A New Home!

Our family room

          We finally did it! We are in our own home, mostly unpacked and ready to bring home our little girl! There are no words to express the relief and joy of having a place to call home again. Though we are beyond thankful and blessed to have family to lean on through the last few months, we are so happy to go to bed in our own room, with the silent wonderment at the stillness of our new dwelling. We know that this is just the beginning to a new journey, with new struggles and trials, but for today we rest in peace and with hope in God for whatever awaits us down the road.

We have beautiful big windows and sky lights that let in light

           Charlie Ann is still snuggled up inside my womb growing stronger with everyday. According to my doctor we are now out of the water, and if she were born today she would have half the fight to grow and mature those little lungs! He thinks I have a good chance of going full term at this point. Though we never know the timing and plans of God. My family is coming for three weeks hoping to be here for the birth. I hope they don't have to  go home disappointed, but I cannot deny that I trust God with the timing of all of this!

Our couch has long been missed! Many naps await in the future.

        I am so excited to see all of my siblings and my parents again. I miss being involved in their lives, and being close enough to stop by. Here we were prepared to spend this holiday season without the blessing of sharing it with them, and now God has opened a door and graciously blessed us with an opportunity to share more than just a weekend together. I am so overwhelmed by all that God is doing in our lives. I know that these next few months will be far from easy, especially for my hard working husband, but I look forward to watching God continue to provide for us and blow us away with His gracious, merciful love!


Here are some pictures of our new home! I can't wait to bring Charlie Ann home. I finally feel like we have an appropriate place to bring her home too!

Charlotte's changing table/dresser. 

Rocking chair for Charlotte! 

A window seat with a gorgeous view! 

Beautiful dinning room! 

A kitchen of my own again! 

There are so many wonderful nooks and crannies.

My own laundry room! 

Charlie's little bed! 

Ready with essentials for midnight feedings.

Our own bed again! With two big windows to look at the stars! 

               We are in love with our new home. There is more space than we know what to do with! Our landlord is a believer himself and has been more than accommodating to us. God has blessed us above and beyond anything we could have expected, we can only hope we can use this blessing to bless other in our lives now. 

             So now we just wait and pray for the day we can bring our baby home, and begin this next part of our journey together. 

Much love to all,

Leah

How Time Flies

            Only 10 more weeks until Charlottes due date!! Every day we get closer and closer to her impending delivery, and every day she is a little healthier and more stable should she indeed come early! As Alex and I prepare to move into our new little home in the next few weeks, we are beyond thankful with how God has protected us and provided for us! He really does have the perfect timing for everything. As much as we worry about our finances and the little things in life we cannot control we are blessed over and over again watching God open doors, and provide exactly what we need when we need it. I am so glad that we are not reliant upon ourselves.

             It is difficult for us to comprehend the fact that we are already approaching the beginning of November. It has been a long summer in many ways, but at the same time the days have flown by. At the beginning of this summer we weren't sure how things were going to work out with Alex's job, my health, our housing. We were certainly ill prepared for the complications we have had through the pregnancy, and the majority of unexpected expenses, or what doors God would open for us in Maine. We struggled spiritually, and emotionally but through it all God has blessed us above and beyond what we ever expected. We are growing everyday, though more than naughts it feels like we are back-sliding  down a muddy incline, only to wake up one day and suddenly see the sunrise over the mountain top. One of our greatest struggles this whole past year has been trying to figure out what God wants us to pursue and where He is leading us. We still don't have a clue, but we are realizing that we don't have to have it all put together and perfectly planned. All we can do today is give our best, work hard, pray for guidance and trust that God's plans are beyond our understanding.

           Since we learned that we were expecting our little girl, our perspective on life has completely changed. Part of us felt like we had to have everything put together, perfectly planned, all the wiser, organized, and matured by lengths we have yet to know. In so much, the first several months preparing for our baby we felt so hopeless; that our baby girl wouldn't have the parents we thought she deserved, that we would never measure up. We were already prepared to surrender as failures. Since then however, God has been teaching us and preparing us through the wisdom of friends and family and we are slowly accepting the fact that it is okay to be unprepared, naive and students of godly perspective. I assume that first time parents often feel that they have to 'perfect parenting' right from the get-go. We felt like we had to have all the answers, the perfect career plan, and the perfect home for our little girl.

         We will never have all the answers, and we will always have new things to learn, and we will inevitably fall short again and again. All we can do is give our very best, pray, pray, pray and pray!!! We are so excited to learn and grow and we are blessed to be able to walk through it together. Within the next few months our lives are going to pivot and completely change as we go from newly weds, to inexperienced parents! We finally feel ready. We are so ready to hold our baby girl and get in the grove of parenthood!

Love,
Leah

One Day at a Time

          I go to bed with a whisper on my lips, holding the precious life within my ever swollen belly, thanking God for one more day where she would be safe in my womb and praying for another night to rest in the peaceful bliss of pregnancy. In these last few weeks the true beauty of pregnancy has resonated deep in my heart. So often in the midst of restless nights, frequent trips to the bathroom and the moments when I am convinced I cannot keep my lunch down a moment longer, it is easy to loose sight of the precious miracle growing inside of me. The beauty of love does not lie in the self gain of a friend, lover or child; the things or benefits you gain out of that relationship. The true beauty of a love story is nothing less than the sacrifices and selfless demonstration of giving ourselves for the sake of our loved one without a thought or hope of receiving anything in return.

        Nothing is more lovely than watching a mother suffer joyfully for her unborn babe. The glow of pregnancy is simply a myth. People say it to make the barfing, swollen, sweating, man portion eating, and fainting woman and a half feel better. A true glow comes from the things we willingly sacrifice for the sake of the life within us. Realizing that I would go through anything in the world to see my daughter come into this world safely, has helped me understand the kind of selfless love that God had for us when He sent Jesus and watched Him die a horrific death and pay the penalty of our sins for our sakes. I don't love the pain and discomfort that has come with this pregnancy, but I do love that everyday I have the opportunity to sacrifice myself for my daughter. I would rather endure painful contractions, and horrible procedures on a regular biases for the sake of ensuring a healthier life for my little girl than to watch her struggle to grow and thrive. 

        These last few weeks have been long and stressful, but full of life and beauty as well. Our beautiful daughter is still snuggled safe inside me and doing so well! We have had the opportunity to see her in multiple ultra-sounds and got some incredible pictures of her little face! We also learned that she has a full head of hair already! I am doing okay for right now, though I am being watched very closely by my doctors. As of today things are looking well, and we pray for another day! God certainly has a plan of His own regardless of what we believe could happen in the next several weeks. What ever may come of this situation we do trust that He has a hand over us and is holding our baby in His safe embrace.

