An Open Letter to My Husband

My Beloved

I choose you. You need to know that I chose you 7 (almost eight) years ago and I’m still choosing you today. I see your strength and devotion when you rise morning after morning in the early hours of the dawn. I see the weariness and stress that engulf you when you don’t think I’m looking. I know the hours of work you spend pouring yourself into work, school, parenting, our marriage, and all the lives of those God puts into your path day after day. I have watched you struggle to provide for us, never giving up, never giving into the pressures around you. I have watched you humble yourself over and over to do what you thought was best for us. I see you.

I want you to know that while I’m at home with our children, with your girls, I see you. As diapers need changing and the toddler is screaming because food got on her finger, I see you. When I’m up nursing at night and you have finally crawled to bed with bloodshot eyes, I see you. When I have grocery shopping, therapy, laundry, and a house to clean with two little ones in tow, I see you. When I’m lonely and struggling to hold it together, I see you. Everything that we have made together has been through God’s grace and your steadfast devotion. You are the reason I love being a mamma. Your sacrifices for our small, but growing world are what holds us together.

Our marriage hasn’t been perfect and parenthood has been a whole new ball game to boot. Boy, we sure didn’t know what we were getting into. The biggest thing God has taught me through it all, is that no matter what is going on in our crazy chaotic life, I will always have a choice. I can choose to find joy in the midst of stress and sadness, I can choose to pursue peace in the midst of chaos, I can choose to forgive instead of opening my heart to bitterness, and I can choose you. I do choose you. I chose you 7 years ago, to love, to stand by, to serve, and I still choose you today.

I know it hasn’t been easy. Motherhood has drained me, and more often than naught, my devotion has been carelessly poured into our kids, and all of the other little things in our lives, leaving leftover bits and pieces for you. Despite all of that, you still stood tall, without complaint, carried the weight of our little life. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve sacrificed you for our children, for my hobbies, and for my troubles. I’m sorry that I had stopped choosing you for a time.

You are the love of my life. Through the up’s and down’s, I will choose to see you, to adore, serve, and pray for you, before I complain or criticize you.  I will choose to pursue you instead of shutting you out when things become difficult. I will choose you before pushing you aside for the demands of others. I am first your wife and second a mother. I’m learning that it is all too easy for the places to swap when life happens, the babies cry, and the needs of the world knock on our door.

I just want you to know that as my husband and my best friend, I choose you over my phone, my TV shows, my books, and my hobbies. I also choose you over our children, over our home, and over our friends. And no matter what the future holds, I promise to choose you, in the midst of the fire and floods.

                                                                                                Because I love you.

                       

A Year of Miracles

This year has been a year of miracles. Big miracles and little miracles. My faith has been tried, tested, and blown away by the faithfulness and grace of God. He has taught me that He cares about the little things and big things, most importantly that He cares about the condition and the longings of my heart. This time last year, I didn't know that I was pregnant with a miracle baby. I didn't know that I would be so sick the doctors would say I needed a miracle if I was going to survive. I didn't know that in the midst of all of that, my family would struggle financially, or that my daughter would face unexpected challenges developmentally. I didn't know that my husband was going to end up working full time and doing school full-time in addition. I didn't know that my faith was going to be tested in ways I couldn't have imagined. That was the year that followed despite my wildest dreams. 

While this year has not been easy, (not that any year in my life ever has been) it has been filled with joyful moments, peace, and the grace of God. My miracle baby is an overflow of joy in the midst of health issues, my Charlie girl is discovering the world around her continuously and I have the blessed joy of staying home with her watching her grow and teaching her.  My husband and I grow closer and more intimately interwound in each other's hearts and lives; becoming more and more as one through Christ and less like two trying to fit into each other's worlds. 

God has filled our lives with deep friendships, a church family, and visions for our future. We have experienced love on a whole new spectrum and thrived through relationships we didn't know where possible. My babies Godmother moved back home this year and has blessed us and our family so much with her devotion and servants heart, I've made friends with new mom's, young families at church and people from my past. God has also brought biblical mentors into my life which is something I've longed for through the past years. This year was hard but God didn't let me face it alone. He surrounded my family and my heart with people who would be an outpouring of the love of Christ.  

Spiritually, finding peace in the midst of the chaos of this past year was easily the most challenging part of the year. I love how Adam Houge phrased it in his book 'With Jesus in the Quietness', "To portray a peaceful heart in the midst of distress is an expression of profound faith."  This is everything I strive for in my day to day living. Only through the Holy Spirit and complete surrender is it possible. Through every distress to have faith in the power and sovereignty of God there is room for peace. I am far from mastering faith, but my faith is constantly growing and strengthening in God. 

This next year my prayer is that my faith will increase and that peace would fill my days regardless of what I may face in the coming weeks and months. It is also for you, that God would increase your faith and that you would experience His outpouring of love, grace, and mercy in your life whatever may await you in the coming days.

  

   

Mamma, Wife, and Disciple of Christ

I was on my second cup of coffee and my head was swimming with my to-do-list.  It was nine at night, and the baby had just settled and was sleeping peacefully at my feet in her rocking bassinet. I was cramming in a last minute study session before bed; rather, attempting to. I found myself wondering if I was crazy for thinking that I could go back to school right after having a baby, in addition to filling my roles as a wife, mamma of two under two, homemaker, friend and disciple of Christ. Would my other responsibilities suffer as I took on the new status of a part-time college student?

