The Jaffrey Family Simplifying and Minimizing Project: Part 3 - Entertainment and Time Managment

     
     

If you didn't get a chance to read about how we are taking stride with our finances you can read about it here: Simplifying and Minimizing Part 2

        Hi Everyone,
           So this next step Alex and I have been praying over and working through has been how we invest our time, energy and where we place our values. Entertainment has been a huge focus of that. We both have realized, simply by looking at our budget how easy it is to spend not just our money but also our time and thoughts on mindless, fun, entertainment. The greatest thing we have had to come to terms with is that though there may be nothing wrong with entertainment in itself, it has a deep grip on our hearts; distracting us, consuming us, and stealing our passion and focus away from God.

It is so easy to allow 'things' to become idols in our lives. Movies, books, and games are fun, relaxing and at times even stress relieving. While this is not evil or bad, we allow it to become more than a movie every once in a while. Suddenly there seems to be a need to constantly be entertained. Games and movies are coveted and so easy to sit in front of when we have some down time. In the past we have spent money on games and movies and other sources of entertainment even when we didn't really have the allowance for it. It had our hearts and minds wrapped around its finger. This is when we realized how deceptive and toxic entertainment can be for the Christian heart and mind-particularly for us.

American life promotes spending money and time and thoughts on entertainment. Sometimes it almost seems like people live and work to entertain themselves. As disciples of Christ, I know that is not the focus that God wants us to have in our lives. Turning on the TV shouldn't be our first thought when we have a moment of quiet, nor should vegging out on the couch with a game after work be our instinctual response. Our lives as believers should be an example of passionate pursuit after Christ, the Holy Spirit leading us and helping us, a hungry and ever deepening desire to worship and bring His light to the lost world.

We've had to ask ourselves honestly:

1. What do we find ourselves thinking about throughout the day?
2. What do I look forward to doing when I have down time?
3. What am I investing in via time and finances the most, outside of work?
4.  When I am praying or studying the word do I find myself distracted by other thoughts? What are they?
5. What do I find most satisfying in my day to day life?

I know for myself personally, but also for Alex that we were a little taken aback by the reality of our answers to these questions. For myself, I put a lot of time and thought into Facebook, Pinterest, certain TV shows, and decorating. I look forward to relaxing with my husband on the couch at the end of the day with our TV show or a movie. I find myself thinking about my daughter, husband, dreams and mindlessly surfing through Facebook or Pinterest. I do love spending time with the Lord and in my bible but often times when I sit down to spend some quiet time with the Lord I am so tired, weary, and disoriented that I couldn't understand what I was reading and I wasn't connecting with Him on any level. He wasn't my first thought, and often days and weeks would go by without opening my bible once and not more than a few words of prayer here and there. My passion for the Lord was entirely lacking. My focus was not on Him. There was too much else going on in my day to day life to make Him my first and foremost thought.

After talking with Alex I've started taking steps to simplify my life. I have taken Facebook off my phone and as soon as our contract is up, we are getting rid of our smart phones and down grading to a simple text and talk phone to cut out the distractions of games and social media at the touch of the screen. Alex and I are going to be combining our Facebook profiles into one family one so that we can still keep in touch with our out of state friends and family, while controlling the time we spend on it. I only get on Pinterest after I have spent time with the Lord and my family. Alex and I are also getting rid of Netflix and we are not starting a new TV show series, we will be controlling about much we watch movies too.

Alex has had like struggles, with TV and gaming in particular. So together we are asking and praying that God would help simplify our thoughts and focus in our daily life.



Our lives could be so simple. Work, eat, sleep, and serve the Lord with all our hearts. Lately its been more like: Work, eat, watch TV, change diapers, play games, check Facebook for the 10th time, and then sleep a little. God is showing us how desperately we need to refocus.

I love the following passages because they speak so clearly of the simplicity of a life serving the Lord and the effect that has on the people around them.

"Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all as anyone had need. So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people, and the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved." -Acts 2:44-47

"Now the multitude of  those who believed were of one heart and one soul; neither did anyone say that any of the things he possessed was his own, but they had all things in common...Nor was there anyone among them who lacked; for all who were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the proceeds of the things that were sold, and laid them at the apostles feet; and they distributed to each as anyone had need?" Acts 4:32,34-35

These passages predominately show the act of giving their own possessions for the church and instead living simply praising God. We want to has that same gladness and simplicity of heart. If things are going to take away from the relationship we can have with the Lord than I don't want any part of it!



What are areas in your life that you feel like you may want to refocus and simplify?

Our next step is to simply the way we eat and how we think about food and health. Keep an eye out for my next post!


Love,
Leah

The Jaffrey Family Simplifying and Minimizing Project: Part 2

           

        Last post I shared our vision and goal for our Simplifying and Minimizing Project, today I want to share a little bit on one of the main areas we are striving to make a change and how that is hopefully going to change the way we think and value things in our life. If you didn't get a chance to check out my last post, you can see it here: http://faithcanmovethemountain.blogspot.com/2014/07/the-jaffrey-family-simplifying-and.html

      What God is teaching us about Money:

        We live in America in a very entertainment driven society. The advertisements promoted everywhere via billboard, TV, internet and radio, self purposed individuals in our lives, and modern day living protagonists parade the idea and concept that we need things in our lives to be happy. Bigger is better, success is often evaluated biased off income, and the possession of things. There always seems to be more that the world is telling us we need: the latest in technology, bigger houses, better cars, new furniture, more movies, more games, the best in sport gear, the newest trend in the fashion industry, ect. It is so easy to get sucked into the concept that we need things to be happy, or even to survive. Alex and I have had to learn how to live on very little, but as soon as we start making a little more we often find that we still feel like we don't have money. We have found that subconsciously when our income increases so does our spending, often times on things we don't need and that don't have any substantial value. Why? How can we change that?

         We want the way we spend our money and deal with our finances to reflect the heart God and to have a simple purpose: survive and serve. Just because we may have money at some point in our lives does not mean that we should be out spending it on this and that, just to entertain ourselves and reward ourselves just because we could. Instead how can we best use the money God is giving us.