       My husband and I have been so incredibly blessed by the encouragement and prayers we have received through the last few weeks! It is no doubt that God uses the words and prayers of His disciples to move in the lives of others! God has been using each and everyone of you to help Alex and I through this, we cannot thank you enough.


Love,
Leah
     

Praying For A Safe Arrival

              I had my prenatal check up today, along with a precautionary ultrasound. Unfortunately, things are not going as smoothly as we have hoped they would. Charlie Ann is a very healthy active baby girl, weighing and measuring in the 49 percentile (a perfect little baby, but not too small) with a fabulous heart rate! However that being said my doctors have discovered symptoms that seem to threaten a preterm labor and delivery. We already knew that I was at risk for delivering early, however I never had any symptoms or signs confirming that I was threatening an early delivery. While we are very relieved to see such a healthy baby, we are very concerned about delivering too early. At this point in the pregnancy the chances of her surviving are above the 90 percentile, but that does not mean that she won't be facing a battle to thrive. Born too early, her lungs wouldn't be fully developed and she could have health problems that effect her through her lifetime. That being said, we know that nothing is impossible with God, and so we are asking that our friends and family pray for Charlie Ann. We are working with some great doctors, and we know that we are getting the best health care that we can get through this journey, so we need to leave the rest of it with God. We should know some more details next week when we go in for another ultra sound.

                 For now I am on partial bed rest again. I can walk to use the bathroom and get myself food, but I am not allowed to walk more than I need too. I am praying that God gives Alex and I the peace of mind and heart that we need to walk through these next several weeks. We are moving in a few weeks but with the complications we are having we are concerned about leaving me alone as much as I would be with Alex's work schedule. In any case, God has provided everything we have needed so far so we are going to try to trust that He is going to continue to provide! We are so thankful that we are surrounded by family who are willing to help us.

                Thank you all so much! We love you guys and hope we won't be sharing the news of Charlottes arrival too soon!


Love,
Leah

Highlights

       

We are now 27 weeks pregnant with our beautiful little girl! Next week we are going in for possibly our last ultrasound before she arrives. It is hard to believe it has already been almost 10 weeks since our last ultrasound when we learned we were having a little girl- a moment that will not soon be forggotten. Realizing that we were actually going to be parents to a little human was not an emotion that can easily be described with words. Discovering that we were going to be parenting a little girl took that reality to a whole new level. As I started dreaming of hair bows, frills, and tutus, Alex began planning his strategy for dealing with potential dates and boys of interested as she gets older. 

                       Charlotte at 18 weeks                              Our Gender Reveal picture at 18 Weeks

         

              This past summer has been filled with first time experiences for me such as my first trip to a Six Flag's park with Alex's family (Not that I could ride anything, but the adventure was fun non-the-less), and going on a Whale Watch out at sea. One of the most unusual but invigorating experiences of the summer was the 10 days we had a Japanese exchange student stay with us. We learned so much about Japan and his culture, and thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him and being a part of exposing him to some fun American experiences. We also enjoyed the summer in Bar Harbor, exploring the scenic beaches and ocean outlooks, to walking the crazy tourist ridden sidewalks of the downtown strip.

        Alex worked (and continues too) work very hard, long weeks! But he seems to enjoy working with the people of Bar Harbor for the most part, and gives a great tour of the town on the carriage rides. I ended up being given permission by my doctor to work, and I was instantly hired as a babysitter by an incredible family with two beautiful children who ran a bed and breakfast in town. The Ivy Manor Inn is one of the most beautiful Inns I have ever seen, and the owner equally passionate and caring hosts. After a few days, I ended up taking a second position as a hostess in their restaurant as well. I was blessed with an incredible family who bent over backwards and tailored the positions I worked to meet my physical struggles. I have never met any family so gracious and forgiving! It was a blessing to be working at the time that I was, for not a few days afterwards, Alex was out of work for a knee injury. With the extra income we just made it through the month! God always provides, as He proves again and again to us.

    In September I was given the opportunity to go down to New York for a baby shower and to visit with friends and family! My Aunts came up from Pennsylvania with my little cousins, whom I hadn't had the opportunity of seeing for well over a year. My talented Aunt Jenny made a beautiful cake for my baby shower! It was one of the most stunning cakes I have ever seen! The baby shower had a huge turnout. I was so overwhelmed by all of the love and celebrating of this beautiful new life growing inside of me. I know there were still several who weren't able to make it to the shower, but I have never been so assured by the friendships God has blessed me with over the years! I can't wait for our daughter to grow up meeting and having relationships with all of these incredible people! 

Alex and I were truly blessed by all of the gifts and we can't wait to share pictures of our little one using each and everything that was given to her with so much love and well wishes! I wish I had more pictures from the shower, but unfortunately I don't at this time! But see how gorgeous this cake was!! 

I had so much fun spending time with my Mom and Dad and my 6 incredibly fun siblings. I got to go shopping with my sister, and my mom. I got to spend time catching up with the little ones! And I got to celebrate my littlest sisters 10th birthday and my brothers 17th birthday while I was there! I also got to spend several days visiting with some of my best friends! I also had the first sleep over I have had in many, many years! Funny to think that in just a few months I'll be a mother and delegating sleep overs for our little girl as she gets older.

            As much as I loved seeing all my friends and going home for a long weeks, it was the first time I've been away from Alex since we've been married. Pregnancy does a lot to a woman, and having a husband to share all the worries, aches and pains, and nightmares with is a small comfort to a hormone raging individual. Needless to say, I missed him more than I thought possible. We are both fairly certain that neither of us will be up to another long week away from each other like that for a long while. On the bright side, I've never been more excited to see him by the time we were finally together again! I am pretty sure we slept holding hands that night. :)

           On the topic of strange things pregnancy does to a woman, one of the most embarrassing experiences I have had so far has been the occasional incident of wetting my pants. Over the last week I've had far more little accidents than I ever thought possible for a grown woman. That is one symptom I did not expect from this pregnancy! I haven't had as many cravings as I thought I would. My biggest cravings have been Maple smoked bacon, Lasagna, Locally made Maple Popcorn and cinnamon donuts. I am also not as hungry as I thought I would be. More often than naught, unless food is brought up I forget to eat. My dreams have definitely taken a turn for the worst. Vivid doesn't even come close to describing the intesity of my dreams. Pregnancy can be the only possible explanation.