I have experience exhaustion on a level I didn't imagine possible over these past three weeks, but despite the chaos and business that my life has suddenly consumed, I have felt more grounded and fulfilled than I have in a very long time. I wondered if I could do this; all of the roles God has put on my heart to engage and fulfill. Would I be effective in my roles, or end up just getting by or making it through? I didn't want to feel like I was just surviving, and I didn't want my husband, kids, friends or God just to get the leftovers of my time and attention. I am exhausted at the end and sometimes the beginning of each day, but I am also filled with excitement for each plan I have for the week. I went from going through each day with my daughter and husband feeling bored and empty. I wasn't having an impact on my family and friends or for Christ. I was just going through the motions every day.

Looking back, I think my daughter and husband got less of me when I had nothing going on, then they do today even with everything we have going on. Our days are filled with meaningful and intentional plans and to-do. It is contagious; the sensation of doing something for which I am so passionate; my devotion to my husband and kids is unhindered. I am restless with a desire to serve God where I can, reaching out and putting myself out there to minister and be ministered to by the body of Christ. I am driven to educate and equip myself to care for the orphans, foster children, and individuals that desperately need help and love. I am anxious to share my testimony with my followers and reach women and marriages with hope and truth. I am currently being given opportunities to do all of this and instead of being overwhelmed and discouraged, I am more focused and excited about my life than I ever have been. 

As mamma's, particularly stay-at-home mom's, I think there is a tendency to feel stuck and lonely, or to feel like your not doing much with your life. Not to say that raising children is not doing much because believe me this is probably one of the most demanding and rewarding jobs we will ever do. But, some days being home with the kids and just kids is lonely, frustrating, and challenging. I'm finding that it is important to remember that God gives us passions for a reason and more than that when He gives us opportunities He will also supply us with the means to do it. 

While being a mamma is one of my favorite things, I also have other things I enjoy doing. One of those things being serving others when I have the opportunity. I want my girls to grow up watching and learning from me, and I want them to see the heart of Christ living through me and the way I spend my days and time. I may be giving all my time and energy to things God has given me, but instead of feeling run down and worn out, I am running on an invisible endless flow of energy. 

My advice today is to find a way to get out and get active and involved with others and in things you feel strongly about. When you have opportunity fill your time with the things that excite you and draw you closer to Christ and those you love. When we are doing something we love it gives us purpose and a drive that propels us through time leaving a fingerprint on the lives around us. 

Evelyn Eira Sue

     It's been five weeks since we met our little miracle for the first time. Five weeks ago, scared to death of a major surgery, anticipating complications, we were getting into our car at four thirty in the morning. It was then that I realized that our whole life was about to change and that we were finally about to meet this precious baby God had put in my womb and so tenderly cared for.

       The pain from the pregnancy had become so severe that I hadn't been sleeping or eating, and barely functioning over the last three weeks. I longed for each night and when it came would fall into bed so exhausted and desperate for sleep and relief from the agonizing contractions and searing internal pain, I would beg God to break my waters, or to make it obvious to me that the big moment had come. I spent the last three weeks in tears, with prayers on my lips and desperation in my heart. Every morning I'd get up wondering if I would make it through the day, wondering if I could take one more step, lift one more basket, or make one more lunch.


       On the morning of September 10th, I walked out our front door, scared but so ready to have this baby. I was ready to meet this child that I never dreamed I'd be able to love and call my own. We walked into the hospital and from the first moment I knew it was going to be a good day. The nurses were so kind and gentle with me; they were attentive and reassuring at every moment as I was prepped for the operation. Everything went so smoothly, from the IV to the labs and everything else under the sun.

       I had been praying that my doctor would be open to trying a gentle cesarean; a c-section where the baby is immediately placed on the mother's chest after birth encouraged to nurse and bonding through the skin on skin. I knew that there was a chance they would be able to prevent me from going into shock following the procedure if I could feel the baby on my chest. I wanted that experience more than I could put into words. When I asked the nurse, she was honest with me. They had never done a gentle c-section before, they weren't set up to be able to do it, they didn't have space. She did offer to bring the baby and hold her to my face right after birth until I was stitched up. I was grateful just for that.

       As they were rolling me into the OR, my doctor met me and told me she was going to have the nurses move some things to make a true gentle c-section possible. I cried. It was more than I had hoped. It ended up being a more peaceful and beautiful birth I had dared imagine. Again, God took a situation where the odds were against me and made something beautiful out of it. At 8:12 am, weighing 7lbs and 6 ounces, 21 inches long, Evelyn Eira Sue Jaffrey was carefully placed on my chest; Alex and I were holding our miracle for the very first time.

         Every moment of the fears and pain I faced through the pregnancy melted away like packed ice in early spring when everything begins to come to life. We spent the next three days in the hospital with our new daughter savoring the moments of newness and the reality of the blessing we were physically holding, kissing and cherishing. She was the baby the world told us we would never hold, now sleeping peacefully in my arms. She is the kind of miracle that shouts the power of my God.

        The following five weeks have only intensified the testimony of what God has done with this babies life and my life. The doctors were expecting healing to be a long rocky road and virtually filled with potholes due to some other health conditions I have. To everyone's surprise, especially my own, two weeks post surgery I was up and walking without medication and five weeks later fully back to myself.