There are three main points that we have come to realize:

      1. God is our true provider, even though Alex works and brings money home God ultimately gives us what we need.  

     2. Any money we have is not our money-It is God’s. We need to ask at all times, “How would He have us use this?” 

    3. No matter how little or much we have financially we are responsible to budget and spend as wisely as we can. The money God provides us is not to blow on frivolous things that have no value or use, simply for the sake of entertaining ourselves. Even if we have a lot, we believe God would want us to  use what we need to take care of our family, but ultimately help His church and bring Glory to Him in every way that we can.

We've struggled with how to apply these to our daily lives and the tights simple budget we have right now. So we've come up with a list of 5 questions that have helped us so far and will hopefully continue to help us. 

     1. Do we need this?

     2. Will this help us? Our marriage? Our family? or the Church?

     3. Is there another more inexpensive, better quality or other option that would be wiser or meet our needs better?

     4. Will this help us save money, spend better in the long run or help us meet our financial goals?

     5. Would this purchase be dishonoring to God in anyway?

As we've prayed and thought over this we have taken a few steps to start spending wiser, and utilizing our purchases in addition to coming up with some saving goals and further purchases.  

One of the big changes we have made in the last month has been switching Charlotte over to clothe diapers. At first we were really hesitant about the change, worried that the mess would be really difficult to keep up with while sharing a laundry room with my parents, but we have been pleasantly surprised. I am rather in love with clothe diapering. By September we will be saving about $60 a month just from diapers. The mess is so easy to clean and Charlie seems to have less rashes with these versus regular. Plus they are super cute. :) 

Other ways we are saving is:

 1. Not having Cable, we spend about $7 a month for Netflix which has a large variety of shows and movies for the family. 

2. Shopping thrift stores for clothes as much as we can, especially on half off days.

3. Not renting movies very often and not going to the movies, rather waiting for them to come out, or going to the $5 bin at Walmart.

4. Making treats and a lot of food at home- eating out less and making things from scratch. (We are eating out of the house a little more than we want to right now, just as an excuse to get out and away from the family for a little bit, but even still we try to be very aware of how much we are spending.)

5. Allowing ourselves a small amount a month for dates and little treats for each other. This has made a huge difference because we know what we can spend, and we are not as tempted to splurge outside of our budget!

6. Making it a game to see who can find things to do as a family that doesn't cost anything or much at all.

7. We make a lot of Charlottes food from scratch too which helps.

  We are learning how to be creative and to make the most of what we have. The tricky part will be to continue doing that if and when we start making a little more money. So here is too simplifying our budget and trying to change the way we think about spending and the thing we think we need.

God Obviously Has it in His Hands

       So we are still at my parent house...and still not sure where God is leading us. The goals we have set and revised again and again are still just as far away as they were several months ago and so we sit and wait wondering what we are supposed to be doing. We've had an agenda that hasn't been met. Some of our realistic goals for us have been:

            1. To become more involved in our church and the body of Christ - This due to my seizures, our seven month old baby, and Alex's work schedule we are excited if we can make it to one service a week
           2. Working hard at work to work up in the company so we can be providing for our family and working towards a better future- While Alex is working very hard, he was knowingly, wrongfully accused for stealing therefor preventing any chance of moving up in the company or into a career with this job

        3. Make enough to be faithfully giving tithe, pay all our remaining debt off, and get into an apartment we can afford, and provide for all the needs of our family, like glasses, getting wisdom teeth removed and so on - With extra unanticipated expenses coming out of the blue (as it does with life) we are further behind than we where hoping we would be.

        4. Get our own apartment - Between not being quiet financially there yet, and not being able to find a decent place available in a safe and affordable home.

       5. Finding relief and healing from my seizures - While I went through a short break from having seizures, they have come back and pelage me almost daily and it seems that nothing we try works.


          Between all of this we struggle knowing that God has a plan and His own timing but also feeling lost and hopeless. We finally feel like we are getting on top of things and moving forward only to feel just as lost and confused only weeks later. I find myself praying, "What do you want Lord? We are trying with everything in us to do what is glorifying You and whats we need to do for our family, but everything continues to fall apart. We are failing at everything we set our hands and mind to! What more can we possibly do?" - and then the quiet stillness steals away my breathless cries, and in the peaceful warmth a silent whisper grips my heart, 'I have a bigger plan, and I will always have you in my hands. Trust me. Let Me lead you. Let me have your lives. Every area of it.'

         The reality has become that the harder we try, even when we think we are doing what God wants us to do, He ultimately has it in His hands. Whether we work our hearts out, God may still have another direction He wants to take us, and we have to be patient, willing, and allow faith to carry us through this. Everything comes with a season. Right now, we have to keep trying to do our best and trust God with the rest, even if is feels like in the moment everything is falling apart around us.

     The question is, can we find peace and hope even in continuos moments of uncertainty? Can we still live every moment of our lives out serving God with everything we have, even if it isn't where we want to be?  I think if we continue to pray and let the Holy Spirit lead us, we will find the deepest joy even in these times. I know that throughout the last several months, even though we've been fighting for an answer and direction, we've also drawn closer to God and each other and have found joy, peace, and hope in it. We just have to keep trusting.

       

Finally here are so pictures of major cuteness!




Love,
Leah

The Jaffrey Family Simplifying and Minimizing Project: Part 1

                In my last post, I shared a little about what God is teaching us and showing us that our lives need to reflect and how we are to live. If you didn't get a chance to read it check it out here: http://faithcanmovethemountain.blogspot.com/2014/07/simplifying-when-less-is-more.html.

             In the last few weeks after much discussion, prayer and searching of the scriptures, we have officially begun 'The Jaffrey Family Simplifying and Minimizing Project'.

Our Goal: Part 1. The Vision & Goal

          Our family goal is to simplify and minimize our lives in as many areas as possible in order to bring our focus to Christ and raising our children with as few distractions as possible. This includes the things we own, what we use, how and what we eat, how and what we spend our money on and what we prioritize and value as a family.

        The idea behind simplifying is to get the distractions from everyday life out of our way. Media, the world, the idea and drive for entertainment and focus on having fun is slowly destroying our walk with Christ  individually and as a church and a body. We don’t want our hearts and eyes being drawn to or to be held captive by the things of this world anymore or in the future. So the first step in this process as a family it to start weeding out the things in our lives that take our thoughts and focus away from Christ and our family. 