       Over-all the pregnancy itself has been so easy! I love being pregnant, I love watching my belly grow. I love the fact that Charlotte flips and summersaults as soon as she hears her daddies voice. I love the fact that I can't sleep through a night because she dances her best in the stillness of early morning. I love that I never had morning sickness, and my acid reflux has gotten so much better instead of worse like we anticipated. I have only had more and more energy so far. (I know this won't last, but I'll take it while I can.) I can't wait to hold her in my arms when she arrives!

      On another note, while the pregnancy itself has been easy on me, it has triggered other problems that I have had in the past. I have had multiple seizure like episodes, which have become worse and more frequent as the pregnancy has progressed. Unfortunately, I am no longer able to work, drive, or commit to anything due to the irregularity and severity of these episodes. We are in the process of working with a specialist to diagnose and treat my case, and we pray that this problem is resolved and treated quickly. There are many things that could potential be effected by these episodes, but we are trusting God with it, and we know that He will take care of Charlie Ann and I.

      Not being able to work or do much outside of the house, has left me much time to read, write, and craft! My first big project was to make a rag quilt for Charlotte's nursery. I love how easy and fun it was and I can't wait to wrap her up in it! I am continuing to try to keep myself busy, combatting my depression and loneliness. So far I have been blessed with an uplifting week!

     

     Two of our biggest concerns coming into this winter has been finding a place to stay, and Alex being able to bring enough income into take care of us while I'm unable to work. God has gone so far above and beyond to provide for us, and we are learning that we just have to move forward trusting that He will provide and expect to be amazed again and again. Monday evening we met with a sweet gentleman with a SantaClause beard about renting a house he built many years ago that has been sitting empty.  When we met with him and asked about a security deposit (which has been our greatest struggle financially) he so graciously told us we didn't need to put down a security deposit because he trusted us. The house is set back in the woods, with a Maine coast charm. Inside exposed wood floors and beams brought back memories of the log cabins in Colorado that Alex has been so familiar with while growing up. The one bed room home is so much larger than we expected and has all of the amenities we need, including a washer and dryer! The only downfall and concern we have is dealing with the expense of heat. The rent is the most inexpensive we have found for what we are getting, and we are trusting that God is going to provide just what we need to get through this winter! We can't wait to move in to our new home within the next month!

                 Alex has also been given a second job that will become full-time with over-time the day after his position ends on the farm. We have just been blown away again and again as we watch God provide and answer our prayers! We know that as we approach the day when our baby comes into this world that our life is going to change dramatically, but neither one of us can wait to see where God is going to continue leading us as a family. We never thought we would be where we are today, so we anxiously look forward to seeing where God is leading us now.


We thank you all for your prayers and support! We miss all of our dear friends and family from New York and we look forward to sharing the joy that God is bringing into our lives!

Love to all,
Leah

Not Even Depression Can Hold Me Down

               I know it has been quiet sometime since I last worked up the courage to write. Depression is not a simple thing to work through, even as a believer in Christ. It is a sickness of the soul that eats away at any joy, hope, or self worth. After awhile everything just fades away and days begin to blend together giving little room for motivation- it is as if your spiritual self is turned over to a horrible disease known to turn you into a living zombi; your heart still beats but your emotional being is sedated leaving you unable to process feelings, thoughts or desires. I have struggled and fought against depression since I was young, but I never contend with it this badly until recently. I know that there are many people in the world who are overcome by the this soul feasting illness. I am not the first and nor will I be the last to grapple against this affliction. As I, many do not have a reason or better put, a known incident or circumstance fueling their devastated spirit. Sometime it is spiritual but often it is medically or chemically infused.

              Because of the depression, I have had such a hard time identifying with all the wonderful things God has done in my life individually, in my husband, and in our family as a whole. He has provided miraculously for us, and we are now officially at the point where we do not need financial help and are no longer dependent on family and friends to help us survive. While I can no longer work due to health, God has provided two good stable jobs for my husband. We have the opportunity to look for our own apartment or house, while trusting that God is going to continue to provide for us. I have had some answers to some of my health complications, and we are on the way to working through the remaining issues. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, and we are so close to becoming parents to our own little girl. We are surrounded by family who love and support us and by friends who encourage and love us in-spite of our always dramatic life.  While we have all of this, we realize that we are not entitled any of it. God has taken us out of mire given us a chance at a new start together with our baby girl on solid ground regardless of the struggles we honestly deserve due to our sin-inclinded hearts.

          (As I threaten death to the flies who continue to bulldoze into my head while I try to write.)

           There have been so many beautiful moments, reflections and memories through the last few months, that I have not been able to fully appreciate. I don't want to miss out on all of the joy that God has overly and abundantly blessed me with. I don't want to look back on precious moments through this pregnancy and fail to see the beauty and love in it. I thank God that through Him we have the power to overcome anything. With the encouragement and faithful love of my husband, and the Spirit of God prodding my heart, He has given me the strength to pray. Through Him I have broken those bonds of sedation, and my prayer life over this last week has completely changed. Though I have had a few bad days God has been slowly helping me work through this zombi like state that I have found myself captive too. In the last three days I have felt more joy, hope and life than I have experienced in quiet some time.

           I say all of this to encourage other women, men, or families who may be struggling against depression. You are not alone. There has been very little in my life these few months that should cause any amount of anxiety or depression, and yet I have struggle more than I ever have before. No matter what we are going through or the reason for those struggles, God is always there. I am so thankful He doesn't give up on me, and that my husband doesn't give up either. (God has blessed Alex with incredible amounts of patience and wisdom as I battled my emotions.)

           Everyday is a journey, where new trials and untold joy await. A day at a time we can get through anything as long as our hearts continue to seek out the Lord in everything.


I'll write again within a day or two highlighting some of the amazing things God has done in our life, through this pregnancy and what we look forward too over the next few months. Thank you again and again to everyone who has been praying, and encouraging me and my family. Please don't stop praying as God only just begun helping me work through this!

Much love and blessings to all,

Love,
Leah

Restlessly Resting

                    Seasons are moments in time which come and go with change and a cycle of life; giving time for growth and rest in the midst of the revolving world. For as long as I can remember I have kept myself busy. I was the nurturer, self-motivated dreamer, and go-getter of the family. I spent my days from childhood to adulthood caring for my family, dedicating my time and energy to school, and to my work; knew what I wanted and I worked and gave everything I had until I reached that goal. I don't think there has ever been a true season in my life for rest, save unless I was to find a lack in my memory. At sixteen I graduated and immediately started working full-time, applying myself to learning more of scripture and pursuing my passion of working with children. I have always been happiest while busy and actively involved in peoples lives. Since the beginning of June I have walked into an entirely foreign season of my life.

