.
This mothering and wife thing is much more difficult than I thought it would be. I think there was a part of me that assumed it would just come naturally to me. After all, I was the oldest of seven kids, I nannied many families through the first several years and I grew up with my husband. I thought I would be equipped and prepared to take on this new life style. I thought I was grown up enough and experienced enough to have the answers.
The reality is that I've never felt so unprepared and ill equipped. I've never felt such a burden and need to pray, to seek the Lords direction in so many things, both little and big. I don't have all the answers and I'm no where near having it all figured out. My daughter baffles me day by day and I'm learning that marriage is so much harder than I thought it could be (especially for us, considering all we went through leading up to our marriage and the struggles we faced the first few years).
God is showing me and teaching me how to be a proverbs 31 wife, mother and woman in a whole new light. I assumed that this woman had it all together on her own, but apart from Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit, can any woman honestly expect the perfection this woman portrays to come naturally and easily? I think I did. Subconsciously.
But why would I need God if I had it all together?
I'm learning to cling to Him, seek Him, and admit to myself that I don't have it all together. My days with my daughter are so much brighter and more enjoyable when I am willing to lean on God and not try to pretend that I have it all together. My marriage is deeper and more intimate the more I humbly admit that I don't know how to love my husband like Christ and in turn pray for God to show and teach me.
My frustrations and disappointments in myself are slowly changing and becoming prayers instead. I am expecting less perfection of myself and more of God in my life. Instead of studying the proverbs 31 woman inside and out, I'm praying more often that God would create in me a woman after His own heart.
My mornings in my car, in the stillness of Christ are the most productive moments of my day. It is in the quiet that my heart comes in earnest before God and He fills my heart with gentle reminders and the tools I need to get through the day.
Even though these mornings won't last forever, I know that as my home grows and my heart fills with love, I will need to find time to drawn near to God in quiet, stillness so I can continue to grow in Him and fight against the urges to do it all on my own.
Where are your quiet moments? When does God comfort and speak to you the most?
With an Earnest Love,
Leah
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