         This is going to be a process and a journey: the first step is identifying the problems, the second step is to pray and ask God for a solution, and the third is to walk and live out the solution with the constant help and guidance of the Holy Spirit. In all of this recognizing that He alone can help us walk this kind of lifestyle for the sake of our walk with Him. 

          As we go and discover what is pulling us away or distracting us from God we have to honestly ask ourselves if we are willing to let go and put that detraction away from us for the sake of our relationship with God and our family. If media, games, movies, TV, even some books or relationship are pulling us away by any means from the walk and relationship we could have and need to have with God, then are we willing to part with it? If we hesitate it is a pretty good sign that maybe it is a little too important to us. We need to find ways as a family to force ourselves to rise above the modern day world and to live the simplest life we can by eliminating and controlling our  distractions.

Our first step in identifying our distractions and the chaos in our lives has been to ask ourselves the following questions:

Questions to Ask Ourselves As We Go: 

1. Do I find myself thinking about this throughout the day? 
2. Does it draw my attention and thoughts towards God or my family?

3. Does this honor or bring Glory to God?

4. Is this helping my relationship with God, my family, the church, or the lost and needy?
5. Is this edifying me, my family, the body, or drawing others to Christ?
6. Does this have any value spiritually?
7. Is this a want or a true need?
8. Does this reflect the heart and attitude of Christ?

        Honestly answering these questions has really opened our eyes to how many areas in our lives have been drawing us away from our relationship with God, each other and the body of Christ. Everyday things,that have become a part of our lives have been slowly destroying our vision and passion for Jesus.  The three biggest struggles that we are up against is how and what we spend our money on (and most importantly the way we think about it),  the way we spend our time and entertainment, and how we eat and what we think about food.  While there are many more areas we will be working on but these three are the first areas we are going to start working on as a family.

          After just a few weeks, it has become painfully apparent that this is going to be a forever, ongoing lifestyle commitment that only God can work in us. We will always be learning and hopefully growing through this, and in the end we pray that our walk with the Lord will grow, deepen and continue to be a living passion in our steps. I'm just glad He is a patient God, because this is not going to be easy!


More to come on our project soon!

(Please pray for us! ;) We are going to need it!)

Love,
Leah

Simplifying-When Less is More

               It has become painfully clear to me in the last few months that life holds hands with chaos, is attached at the hip with distractions, and has become best friends with the world. Long story short: life and modern day living distract and pull our heart, thoughts, and priorities away from Christ. This is our story- the one where we are constantly struggling against modern day mindsets and influences, while striving and seeking a life of devoted discipleship to Christ. It is hard and impossible, apart from the power of God and the Holy Spirit. As Alex and I have wondered through the last few months praying for direction, one thing has become painfully clear: Life is not about having the perfect house with a white picket fence and a swimming pool, or having a stand-up successful career that makes your parents proud and your friends jealous, or knowing exactly where you are leading your family and in what ways you will achieve success. He is showing us little by little, that our one and only priority and focus should be living to serve Him and His people, loving Him and His people, and sharing the good news with the world.

              This is not new news to us. In fact this is what we've set out to do since accepting Christ as our Savior. However, actually living like this and not allowing the worldly concepts and ideals for our lives to deceive and distract us is so much harder than it seems. It is so easy to get sucked into the mindset and chaos of the world, falling into the trap of believing we need more...more everything. This is what has happened to us the last few months, maybe even years. We have lost sight of what our lives are about and how God calls us to live. This has resulted in depression, ungratefulness, desire for control, stress, and so much more. It is a poison that seeks to destroy our very souls.

           Living for Christ is simple (not easy, just simple). Therefore should not our lives be simple? We have started asking ourselves, 'what things like our mindsets and ideals distract us from our objective of giving all we have for Christ?' One thing we have had to realize, is that just because something may not be evil in and of itself, that does not mean that it is bringing us closer to Christ, it may be what is drawing us away from Him. We don't want Life to be pulling us away from God. We want our lives to be simple and our out-look and goals to be simple. Serving God will all our hearts in everything we do, investing in our children, church and the people God puts in our paths, doing what we can to provide without being obsessed with having the 'perfect' and successful career, rather putting our heart and soul and as much time as we can into serving God in whatever ways He makes available to us.

         We are responsible to teach our children what it means to be disciples and to show that what that looks like. We are their examples. This is a perfect time in our lives to start weeding out things that don't draw us to Christ- putting away the thoughts, and things that distracts us from Him. This means reevaluating our goals, how we spend our money, where we invest our time, and the things we allow to entertain and influence our lives. It is time to start cutting down, cutting out, and taking a step out in faith-allowing God to lead our lives and take first place in our hearts.

  So here we are, back tracking and taking a step back. I wonder where God will lead us from here.

Love,
Leah

             

Learning to be a Wife- My poor Husband

           

While We Wait

        Yes, we are still living with my parents, and it is true that we still aren't sure what we are going to do. For the first time in a long time we are being given the opportunity to take a breath and truly seek out where God wants to lead our family, how we can best pursue the passions and dreams He has given us, while still being able to provide the needs for our family. Alex primarily, is getting a chance to do things over again in many ways. He has been able to take a step back, reevaluate, pray and let God speak into his heart and to trust that God can give us the answers and direction we need. I think we needed this time, as a couple, a family and individually to ask ourselves what we really want for our lives and our family, and not necessarily what may make the most sense to others. We want to be disciples who are willing to sacrifice and lead simple, even inconvenient lives, in order to live out the words of God as closely as we can. That being said-we don't want to rush or feel backed into making a decision biased on convenience and desperation. So we are waiting and praying.

        While we wait, though it is needed, there is also truth to the fact that we have both had to work through (and continue to struggle with) feeling like we are in limbo. As much as we appreciate my parents opening their home to us, it is simply not my home anymore. Alex and I are married with a baby of our own, it is hard not to feel like we are intruding, or that we need our own space and kitchen again. It is hard not having my own home to set up and run the way I like. It is hard not having our books and our own couch and bed. It is hard living in a little clutter and cramped quarters. Even more so, it's hard not having a definitive plan-still not knowing exactly what the next few month will hold for my family (not that anyone ever really knows what is going to happen at any time), or where God will lead us.  But even though it is hard and uncomfortable at times, God is also showing us many wonderful things while we wait.