                    I have spent the past several months painfully resting from the full and expectant days I so enjoyed. As nanny my daily objectives were to serve that family in every way I could. I cooked, cleaned, and cared tenderly for the children I fell so in love with. As a wife I served my husband in any way I could, cooking, cleaning and managing our small home. As a believer and servant of Christ I spent my time and energy seeking for ways serve the church and the people He placed in my life. Everything I loved revolved around what I could give and do to serve and love. It was my expression of love, my wordless exclamation of my devotion to Christ. When the time came that I could no longer work for the sake of the growing baby in my womb, it felt like someone thrust me into a dark prison cell, without food or water, lightless and forsaken. I was being banned from expressing my love and joy to the world in the only form I had ever learned to appreciate.

                   I had unconsciously depended on serving and giving myself (whether by time, energy, money, or gifts) as a way of earning God's love. No sooner then when I had suddenly been thrust into a situation where I was forced to sit back and let other people help me, did I realize the hole I had fallen into through the years. Moving to Maine only reiterated the conviction I refused to admit. I found myself completely dependent on other people, and with the exception of Alex's family we really knew no one. I spent the first few weeks depressed and anxiously trying to find someway to 'feel useful'. I felt worthless; that I had no purpose in life any more. I struggled deeply with the notion that God hated me and that essentially He wouldn't wouldn't want me and no one else would. I realize today how entirely ludicrous my concerns were, but in the moment the concept was no less devastating.

                 Over the last few weeks I ended up in the Emergency room again several times with various health issues. Dealing with infections and illnesses that continue to reoccur creating more problems with the pregnancy preventing more and more my ability to pursue work and limiting my independence. In addtion to all the questions that were already running through my head and the insecurities I felt in my relationship with Christ, I continue to run into questions with my health, not knowing or understand why I am having the problems I am having or if there is something more serious going on underneath the surface. Questions of the babies health constantly nag at my heart, sincerely hoping that my health problems wont effect this unborn child in my womb.

                 All in all, I have realized that my understand of God's grace and His love have been completely misconstructed. With all of the change and my uncertainties I had fallen into a thought process that revealed my error. I would realized that I had ever subconsciously thought I had to earn God's love and the love of the people in my life. In that I found myself not assured of His love and promises for me and my family. In the midst of this dark moment in my life, a little light flickered and with the loving guidance of my husband and the Lord my eyes were opened to see where I had fallen.

                It doesn't matter what I do today or rather what I cannot do today, the fact that I have such a difficult time embracing is that there nothing I can do to earn the love, mercy and faithful grace of Christ needs to change. My relationship with Christ or with people cannot be dependent on what I can do and give to it, rather when seasons of rest come and I am put in a position where I am unable to give I need to learn to sit back, breathe and simply enjoy the relationships I am living in and allow God to give to me and my soul. Resting has never easy for me, for guilt is always wrapped around me, but from today onward, I am make a statement; I recognize where I am struggling and where I need to be and I making an effort to move there. With prayer and the patient guidance of my family (specifically Alex) I know God will help me get there. So for today I rest in the knowledge that God knows where my heart is and that He is going to walk each day with me.

              *As a note I do have several doctors appointments coming up to figure out what is going on with my health. Please keep the baby and myself in your prayers as we work through this, and for patience and peace for my husband as he worries and works hard to take care of us. Depression is really difficult thing to work through and I am not very good at communicating with my friends and family about where I am honestly. Please pray for me. This not something changes overnight, I need people to help hold me accountable and to encourage me.

I think of everyone often, sending you each my love and prayers!

With love,
Leah

Here We are Again...

             Anyone who has been following this blog knows that things have yet to work out as we plan. I don't think there has been a single plan we have worked towards that did not in some way entirely fall through. I know it has been several months since I have last written and shared where God was leading and what God was teaching Alex and I. Honestly I have just been far too overwhelmed to know where to start or to acknowledge what God has been doing. It has been a very crazy last several months with many changes, plans, and complications. Many of you know most of what Alex and I have been facing over the last few months, but for those who may not I will try with little words to briefly catch you up on our slightly bizarre life.

              I do not quiet remember where I left off last, other than sharing that we had moved out of the live-in home where I had been nannying. We had moved into my parents home, where they graciously welcomed us and gave us a place to stay while we got back on our feet. Our goal was for me to find a new job and to save up enough for a security deposit for a new apartment, however after a few weeks it became apparent to both of us that our aspirations would not be easily attained. We discovered that we were going to have a baby a week before we left my job. We did not share our news with many people due to the fact that we had miscarried twice before. Holding our breathe we waded through the next few weeks hoping that we wouldn't run into complications. We had a couple scares early on, but after seeing my doctor early on and having our first ultrasound where we saw our little babies heartbeat for the first time, we breathed a sigh of relief. At the time we had a healthy developing fetus and I was doing okay. The first major problem that we encountered in attempt to achieve our goal was the fact that I seemed entirely unable to get a job. Being pregnant made it difficult to find any family who was willing to work with me as a nanny. I even began seriously looking and pursuing jobs outside of nannying and childcare. But not one company even graced me with an opportunity to interview.


         After a long month of waiting for call backs and searching anxiously for a job, I finally got a call from a father looking for some help with his two sons. I had a start date within the week, however due to unfortunate circumstances for the family the dates continued to be pushed back further and further and it began to look as though I may not have job after all. The weekend I was first supposed to start I had our first major baby scare. I was put of bed rest for several days whereafter things started looking better for our baby and I. I began walking around a little bit again and attempting to get moving hoping that everything would continue well for the baby and slowly but surely I started feeling more like myself. Alex and I really began to worry about the possibility of me being put on bed rest for a decent part of the pregnancy, and became concerned with how we would make it if I couldn't work so we began praying over it and giving our fears to God. The following week my fears came to pass when my job fell through and the father of the two boys no longer needed my employment. Frustrated I began applying in a frenzy to anyone that would accept an application. Four days passed when my doctors discovered bleeding in my uterus due to my placenta implanting into a blood vessel (a rare phenomenon). Concerned for the baby and my own health I was put back on bed rest until further notice with the potential of continuing through the whole pregnancy.

       I have to say; trusting God is hard. You do everything you know to do to make things work: you pray, you work hard but sometimes it takes a little more than what you can do. Alex and I were struggling to understand that God has His own plans even when things just seem to get worse and worse. When we found out that I could potentially be on bed rest and unable to work through the whole pregnancy panic welled up inside of us, almost to the point where neither of us felt like we were able to breathe or function. In our heads and hearts we knew God had a plan but at that point we just couldn't see how it would work out.

        Alex began apply for a second job anywhere he could, but he ran into the same problems I was running into. No one would call back for an interview. There were times where he was even verbally promised an interview and the company just never called to officially set one up. It is hard when you know that God is bigger and has the power to give and take away, and He is just doesn't seem to do anything to help the situation. After three weeks of stressful worrying an option became available however neither one of us were prepared for what was being proposed. Alex was offered a job in Bar Harbor Maine. It would pay the bills while we lived on his parents farm helping as a coachman and stable hand. There were many opportunities for a second job if he found he had the time and was guaranteed a position should he take it as a catering hand for a hotel owner in town. As much as we hated to admit it, it sounded like it could work. We started praying seriously about the proposition, mean while Alex gave it another shot with finding a second job in New York. After several days of not hearing anything back from anyone, we made the decision to move to Maine. We had two week to get up there where Alex would start his new job.

       My parents graciously helped us with packing and moving our things which had been in storage and they agreed to help us move the little we had up to Maine. It really wouldn't and didn't take much to move but telling our friends we were moving was the most difficult and heartbreaking thing either of us had to do. It was amazing how over the next few days thing just effortlessly fell into place. We had a peace in our hearts and truly believed that God was going to take care of us.

       A week passed and I was suddenly told that I needed to go to the ER after experiencing multiple fainting episodes. We spent the day in the hospital to receive good and bad news. The good news was that the bleeding had stopped in my uterus and the baby was safe! I could go off of bed rest after a month. However, I was having problems with my fluctuating blood pressure and heart rate which was causing the abnormal fainting and dizziness so I still would not be able to work and my driving privileges were revoked for the entirety of the pregnancy. I was also warned that as the pregnancy progresses that my symptoms could become more pronounced and exaggerated. Relieved that the baby was okay, we took a deep breath and continued preparing for the move.

         Over the last week we said our good-byes and tried to see our friends as much as we could before the big day. We hadn't realized how many friends we had or how many people had effected our lives and encouraged us through the last few years, months, or weeks. So many more people had touched us in someway than either of us had begun to comprehend, in the same way we hadn't realized how many lives we had touched in some way. God works in amazing ways. He uses people we would have never expected and circumstances we could have never planned to speak something incredible into our hearts and minds. I will never regret a moment of any of the friends and acquaintances we have acquired along the way. Saying good-bye has never been so hard for me. Though we were moving near family and knew of people in their church, it couldn't compare to the relationships we had developed in New York.

       Friday came and we packed up the car, Alex worked his last shift at Starbucks and we set out on the road for the evening. Eleven hours later we pulled into the drive way of our new home. A little RV greeted us with little orange lights lit by the little door to show us the way. There was something strangely charming about the little trailer by the light of the stars outside. It was our home for now. A place we could call home. A space for our own, to get us through the next several months until the baby comes. At 2:45 in the morning a bed never looked so inviting. We slept until we woke to the sounds of clucking chicken in the morning.

         We have been in Maine now since the 8th of July. It is beautiful here. Alex loves his new job and is pursing a second job at the time. We are mostly unpacked and loving having our own space again. There is so much to explore and adjust to here. Living on a farm is a completely new experience for me but I am loving it! There are horses, lambs, chickens, bunnies, dogs, cats and a lot of bugs every where.  The sun sets are beautiful and the ocean is literally right down the Crooked Rd. Within the next month we hope to be able to pay all our bills again and work on paying off hospital bills. The baby is growing more everyday and so is my belly (slightly more than expected at this point). Tomorrow morning I have my first appointment with my new midwife and I am hoping to hear that things are going well so far.

          God has been so good to us even we can't understand where He is leading us or why. He has been taking care of us and I know He will continue to. So we are going to take a deep breath, work hard, pray often and trust where He is leading us. I promise to write soon and share some of our adventures so far, but as for tonight I can hardly keep my eyes open a minute longer. So until next time.

Alex and I miss all of you!!!

15 Weeks Pregnant! 

Love,
Leah

Beyond our Plans

          I know it has been a few weeks since I have had the motivation to share the crazy ever changing circumstances of our lives. In all honesty I don't even know where to begin or how to begin since our move to Cato. Our lives have yet again proved with great insistence that we are not going to have an easy ride through life. It has been no secret that we had been faced with a trying job and living situations. We tried so hard to make the situation work, but as the days continued and the weeks grew longer and longer, we were wrought with one situation after another. Eventually due to a health concern and yet another frustrating situation we were forced to make a decision. Do we stay and deal with these circumstances and risk my health, bitterness, and anger to take over our lives or do we leave and trust that God will continue working in this home? It was a very difficult decision to make, but over the course of the next week the answer was clear. It was time to leave.

          There is a time and a season for everything, for this family the time was a little more than a month. In the time that we were with the kids, we saw a huge change in both of them. The little boy started praying and regularly asking for us to pray with him and the little girl started opening up and sharing things on her heart. It was obvious to us that God was beginning to work in the lives and hearts of these children. In many ways I felt like we were failing God and these children; as if we were abandoning them without a care. God knows our hearts were so far from wanting to leave those precious children but we knew we could not continue to purposely keep ourselves in a situation that was not healthy, or deepening our relationship with Christ. A few weeks prior, we knew we couldn't just give up and that God was not yet opening a door for us to get out of the situation. But as the week progressed, more options became available. Starting things off Alex's job transfer failed to go through leaving him driving over an hour to get to work every day, thereafter more pieces began to fall in place and before we knew it we were preparing ourselves to move on.


          Unfortunately the conversation with my boss didn't go over well and we ending up moving out entirely that night. We are so thankful that we were able to bring one of our closest friends with us to pack up and get out due to the fact that things were not going over very well. The guys managed to pack up and clean up in just an hour and a half. After all was said and done we had never been so relieved to be out of a situation before. For now we are staying with my parents until I get a job and we can get into an apartment. It is frustrating not to be in our own place and to be out of a job, but over all we are so thankful to have a roof over our head and food in our bellies. We are surrounded by so many incredible people who daily reach out and minister to us. God has been good to us, and we know that He is leading us somewhere. For now we are practicing patience and faith, and learning to trust even through uncertain times.

Thank you for all of your prayer and thoughts.

Love,
Leah



         

What Have We Gotten Ourselves Into?