      One of the biggest things that have changed in our lives in our hunger and relationship with the body of Christ, particularly in our church. I think for one of the first times in my life, I am literally counting down the days until Sunday and Wednesday every week. I am starving for fellowship, to be challenged, tested, encouraged, and enlightened. When Charlotte prevents us from being able to go (which happens often-I sincerely hope this teething stage passes soon) I am heartbroken and disappointed. When we leave church every week, we leave reluctantly, but also having come closer to Christ through the fellowship and edification of the body and through worshiping God with others equally passionately seeking and discovering Him. I said to Alex last week on our way home. "This church... it feels like home. It feels like family." Home. It felt like honey warmly covering my soul; a sweet, cozy, safe place. Even though our lives are in limbo, and we don't know where we will go or what we will do, for now spiritually and emotionally home. We can rest and we can know we are where we need to be right now.
 
     Wherever God leads our family, if we can focus in all things on Him and be actively involved in His body, the church, and in all things seeking His word, we will always have a home. Of this, I am certain... Sometimes I just need a reminder when I want to complain about not having a place to hang my babies bibs, or wanting to do laundry in my time, or to have the luxury to leave things around the house without complaint. (Love you mom! ;)) The reality is that it will always comes down to whether God is enough for me; if I have nothing and if things never go my way, will God still be enough. Long answer short, He continues to show me day after day that He can be if I let Him rule my heart.

           On another note Charlotte is seven months old today! My goodness she grows too fast! Here are some picture just for fun. I mean come on who could get enough of this face?

Love,
Leah

More to come on other things we are learning! Next post about our adventure on minimizing and simplifying!



      ***I just want to say, I've been part of many wonderful churches with incredible leaders and members of the body of Christ-I say this to make the point that what God is doing in our hearts and lives right now is not indicating in anyway that the churches I've been a part of in the past haven't been special or important to me. God is simply moving in our lives right now through this church and body and we are so blessed and inspired by it.

Patience? I Am A Screaming Child

               Patience. Oh boy, as much as I love my baby girl to pieces, I don't love the screaming temper-tantrums. I thought we had a little more time before this stage in her little life, but as it goes with babies-she's always keeping us on our toes. God has had to teach me about patience over and over again throughout my short life. I don't think my brain will ever fully comprehend what it means to be patient. Motherhood is a daily reminder of how impatient I actually am, and how much I need God and the Holy Spirit to work in me!

            Watching Charlie scream and holler because she wants her toy to do something it wasn't designed to do, makes me wonder if this is how we look in the eyes of God sometimes. I know in my life there are moments when I just can't understand why things aren't working my way and I complain. I am just a little human, ignorant-lacking the vision and knowledge that God has. I'm like my daughter; throwing my toys across the room and screaming on the top of my lungs because I'm upset that it won't fit in my mouth or spin around on the floor. I seriously need to take a chill pill-perhaps a dose of some heavenly peace and patience? :)

           God has so much patience with me. I imagine His love for me as His child looks a lot like the love I have for my child-only perfect and selfless. Even as my daughter screams (again) because things won't work her way, I can't help but love her. I see things she doesn't yet understand and that I can't explain to her underdeveloped brain, but someday I know these days of frustration will be gone (I hope) and replaced by ever growing understanding, insight and wisdom. I can smile as I watch her learn and grow. I can pray for her and with patience and a loving hand show her and teach her wonderful things about life everyday. I can't wait to watch her learn how to play with her toys, and how to read and all about the beautiful things God has created for her to enjoy. Likewise, I think God delights in watching me grow and learn, and showing me the beautiful things all around me-even though today my understanding is limited.

         Becoming a parent has changed my perspective and continues to change the way I see God. I hope as I learn to be more patient that God continues to reveal His beautiful mysteries and to teach me the many things I have yet to learn and understand.


Seriously though, how can I be impatient with a face like this one?



 Love,
Leah

Finding Peace

               Have I mentioned how hard it is to find time to write with a teething, six-month old baby? Writing aside, it's hard to find time to do pretty much anything. I have clothes (mostly folded) still sitting on our borrowed love-seat waiting to be put away- need I say this is week two and they have been cycled through twice now without finding their homes? Yet, whereas a year ago this would have driven me crazy due to my obsessive drive to have my life perfectly organized-today I'm learning to find peace and a simple joy amongst the chaos.

             Life is pretty quiet lately. I sleep (kind of), eat, change diapers, laugh often and walk around the block several times a day. My life is pretty predictable on a day to day basis. Last month, this drove me to tears and in frustration I cried out to God looking for more substance in my daily activities. Instead, He gently took me by the hand and opened my eyes and heart to the incredible journey I was walking everyday. I'm learning. I'm learning a lot, about a lot of things. I'm learning to laugh again; finding joy and peace in the little things everyday. I'm learning to sing-praises echo forth in the midst of the white noise that surrounds me. I'm learning that being a mother is much harder than I thought it would be, but it is also so much more endearing and fulfilling than I ever imagined. I'm learning that being a wife that honors both God and my husband isn't always natural- it takes work, patience, selflessness, and passion. I'm also learning that God is greater than the odds-He is bigger.

           I'm starting to see my life through eyes that have been blind only to begin discovering a light, colors and beauty I've never before seen. I've changed. Life has changed me. Between the circumstances that Alex and I have faced, both intended and unexpected, God has shown me things I never understood before. One phrase comes to mind: God is bigger. He is always bigger. When I don't understand, when the world says it's impossible, improbable, against all odds, God is bigger. He is bigger than reason, reality, and the things that simply make sense. When I we wonder how and why, He is bigger still. There is nothing in my life or in this world that He is not bigger than.

           I'm finding peace. I am learning to embrace where I am in my life and to delight in the simple beauty of motherhood, being a wife and falling in love with God all over again while trusting that whatever we face or whatever bizarre circumstance we go through God is bigger still.