                     You would think that after seven months of consistently not expecting what God would do in our lives that we would learn to not expect anything in particular. In fact giving room and a large allowance for the unexpected. But God knows that we don't learn things very easily, so it goes to prove once again that indeed God allows, leads and intervenes in our lives in ways which we would never prepare for. Our most recent venture stands on terms no less unanticipated. The only difference is that this endeavor so far persists ever more onerous; seemingly impossible at moments.

                    Upon moving in with this new family as the live in nanny with my funny lovable husband the question has repeated itself more times than either of us care to admit: "What on earth have we gotten ourselves into?"

                   I have been faced with a multitude of shocking situations, disheartening realities, and frustrating circumstances over and over again. This home is beyond disorganized and in desperate need of a relationship with Christ. The circumstances and needs of this home are so far above and beyond anything I expected or feel that I have to give. There is no doubt in either of our minds that this family is in desperate need of an intervention and an example of a God honoring Christ centered relationship. With a single small bed room and bathroom of our own, we have otherwise been placed in a whirlwind  of emotions and expectations. We were not expecting to become like parents and missionaries to this family. Apparently God had a different idea in mind- I should have known.

              Over the first two weeks we tried so hard to convince ourselves that this couldn't possibly be where God wanted us, but circumstances proved to differ. God intentionally made certain that we wouldn't be able to find a way out of this. He made it near impossible to question where He wanted us. So having accepted that we are supposed to be here, we are now trying our hardest to find contentment in our living situation.

             The job itself has been one of the most exhausting jobs I have ever worked. The hours over the first week ended up being anywhere from 6:30 in the morning until 8:30 that night every day. With three dogs, four cats, other small animals, and a large house to clean, in addition to the two kids I watched, the days ended up being very long and stressful.  After two weeks of this crazy schedule and work load, I built up the courage to meet with and discuss the situation with my boss. Until that morning, the reality of my insecurity in talking over disagreements and challenging another person became painfully evident to me. I have never been so terrified to talk to someone before. I was so afraid of what she would say or do when I brought up some of the uncomfortable situations.  However, being convinced that God would desire an honest and mature attempt at communication instead of allowing bitterness and discontent to build up in my heart, I submitted to Him.  The conversation ended up going over very well, and since last weekend things have been going much smoother in relation to the work hours and the work load.

              Though the days aren't quiet so long, I am still amazed at the need of God's presence in this house hold. This will not be an easy couple of years. We need prayer, patience and a lot of wisdom. God willing we will touch these beautiful kids and this Mother and maybe learn a thing or two from them. We are going to be full time missionaries here and we pray that God continues to lead us.  I think it is painfully obvious that we have no idea what we are doing. I am so thankful to my friends and family who have been encouraging both Alex and I through the last few weeks, and I have no doubt that we will continue to rely on the wisdom and insight others will bring into our simple understanding. Thank God we don't have to rely on our own experiences to work through this.

Here are a few picture of our new "very messy" room:

             Love to all,
Leah

             


         
           

                   

A Tribute to an Incredible Family

             For the last seven to eight months, I have worked with three incredible children and their parents. I have watched the twins go from crawling to standing to walking, and their sweet sister grow a year older all the more sweet and smart. I have watched this family grow, worked with them through some rough weeks, as they worked with me. I have nannied for several families, but this family will always have a special place in my heart. The thought of little Emma will always bring a smile to my face.  I have been so blessed to know and work with this family, I thank God for the moments both sad and happy and I'd never change a day I had with them. No words will ever suffice as an adaquate description of the love I have for this family.

             Today was my last day working for this beloved family. It was one of the most difficult last day's I have ever been through. I fought back tears all day as Chase's dimple smile flashed at me while sitting on my lap, and when Sophia giggled as I played tickle monster, and as Emma snuggled up next to me with to watch Cinderella. My heart broke in two as I walked out that door today. I am so happy that it is not goodbye forever, but I will still miss our lazy movie days, or moments baking in the kitchen, and playing with the babies on the floor. I am excited with where God is leading me and Alex, but I cannot keep the misery of our parting away.

            Thank you to the Clukey family for the incredible last months I have had to share with you. I will always love you and miss you. You have each taught me so much and I will never forget you!

With all my love,
Leah

God Has Opened Doors-Always Uncomfortably Certain

              Over the last few days we have panicked and worried over our jobs and housing situation. There were moments where we felt like things would never get better, and that God just didn't have a plan and didn't care about us. In the same month we lost our car and our apartment and we struggled with health issues. Just when things started to look up, our world would come crashing down all around us once again. Deep in my own heart, I know God has had a plan all the while, but in the moment when we didn't have the money, time, or means of provision, faith seems little more than a inadequate luxury.  It is hard to believe that God truly cares for you when one thing after another comes cascading down around your feet. Even though all of our needs were met, and we always had just enough to make it by (many times without understand how or where the money or means would come from), we still struggled shaking off the anxiotey and doubt we had in where God was leading us. We were so foolish.

            Last Saturday we spent the day packing the last of our things, moving and cleaning. We were have financial complications with one of our bank accounts which was in the negative at the time. This one only one of the many frustrations and concerns we had. We had no money, were in the process of being kicked out of our apartment, and had no idea where we were going to go. I had spent that whole morning praying and praying. Part of me was confident in what God was allowing, knowing that He must be leading us somewhere, but when I discovered our financial crisis that morning all hope and faith slowly began to crumble. I was excited to see where God was leading us and at the fact that we wouldn't be exposed to the mold any longer, but I was making myself sick worrying about how we would make it through the next few days. We had taken a break and I had gotten the last of our mail. The first few envelops contained bills and insurance notes, I found myself hyperventilating and praying that God would provide the money for gas and the bills I had just received. I opened the next envelop to find a $17.53 check from our insurance for mileage compensation the day of the accident. It wasn't much but I knew it would be enough to get us gas to get to work. I stared at the next envelop scared to open it afraid that it would contain another notice begging for money. As I opened it I felt my jaw drop. There in the envelop was a check for $77.00. I could feel tears rising in my eyes. Somehow we were over charged for car registration and they had mailed us this check as compensation. It couldn't have come at better time. With money to spare we were enabled to attain gas and deposit in our negative account. Alex and I were beyond thankful, there was no doubt in our mind that God was providing.