     

     

I Am Like An Israelite

 There are days when the whole world seems to be spinning out of orbit around me. I sit here with a baby finally asleep in my arms, listening to the chaos surrounding my simple days- and yet the chaos has nothing to do with me. It’s like sitting on the side of a highway watching life and loved ones fly by without a second glance. Everyone is off saving the world to some degree, while I sit by the road side as my baby screams herself to sleep again and I am helpless to do anything to change that. 

       

         Confined and unable to leave the house for more than a walk around the block, in a daze I watch my days come and go with few memories and little to say about them. I love being a mom and watching my daughter grow, but some days it is so hard to watch everyone busy and about- to see the world alive and thriving simply to be stuck in a house filed with pandemonium and commotion. It is amazing that though I am surrounded by people more than not, I sometimes feel more alone than I ever have. 

         Whichever way the waves crash so my boat is thrust about, though I am still and my feet are grounded, the sea in a reckless frenzy throws me about like forgotten wreckage. So are my days in this house. With a baby at hip and my feet tracing my previous steps again and again, I wonder has it been another day again? Is it morning yet? Or is this just one day that will never end?

As these thoughts pulse through my heart and race through my mind, I am simply reminded of the Israelites. They were given manna at their cry for food, and water when their throats were parched, and when they grew weary of manna, God opened the heavens and quail landed at their feet. Yet they complained- they were still ungrateful. God has given me a child and a husband both who love me. He heard the cries from my heart and implored His ear unto my prayers and with mercy and grace poured blessings upon my head. And still I here with quail and manna on my tongue and weep for the things which are yet to come in later days. Ungratefully I ponder my sorrows, and with lonely days I hold the blessing of God in my arms and pray for something more. 

           He should send venomous vipers to bite me in my sleep as He did to the discouraged people He blessed and showed mercy too. I have such a wicked heart. My heart betrays the Lord even when He has blessed beyond what I deserve. I need to turn my heart to God and bless Him in the midst of these quiet days. Praises and worship should sound from my mouth in all things. 

           As I sit here quietly, while my baby sleeps- as the ones I love rush about and go from here to there, will I sit and let the quiet days fill me with peace and stillness? If I am perhaps the Lord will speak and fill my heart with deep and refreshing thoughts of Him. If I seek Him in all things and listen as the world goes by, I know will be filled with peace. Why then is it so hard just to sit still?  How often do I have a season of quiet days to simply sit and listen to the Lord? Will this season of lonesome days be filled instead with love and the Spirit of God? Will I be able to make the choice to let songs of joy and praise surround me and overflow from me?

God has given me His Spirit. He has raised me out of the mire and called me to Himself. Surely He will help me turn my heart to Him and let the chaos around me become a distant friend, instead filling my heart and days with deep thoughts and revealing the mysteries of His Word to my wondering heart. The world around me will become like white noise, I will sleep with a smile on my lips and with a song in my heart and rise with joy to the wakeful laughter of another day to hold and treasure as my baby grows and thrives before my eyes. Is there nothing more delightful than finding peace in the Lord and precious riches like buried treasures in the light of every new day? 

And so I am learning to embrace motherhood on a whole new level- to soak in the simple days and hold the quiet moments like precious jewels and priceless treasures. 

    Love,

        Leah

When Love Is Work

          It's been a long time since I've written last. I regret that I haven't made more time to write and share what God has been doing in my heart and life and the road He is taking Alex and I on. Writing is an important part of stress relief for me and sharing and meditation on what God is doing in me day to day forces me to commit my heart and thoughts on Christ rather than the chaos that surrounds me. Therefore I am honestly trying to make journaling and writing a priority again. Even if all I manage are a few scribbled sentences in my neglected journal prior to surrendering to sleep.

       I've been thinking a lot lately about what God is speaking to me and showing me. It is so easy to get caught up in the emotion of everything going on in this whirlwind of a corrupted world, that I catch myself overcomplicating overthinking things that are really very simple. The first is love. I'm not one to normally hold grudges, or to struggle forgiving or letting go, but these last few months have really thrown me through the wringer. I've had anger and bitterness in my heart. I've struggled day after day to understand why I'm so angry that I can't just let it go. I made excuses, explained away the circumstances, but none of that changed how deeply I hurt and how wronged I felt, which continued to fuel my anger and frustration.

       The truth is that Love is simple. I am telling myself this again as I write it because it is not always an easy thing to embrace. Love is putting someone else first above yourself- above myself. It's not about the way I feel about someone, or what they do to me, or how I deserve to be treated by them. It is simply self-sacrifice. Jesus understood that better than anyone else ever did. I am constantly finding that I have to take myself back to the gospel and remind myself what Jesus endured for my sake and your sake. It was not easy, but it was simple. As puny, arrogant, evil little humans mocked, beat, and abused the Son of God He still loved us. As He hung on the cross dying for us, He loved us. He endured so much more than I will ever be faced with simply for undeserving love. I'm not supposed to give love to those who earn it. It is a gift to give freely, consciously, always without exception.

         Whether I've done anything wrong myself or not, my angry and hurt stems directly from selfish desires. I think and act like I deserve to be treated and thought of a certain way. I put myself and my feelings above choosing to love someone first. Love does not hold grudges. Love forgives. Love does not think of it's first or put itself above anyone. I am no better than anyone else and I sin and fall short of the glory of God. This means that apart from Christ I am sentenced to death, and yet I constantly find myself trapped in a mindset of measuring my self worth and purity. This nothing. Christ and His sacrifice of love for me, is the only thing that sets me apart from the world. When I act and behave as though I'm deserving of more I'm putting myself above those who are just as I am. This is not a heart of purity or one that glorifies God.

        If I am to love, I am to put aside myself worth and cling to the hope I have in God. For if my heart is focused on Him in all things, I will find that the words and actions of the world won't capture me in the bondage of anger and bitterness. Christ should be my all, nothing men do or say can take that away from me. Who I am, and who I will become is in Christ. It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me or does to me. I'm hoping that Love will become easier with time. I hope with certainty because I have experienced the freedom of Love, to give and receive because of the freedom I have in Jesus.  


_Charlie Ann has woken from her nap, so I must go for now. But I'll write again soon! God is always working, so I'll never run out of things to write about! By for now!

Love,
Leah

When Spring Brings Healing

         Winter leaves us in a sleepy state of mind and heart. It is actually proven that people struggle with depression more in the last three months of winter then at any other time of the year. December comes and it is white and exciting, but when January rolls around; white turns to gray, snow becomes slush and the whole world seems to sleep. I think often times my life can go through seasons in likeness to the changes we see in our world. I find myself having intervals when I'm coming back to life, growing and blooming, times when I'm active and running around with determination and conviction, times when I'm slowing down and getting comfortable, and then I certainly have moments when I feel like my spirit goes into a state of hibernation; often leading to depression. In the midst of these last several months, winter has settled deep in my soul, burying me in a sedated mess of sluggish emotions.

         I've struggled off and on with depression for most of what I can remember of my life. There have been times when I needed to seek out help, and then times where I would loose myself so much that God would have to pick me up and out Himself because no one else was able to do the job. I am not sure why depression has been something I've always struggled with; but it is my thorn and whatever the reason, it is something God has had to work me through over and over again. This past season has been no exception.

       In the time we lived in Maine, God took me through a pretty serious process of identifying and admitting to myself the source of a lot of pain I've buried and left untouched through my childhood and adolescence. Not only has He brought out of me some painful memories and emotions, but He also has shown me the danger of allowing myself to burry everything from myself and the world, and how that has affected my perception of Him and of myself. I've learned that I believe and have believed a lot of false truths of myself and of who God is.

       The more I think back to our time in Maine, the more I am seeing it as a time where God isolated us from everything familiar and began challenging us and testing us in ways we couldn't have been while home in New York with our friends and family. He took us out of our comfort zone and placed us in a situation where we were forced to depend on Him entirely to help us work through some issues and strengthen us again. Maine was a good thing. God used it, and when we felt like we couldn't handle it anymore, He provided opportunity to go home and bring us back into communion with the people we so dearly love.

      I feel like Spring is right around the corner; not just literally, but also spiritually. I've had to trust God to help me work through this depression and dormant state. Not only is He bringing me out of it, but I'm arising with healing, new growth and a greater picture of who God is and who I am in Him. I'm still struggling through some things, but I see hope on the horizon, waiting for me with renewed vigor. I'm seeking out help and allowing God to take me through the process to find wholeness in Him, regardless of my weaknesses and crippled spirit. Just like Spring I feel like I'm finally coming alive in Christ again, after far too long a season of sleep and despair.

        I'm still struggling with seizures, but I hope that as God walks me through this process of healing that I will begin to see some relief from these episodes that continue to take a toll on my life and my family.


     On another note, Charlotte continues to grow strong and defy the odds set against her from day one. We are so excited to see her personality blooming and to watch her grow continually! She is so bright and happy, and such an incredible blessing. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, the grief from loosing our first two babies blinded us from any hope of having a baby to hold, and now we can watch our little girl fall asleep in our arms. What an amazing feeling! It goes to show that even through seasons of pain and frustration we have had no lack for blessings and joy.


With Love,
Leah


       

Another Season of Waiting-When Faith is Tested

           It is one thing to be 100% convinced that God is going to provide simply because He promises that He will. He tells us not to worry about what we are going to eat or where we are going to sleep, because even the sparrows are taken care of. It is an easy concept to grasp, until of course, your in a position without a job, watching your funds dwindle, not knowing how things are going to work out. It is easy to fall into the panic driven, control seeking mindset. We came to New York primarily because of my health issues, without a job, trusting that God would provide the perfect work opportunity for Alex. In our minds I think we expected to move home and that God would just drop the 'perfect' job into our laps and all our worries would be absolved. It is now two and a half weeks later we are still waiting... Now our faith is truly being tried. We know in our heart of hearts that God is going to provide something for us, but in our human control craving mindsets, we grow more anxious and stressed with everyday. There is a part of us that wants ask, "Lord, why can we not have an easy break? Just once? Today, is it too much to think that You could simply cause all things to fall together perfectly?"
          I so desperately want to believe that God has a perfect plan for our lives, but it is so hard to fully commit to heart when day after day passes by with questions unanswered, and no idea as to how things will work out in the end. On the other side of things, we have watched God provide time and time again and we know that somewhere along the way we are going to see God provide what we need. It comes down to this simple truth: we like to have our lives in control, and we don't like waiting. There is so much we want to do with our lives, and these cycles of waiting feels like our life, passions and dreams continue to be put on hold. We fall into the trap of being satisfied just surviving. There is a part of us that wants so much more out of our lives. We want to see God using our gifts in ministry, living out our passions, living deep and meaningful lives, not to be dwindling away our days waiting for things to start happening.
          Last night while sitting together praying that baby Charlotte (who is not feeling well) would finally fall asleep, we both came to a startling realization (something we both know but often forget), it doesn't matter what we do in life as long as we are doing what we can through these quiet days all for the glory and honor of God. Whether we are serving the people in our family, changing diapers, trying to put to use the gifts we have (even when we aren't seeing a profit), or working in a dream job, going across the world evangelizing, if we are doing it to the best of our ability for God then we are bringing honor and glory to God. We don't have to do anything special. We don't have to have it all in control or have all the kinks worked out. Point blank-God will provide.
        Whatever may come our way, we are anxiously waiting, and relearning to patiently trust God's timing and plan for our lives. Today we are learning how to use the time we are given and the things we have to honor God and live fully-in spite of our current situation. I am fairly certain that our faith and patience will constantly tested. I pray that God continues to teach us to let go of our drive to control our situation and circumstances, and that we learn to live everyday for Him wherever we are, whatever we are doing. Until then, we will continue to walk and learn and try (very, very hard) to trust God with the rest.

        Love,
        Leah

           

When Prayer Changes Your Life

 It has been a good month and a half since I've last written to you. This is lame sauce on my part.  Honestly though, being a new mom is not an easy adventure to undertake. I've listened to many mothers tell me that once your baby is here you won't have much time for anything. It isn't that I didn't believe them, or that I thought things would be different for my baby and I. I think I just didn't fully realize what that would entail. I didn't realize that after Charlotte was born that my meals would almost literally be in-haled as I bounced her to sleep in my arms, or that I would most look forward to my five minutes in the shower. Motherhood has been one of the most precious experiences for me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it isn't easy-it is exhausting, sometimes frustrating, I'm constantly finding bodily fluids all over my would-be-clothes, and overall it is time-consuming. My days have been filled with little more than diaper changes, burping marathons, feedings, naps, dancing in the living room to stop her little tears, and lots and lots of prayer. I love it (or most of- it poop and spit up I could do without.), it has left little time to write.