           The checks instilled peace and faith in our hearts and we were able to relax trusting that God was just going to continue to provide. From that point on we continued unloading and reloading my parents van smiling and teasing each other like old times. I dropped Alex off at work shortly thereafter and then went back to the apartment to clean. I wasn't in the apartment for more than five minutes when I got a message from a woman through my nannying company. It was from a single Mother living outside of Syracuse who wanted a live-in Nanny to take care of her home and two children. My heart literally skipped a beat. Could this possibly be God opening another door for us? Ordinarily I would have never ever considered a live-in position due to the fact that I was a married woman. Most people wouldn't even consider taking in a live-in married couple. I waited to respond giving thought and prayer to the possible situation as I finished cleaning. Later that evening before I sat down to dinner with my family, I responded offering my phone number and the opportunity to talk through the situations. Not 30 minutes later she called me. We ended up talking for an hour or so, and I walked away from the conversation with a date for an official interview and a connection with this mother.  I was torn with the possibility. On one hand I would be forced to leave the family I work for now which would break my heart to pieces, but it would put us in a position where we wouldn't have to worry about an apartment or utilities and have an opportunity to work full time. The next few days passed and we kept searching for apartments in the area without any responses.

                 Wednesday night came and we drove out to the interview hopeful and painfully skeptical, we weren't sure what to expect or if this would be any possible reality. We were desperate but not desperate enough to take just any apartment or  job that could potentially put us in an unnecessarily  stressful situation. We had made a pact with each other that we would not walk away having accepted the job without taking a day or two to think it over and pray about it but we were not prepared for the situation we were walking into. We drove up to a beautiful yellow home, with a pool and trampoline in the back yard, well maintained and fairly new. It was beautiful. We were greeted by a lovely woman and her three well-behaved dogs. As we were shown in, we met her two beautiful and darling children and her boyfriend. The men connected instantly while admiring each other's beards. For anyone who may not know, a beard speaks a lot about a man; it is man lingo for masculinity and respect. Alex says that the man with the better beard is always to be respected and looked up to.  We instantly fell in love with the family. Without realizing it five hours had passed and midnight was upon us like cinderella at the ball. We talked about everything under the moon, for Alex and I there was no question: God had been leading us here. We were hired on the spot and accepted.

               There are times where God simply makes Himself visibly clear. That evening it was like He was standing in front of us smiling, telling us that we were home. As we drove home we talked wondered at how God brought us to this point. Even the car accident was necessary for this job to work due to the miles Alex is going to be driving daily in order to live there. I would have never been able to take the job had we our apartment, or else-wise considered it unless we had been put in a desperate situation. God had to have been setting us up for this job for a while now. We are beyond excited to see   what He is going to do in this time we have with this incredible family. No doubt we will still be in a situation where we are forced to rely on Him: I am sure that living with another family will bring it's own struggles and trials, however I am confident in what He is doing.

              Tomorrow we will be officially moving in, and I will spend the next week working for both this new family and my current family. My last few days with my family here in the Clifton Springs area will be devastating and heart wrenching, but as sad as I am I am confident in God that He will provide another Nanny for this family and help me with the transition. I feel so foolish for ever doubting God's plan. Oh how faithless I can be, but so thankful that God forgives and draws me ever near.

           
'Oh, God, You know my foolishness;
And my sins are not hidden from You.' -Psalm 69:5-6

'I was so foolish and ignorant;
I was like a beast before you.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by the right hand.
You will guide me with counsel,
And afterwards receive me to glory
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none on earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For indeed, those who are far form You shall perish;
You have destroyed all those who desert You for harlotry.
But it is good for me to draw newer to God;
I have put my my trust in the Lord God,
That I may declare all Your works.' - Psalm 73:21-28 


Love to all,
Leah

Today-Our Situation

Hi everyone,

       

              So over the course of the weekend, we ended up being kicked out of our apartment after confronting our Land Lord about our mold issue. 

 

Unfortunately she wasn't very understanding, and we were forced to be entirely moved out by Sunday evening, even though we were bullied into paying for the month of April. So over the course of Friday afternoon and evening with the help of two close friends we managed to pack up the whole apartment. Saturday my Dad and brother brought over their twelve passenger van and loaded up our stuff and took it to a temporary storage solution generously provided by the Harbor church. In two days we somehow managed to pack, move, and entirely clean our apartment. We have been unable to find any appropriate housing situations so far, but we are hopeful in our search. Until we are able to get into another apartment or living situation, my parents have courteously taken us in and so we continue our search. 

Even though things haven't yet worked out completely we are both so relieved to be out of the situation and hope that within the next few days to see a big difference in our health. God has been providing every step of the way and opportunities are opening up and  we are excited to see what God may have in store for us. 

For the timing being, it has been strange being back in my parents house. After months of being on my own and married, it is the most foreign concept to be back living with my family. Part of me still feels like we are going to get my mom's 'evil eye' if we are caught kissing in the kitchen or told that we aren't allowed on the same floor at night when we start to go upstairs to bed for the night. Sleeping in my old room is like walking into a forbidden land. Memories of the year prior and the 'rules' coming flooding back. I feel so naughty waking up in the same bed as my husband in my old bed room. It is been a funny adjustment. In addition to my family, there is also a single mother and her three beautiful children staying in the home. It is a full house overflowing with noise of laughter, screaming, and running throughout. I forgot how noise a house full of children can be. It is strangely refreshing. 

I am so thankful that my parents have such a large house and can handle the chaos of so many families at once. It is going to be a fun couple of weeks as we figure out where we are going. 

I promise to let you all know how things work out and where God leads us. 

Love to all,

Leah

Just Another Day God is Leading the Way

               It is no secret that these last several months have been filled with struggles, one after another. Another renowned truth is the fact that we have not been quiet or reserved in sharing and venting our reoccurring frustrations. Perhaps we should have been slower to speak, and reevaluated our situation and faith in the work God has been doing in our lives. Today however though things have been difficult we are encouraged to see what God is going to do. Alex and I recently discovered mold in our apartment which explains why we have both continued to struggle with our health. Because we both have asthma and I am allergic to mold, it only increased the seriousness of being exposed on a daily basis. Therefore we are being forced to break our lease last minute and look for another apartment. We are so relieved that we are able to get out of this atmosphere and into a healthier environment and to finally understand what has been happening with our health. We are looking at a few apartments over this next week in the phelps, Geneva and Clifton Springs area, hoping to find something close to the monthly payments we have been making to our current Land Lord.
               
             It has been a stressful and anxious scenario, however we are certain that God is going to provide and we are going to be more than fine. God is a good and faithful provider, just because things have been difficult has not been a testament of His disappointment in us, simply that He is raising us up to be strong faithful followers. We have already learned so much through the last few months, and we are so excited to see where He is going to keep taking us. We have so many passions and dreams! Alex can't wait to start school this fall, and someday when we have a little extra cash we are going to try very hard to be foster parents. If anything, these last few months have done little more than establish and confirm what God has really put on our heart. The lives of children being one of the most evident.