      So much has happened these last several weeks, I'm not even sure where to begin. The biggest change for us has been our move to New York. I've been having some health complications for a while and after Charlotte came, things suddenly intensified to the point of needing constant supervision on my part. There was fear that I could potentially drop my sweetheart, and no one wanted to risk that. So almost overnight I was being 'mommy sat' constantly. My mom actually came up from New York (note that she has 6 other kids at home, but still came to help me for which I'm so thankful) and staid with me sleeping on an air mattress for 5 weeks while we worked with doctors to figure things out. After two weeks and a couple consults with my doctors and a specialist it became very clear to us that there would be a long-term need for support and help as I worked through my health issues. After praying and thinking long and hard, Alex and I came to the conclusion that the best thing for our family would be to move in with my parents in New York while we work through this process. So over the last three weeks we packed up and moved back to my home town.

Valentines Day

     There is such a huge part of me that is so relieved to be back home with my family and friends, but that aside I cannot deny the shame and frustration I feel due to the fact that I can't be relied on to take care of my own baby and my husband. All my life I've dreamed of being a mom and a wife, and now that I am wearing both shoes, I find I have to rely on other people to help me for the sake of my child and husband. Shame- it isn't an easy thing to deal with. I know that God has a plan for our family and that He is walking with us through these health issues, but I cannot deny the fact that I feel like less of a person, mother, wife and friend due to my health and emotional needs. I wanted to be a super mom. I wanted to do it all, but instead I am struggling to lead a semi-normal life. When Alex and I first got married we both prayed a prayer that we believe has drastically changed our life together- a prayer that proves God hears and answers us when we pray. It was a simple and an honest desire, but we didn't realize then the impact it would have on us. We wanted to live out a life that wasn't easy or normal- we wanted to struggle and constantly be challenged, we wanted God to strengthen us and perfect us, we wanted to live a life that God could work through; not finding comfort and ease where we could forget the gravity of our walk with the Lord. God heard us that evening. Since that day we have had nothing less than a walk filled with trials and tribulations. Normal? Haha, not at all.

Kisses for the baby

    Even though we wouldn't change a thing that we have gone through and endured, it's no secret that it isn't easy to walk in joy, peace and faith. We have cried, been angry, and questioned more in the last year and a half than we have in our entire lives. God took seriously our desire to grow and understand Him more. This struggle with my health and the journey we are walking through the process is just the beginning of Him working in our hearts. We are stumbling through day by day all the while praying for some clear direction. Somehow things always work out, and I know in the end we will only be stronger and have a clearer picture of who God is.

      Long story short, we are fully moved into my parents house. Alex is looking for a job and we are trusting God to provide something for us, and I am starting to move forward to find healing and to get our life somewhat back together. I want to be the best mom that I can be, and I'm learning that even if I have to struggle with health issues the rest of my life, amidst the shame and feelings of failure, God will help me be a mother to my daughter and a wife to my husband. As we get settled I hope to write more and share more of what God is teaching me as a wife and mother.

Love,
Leah

When Charlotte Came

         It is no secret that this pregnancy has been filled with trials and complications, or that we wondered for a while whether this baby would make it full term-if we would loose it before we had a chance to meet it. Charlotte has been defying odds from the moment of her conception. Just days after we discovered that we were pregnant the doctors were concerned that we could be loosing her. After weeks passed and multiple sonograms and a lengthy time spent off my feet, we had hope that maybe just maybe she would make it. She was a fighter; 5 weeks turned into 14 weeks and before we knew it we were in the second trimester, off of bed rest with most of our fears resolved for the moment.

       Then came 16 weeks and suddenly things weren't looking good for her or myself. I was restricted from most of my activities again, and prayer was reinforced full fledged. It felt like every minute we turned around there was something else threatening the life growing inside of me. When one problem was resolved another one approached us from behind another pivotal moment.

       More than anything in the world, we just wanted to see this baby safe and healthy but after being told at 28 weeks pregnant that we could give birth to a very premature baby, our hearts dropped and we prepared for the worst. Family, friends and strangers lifted us up in prayer, and Charlotte's name was being whispered to the heavens through the hearts and well wishes of people we hoped she would grow to meet and know.

      It became a day-by-day waiting game. We were in the process of switching doctors and were becoming very frustrated with the doctors we were seeing. It felt like these new doctors weren't taking us seriously, or giving our babies life much thought. After multiple trips, and rescheduled appointments  we finally met with a doctor for a consult and immediately felt a difference. For the first time a doctor was taking my health problems seriously and was working to prepare us for the worst. We requested a transfer to their office and we were taken under the wing of this doctor. We finally had some hope for our daughter regardless of what happened in the next few weeks.

      We were in and out of the hospital almost weekly with premature labor, but with medication and prayers Charlotte continued to grow strong and healthy inside of me. At 35 weeks I started having consistent contractions 10 minutes apart and began slowly dilating. I was officially in pre-labor and we knew that we would finally be able to hold our baby soon. The week felt like it went on forever. Every moment we wondered how we would know it was truly time and then there was the fear of making it to the hospital in time to deliver via c-section like we had planned. It was to the likeness of standing on pins and needles.

       Finally monday came, and that night we knew something had changed, so we promptly made our way to the hospital for what we hoped was the last time being pregnant. They kept me overnight with contractions every 5 minutes apart as I started to dilate a little more. But after not seeing much progress in the labor they sent us home 14 hours later. The next three days were the longest days I think I have ever endured. The labor wasn't progressing enough to pursue our c-section, but it was present enough to keep me from sleep, leaving me exhausted, anxious and impatiently praying.