            When we find our new apartment I will post new pictures and let you know how we are all adjusting! Until then we are going to be super busy packing, looking for apartments and unpacking again. This is almost like a new beginning and we are so excited.

If anyone knows of any apartments in the area please let us know! Sending love to all!

Love,
Leah

More than We can Handle on Our Own

                      This past year has been nothing short of eventful, even so, neither one of us was prepared for the turn of the proceedings. Things finally seemed to be going more smoothly, we had a plan for the upcoming year and we had finally started to accumulate savings in the bank. Everything was right where we needed it to be. We had begun planning and preparing for our move to Colorado in the upcoming future, in fact we had a meeting with a friend to discuss our plans that very day- the day that changed our hearts and plans, and could have dramatically impacted our lives more than we ever though possible. There is no doubt or argument that God had His hand over us and the accident. Saturday afternoon, the first Saturday of the month Alex was on his way home with a friend when a car smashed into them from behind. Our car was launched across the road into a field entirely and completely destroyed. Our friend was stuck in our car but both men suffered minimal injuries, a miracle considering the gravity of the accident. Needless to say though Alex wasn't hurt and our friend was only in the hospital with a concussion, we had still lost our one and only vehicle which was essential for our 60 plus mile daily commute between our two jobs. Our car was fabulous; a Subaru that saved their lives, with great worth and quality, completely paid for, which would have easily lasted us another ten years with diligent care and upkeep.  We were beyond frustrated when we found out that we wouldn't get enough for our car to buy another car out right. Even more so, when dealership after dealership wouldn't give us a loan without a co-signer. After much prayer and seeking we were pointed to Auto Solutions where we were given a loan on a car that is fairly new with few miles, and great gas milage. Even through we now have monthly car payments, we do have a new car where we don't have to slap the cup holder for 10 solid minutes to get it open to place our cups in, we also have a CD player now and a remote lock, no longer to I have to stand at the door trying to finagle my key in the lock to get it unstuck and open.

                Although everything ended up working out with our car, it did set us back on our moving plans. We were still trying to make it work, until we sat in church that following sunday. It is amazing the simple things God uses to wake us up and point us in the right direction. Sitting in church that morning Alex and I were touched by the work God was doing in the midst of the congregation. Suddenly an overwhelming desire to be involved and part of this body of Christ imposed and challenged our motives for moving. We came away that day convinced that we were supposed to stay and get involved in this congregation. The next day we made the final decision that we were going to stay with the understanding and faith that God would provide. Since then we have had some ups and downs but we are excited to see where God leads us through the next year. Our church is amazing and we are looking forward to getting more involved and watching God work through others and through us.

            It hasn't been easy, and there are days when everything feels like it is going wrong but we have had too many days of God working miracles to give up heart completely. God is at work and He has broken us down, but He is building us up too.

To whatever waits around the corner.

Leah

Honesty is Freedom

          I need to take a minute and admit something I haven't been brave enough or honest enough to admit. I don't really care if anyone reads this, but in order to move on myself I need to say this publicly. I need to know that other people might know this little secret about me. It is a small step to healing.    

          Over the last seven months my life has turned upside down, inside out, and backside in. I have been tested before- there have been multiple tribulations in my life where I have wondered how I would make it through in one piece, but in every situation through every circumstance I was able somehow to keep my heart and eyes focused on Christ. I believed without doubt that God was with me, carrying my broken pieces, my fragile heart and that in the end He would help me walk through stronger, wiser and with an increased depth of understand of Glory and humility. These last few months have pushed me far over the edge; far beyond anything I have been able to handle. I liked to believe that I was fine; that I had dealt with my heartache and confusion, but as of two days ago I cannot deny the fact that I have never been so broken, heartless, and empty.

              I have been through more pain and confusion, had more questions and doubts in the last seven months than I have had through my entire life. I have had a strong reliance on Christ my whole childhood, and with anything I have ever gone through I was able to seek out the answers and comfort I needed in Scripture and through prayer. Now, though I know the answers in my head, my heart knows not how to begin dealing with this burden. I use to be able to open my bible and know exactly where to go to find what I needed, I use to pray constantly through the day, I use to smile and find joy in life even through the various trials I was going through. Today I sit with my bible, closed, and a quiet heart seeking desperately for words. I have gone through the last four months convincing myself that I was okay and that I needed to be over the pain and frustration I was feeling. I buried my heart so deeply within myself I started putting a block in-between my relationship with God and myself. I have grown more and more distant over the last four months than I would have ever thought possible.

        I would have continued believing that I was fine- that my tears where due to the fact that I was over tired and that the desperate compulsive need I had to talk through the same situations over and over again where only response to the nightmares I couldn't escape. However when Alex challenged my tears, fears and desires I crumbled in his arms unable to say anything, realizing how true his statements resounded.  I was hiding from myself and in the process had pushed God away as much as I knew I needed Him. Somehow I have gotten to the point in my life where I just don't feel like I am worth the trouble. I would rather pour myself into the lives of the people around me. I wanted to have a baby not exclusively but mostly due to the fact that I knew I could focus entirely on that baby and that I wouldn't have to deal with myself anymore. Some how my life would mean more if I had a baby. I realize now how empty and foolish that conviction was.

            How could I be a Mother or mentor to any person when I can't deal with my own issues. I had to realize that it is okay to hurt, to feel pain and not know how to heal but to struggle through the process. It is good to desperately need God, counseling, and consistent encouragement. It is okay to be needy for a time. I have never been willing to admit that. Even now though I have hope, it is difficult for me to admit that I am not okay. How can I ever encourage other people if I don't know what it feels like to be broken and need God?

           The fact is: I am a very broken, hurt and confused individual. I don't have the answers, I don't know how to heal, but I do know that God is with me and He is going to help me. I know I will need counseling and a support system and I am okay with that now. I want to be whole again; to feel confident in Christ and to feel the joy I walked in the last several years. Today I know I have made progress; honesty with myself has set me free. I am free to seek out help, to hurt and to realize that I don't have it all together and it's okay.


         I don't know why God has allowed everything that has happened in my life, but I do know that in the end He is perfecting me and helping me identify with His people. I am so thankful that I am surrounded by so many incredible friends and my husband as God works through this hole in my heart. God knew I couldn't do this on my own and He has surrounded me with an incredible family of friends and brothers and sisters in Christ.


I took a step. I tiny step forward. Yay! I am going to celebrate this small achievement and continue walking forward.


Love,
Leah