      With a major snowstorm headed our way and the trip to the hospital already being long and precarious from our little home in the woods, both Alex and I were worried about how quickly we would be able to make it to the hospital should the labor begin to progress. Our biggest fear was that we wouldn't make it to the hospital on-time. After all of the trips to the hospital hopelessness began to set in. We had reached a point where we were sure that I would simply continue at this stage in labor for the next three to four weeks until we reached full term. We began to convince ourselves that the time was not coming.

      Wednesday we made our way to the doctors for a follow-up appointment. Our doctor was on vacation for the week so we were seeing another doctor from the office. We waited for a good 30 min in the waiting room during which my contractions suddenly became increasingly more frequent and sever. When they finally brought us back to a room we sat for another lengthy time waiting to hear where we were in our laboring. When the doctor finally came in, it was only a matter of minutes before it was evident to her that my water had finally broken and we needed to do the c-section that day!

      I have never been so excited to hear that someone was finally going to cut me open (while I was fully conscious) and pulling a living human being from the depths of my womb. All fear of the operation, and the anxiety for Charlotte faded away and the reality that we were going to actually get to hold our daughter overwhelmed us. Just when we had convinced ourselves that this moment would never come, we were sitting hand in hand daring to believe that everything was going to be just fine.

     After a few minutes the doctor came back in the room to inform us that my doctor had stopped in the office and heard about our situation and wanted to do the c-section himself- on his vacation. Alex and I were overwhelmed. We couldn't believe what we were hearing. We were rushed over to the hospital and suddenly we hardly had a moment to breathe or truly think about what was going to happen.

   The operation was scheduled about an hour and a half to two hours later, but the process of getting ready stole the time and ran with it. Before I knew it I was sitting on the edge of a cold blue table with 5 to 8 nurses around me, a needle in my back and the world rapidly spinning around me. Alex was waiting outside the door dressed in blue from his head to his toes (very sexy by-the-way) but all I wanted was his hand in mine whispering sweet-nothings in my ear, letting me know I was going to be alright.

       Surgeries are never easy- always filled with anxiety, and tummies fluttering with enough butterflies to fill a sanctuary. The fact that I was about to be sliced and diced didn't manifest until the spinal had set and I slowly began loosing feeling below my head- where upon my world frantically began spinning until Alex walked in. His eyes met mine and all butterflies fluttered away as though a breeze had come and carried them away. Fifteen minutes later a little cry rose above the chatter of the doctors and nursing staff.
     
       I don't know if there are words to describe the moment I heard her cry for the first time. Joy, relief and love are possibly the only words needed. Tears spilled down my face as Alex took his daughter into his arms for the first time. Immobilized, I laid on the table while I listened to my daughter; never has the tears of a startled child sounded more like music then the moment I realized that the baby we have been praying for and dreaming of was alive and well.

      Alex and her nurse brought her over to me, and I stared into the face of the most beautiful, peaceful baby I had ever seen. With a head of thick dark black hair, and petite perfect features I was looking into the face of my daughter. I was taken aback by her beauty and her serene demeanor. At four weeks premature, she was healthy and more perfect than I had ever imagined possible. As she was taken away to the nursery while I was being put back together all I could do was pray and praise God for the miracle that had taken place. I am fairly certain that my heart was not the only one singing, but that the voices of the angel harmoniously fell on the ears of the Lord that afternoon.

     Charlotte Rae Ann was born on Wednesday the 11th, of December, the year 2013, at exactly 2:00 pm, or 1400 hours. She weighed 5 lbs. and 7 oz. and measured 19inches long.


       There is truly no way to fully share the experience of having your child in your arms for the first
time and I cannot thank my family, our friends, and everyone who has come along side us during this journey. This has not been an easy road to travel; there were many days we wondered if we would make it to the moment we held her in our arms and kissed her face. The prayers and encouragement we were surrounded with had an incredible impact on us and I choose to believe on Charlottes little life.

      We cannot wait for her to meet her family and our friends and church family. We hope that she continues to grow and thrive on all of the prayers and positive relationships around her. Thank you all so much for everything!!!

Much love,
Leah

       

A New Home!

Our family room

          We finally did it! We are in our own home, mostly unpacked and ready to bring home our little girl! There are no words to express the relief and joy of having a place to call home again. Though we are beyond thankful and blessed to have family to lean on through the last few months, we are so happy to go to bed in our own room, with the silent wonderment at the stillness of our new dwelling. We know that this is just the beginning to a new journey, with new struggles and trials, but for today we rest in peace and with hope in God for whatever awaits us down the road.

We have beautiful big windows and sky lights that let in light

           Charlie Ann is still snuggled up inside my womb growing stronger with everyday. According to my doctor we are now out of the water, and if she were born today she would have half the fight to grow and mature those little lungs! He thinks I have a good chance of going full term at this point. Though we never know the timing and plans of God. My family is coming for three weeks hoping to be here for the birth. I hope they don't have to  go home disappointed, but I cannot deny that I trust God with the timing of all of this!

Our couch has long been missed! Many naps await in the future.

        I am so excited to see all of my siblings and my parents again. I miss being involved in their lives, and being close enough to stop by. Here we were prepared to spend this holiday season without the blessing of sharing it with them, and now God has opened a door and graciously blessed us with an opportunity to share more than just a weekend together. I am so overwhelmed by all that God is doing in our lives. I know that these next few months will be far from easy, especially for my hard working husband, but I look forward to watching God continue to provide for us and blow us away with His gracious, merciful love!


Here are some pictures of our new home! I can't wait to bring Charlie Ann home. I finally feel like we have an appropriate place to bring her home too!

Charlotte's changing table/dresser. 

Rocking chair for Charlotte! 

A window seat with a gorgeous view! 

Beautiful dinning room! 

A kitchen of my own again! 

There are so many wonderful nooks and crannies.

My own laundry room! 

Charlie's little bed! 

Ready with essentials for midnight feedings.

Our own bed again! With two big windows to look at the stars! 

               We are in love with our new home. There is more space than we know what to do with! Our landlord is a believer himself and has been more than accommodating to us. God has blessed us above and beyond anything we could have expected, we can only hope we can use this blessing to bless other in our lives now. 

             So now we just wait and pray for the day we can bring our baby home, and begin this next part of our journey together. 

Much love to all,

Leah