Patience? I Am A Screaming Child

               Patience. Oh boy, as much as I love my baby girl to pieces, I don't love the screaming temper-tantrums. I thought we had a little more time before this stage in her little life, but as it goes with babies-she's always keeping us on our toes. God has had to teach me about patience over and over again throughout my short life. I don't think my brain will ever fully comprehend what it means to be patient. Motherhood is a daily reminder of how impatient I actually am, and how much I need God and the Holy Spirit to work in me!

            Watching Charlie scream and holler because she wants her toy to do something it wasn't designed to do, makes me wonder if this is how we look in the eyes of God sometimes. I know in my life there are moments when I just can't understand why things aren't working my way and I complain. I am just a little human, ignorant-lacking the vision and knowledge that God has. I'm like my daughter; throwing my toys across the room and screaming on the top of my lungs because I'm upset that it won't fit in my mouth or spin around on the floor. I seriously need to take a chill pill-perhaps a dose of some heavenly peace and patience? :)

           God has so much patience with me. I imagine His love for me as His child looks a lot like the love I have for my child-only perfect and selfless. Even as my daughter screams (again) because things won't work her way, I can't help but love her. I see things she doesn't yet understand and that I can't explain to her underdeveloped brain, but someday I know these days of frustration will be gone (I hope) and replaced by ever growing understanding, insight and wisdom. I can smile as I watch her learn and grow. I can pray for her and with patience and a loving hand show her and teach her wonderful things about life everyday. I can't wait to watch her learn how to play with her toys, and how to read and all about the beautiful things God has created for her to enjoy. Likewise, I think God delights in watching me grow and learn, and showing me the beautiful things all around me-even though today my understanding is limited.

         Becoming a parent has changed my perspective and continues to change the way I see God. I hope as I learn to be more patient that God continues to reveal His beautiful mysteries and to teach me the many things I have yet to learn and understand.


Seriously though, how can I be impatient with a face like this one?



 Love,
Leah

Finding Peace

               Have I mentioned how hard it is to find time to write with a teething, six-month old baby? Writing aside, it's hard to find time to do pretty much anything. I have clothes (mostly folded) still sitting on our borrowed love-seat waiting to be put away- need I say this is week two and they have been cycled through twice now without finding their homes? Yet, whereas a year ago this would have driven me crazy due to my obsessive drive to have my life perfectly organized-today I'm learning to find peace and a simple joy amongst the chaos.

             Life is pretty quiet lately. I sleep (kind of), eat, change diapers, laugh often and walk around the block several times a day. My life is pretty predictable on a day to day basis. Last month, this drove me to tears and in frustration I cried out to God looking for more substance in my daily activities. Instead, He gently took me by the hand and opened my eyes and heart to the incredible journey I was walking everyday. I'm learning. I'm learning a lot, about a lot of things. I'm learning to laugh again; finding joy and peace in the little things everyday. I'm learning to sing-praises echo forth in the midst of the white noise that surrounds me. I'm learning that being a mother is much harder than I thought it would be, but it is also so much more endearing and fulfilling than I ever imagined. I'm learning that being a wife that honors both God and my husband isn't always natural- it takes work, patience, selflessness, and passion. I'm also learning that God is greater than the odds-He is bigger.

           I'm starting to see my life through eyes that have been blind only to begin discovering a light, colors and beauty I've never before seen. I've changed. Life has changed me. Between the circumstances that Alex and I have faced, both intended and unexpected, God has shown me things I never understood before. One phrase comes to mind: God is bigger. He is always bigger. When I don't understand, when the world says it's impossible, improbable, against all odds, God is bigger. He is bigger than reason, reality, and the things that simply make sense. When I we wonder how and why, He is bigger still. There is nothing in my life or in this world that He is not bigger than.

           I'm finding peace. I am learning to embrace where I am in my life and to delight in the simple beauty of motherhood, being a wife and falling in love with God all over again while trusting that whatever we face or whatever bizarre circumstance we go through God is bigger still.

     

     

I Am Like An Israelite

 There are days when the whole world seems to be spinning out of orbit around me. I sit here with a baby finally asleep in my arms, listening to the chaos surrounding my simple days- and yet the chaos has nothing to do with me. It’s like sitting on the side of a highway watching life and loved ones fly by without a second glance. Everyone is off saving the world to some degree, while I sit by the road side as my baby screams herself to sleep again and I am helpless to do anything to change that. 

       

         Confined and unable to leave the house for more than a walk around the block, in a daze I watch my days come and go with few memories and little to say about them. I love being a mom and watching my daughter grow, but some days it is so hard to watch everyone busy and about- to see the world alive and thriving simply to be stuck in a house filed with pandemonium and commotion. It is amazing that though I am surrounded by people more than not, I sometimes feel more alone than I ever have. 

         Whichever way the waves crash so my boat is thrust about, though I am still and my feet are grounded, the sea in a reckless frenzy throws me about like forgotten wreckage. So are my days in this house. With a baby at hip and my feet tracing my previous steps again and again, I wonder has it been another day again? Is it morning yet? Or is this just one day that will never end?

As these thoughts pulse through my heart and race through my mind, I am simply reminded of the Israelites. They were given manna at their cry for food, and water when their throats were parched, and when they grew weary of manna, God opened the heavens and quail landed at their feet. Yet they complained- they were still ungrateful. God has given me a child and a husband both who love me. He heard the cries from my heart and implored His ear unto my prayers and with mercy and grace poured blessings upon my head. And still I here with quail and manna on my tongue and weep for the things which are yet to come in later days. Ungratefully I ponder my sorrows, and with lonely days I hold the blessing of God in my arms and pray for something more. 

           He should send venomous vipers to bite me in my sleep as He did to the discouraged people He blessed and showed mercy too. I have such a wicked heart. My heart betrays the Lord even when He has blessed beyond what I deserve. I need to turn my heart to God and bless Him in the midst of these quiet days. Praises and worship should sound from my mouth in all things. 

           As I sit here quietly, while my baby sleeps- as the ones I love rush about and go from here to there, will I sit and let the quiet days fill me with peace and stillness? If I am perhaps the Lord will speak and fill my heart with deep and refreshing thoughts of Him. If I seek Him in all things and listen as the world goes by, I know will be filled with peace. Why then is it so hard just to sit still?  How often do I have a season of quiet days to simply sit and listen to the Lord? Will this season of lonesome days be filled instead with love and the Spirit of God? Will I be able to make the choice to let songs of joy and praise surround me and overflow from me?

God has given me His Spirit. He has raised me out of the mire and called me to Himself. Surely He will help me turn my heart to Him and let the chaos around me become a distant friend, instead filling my heart and days with deep thoughts and revealing the mysteries of His Word to my wondering heart. The world around me will become like white noise, I will sleep with a smile on my lips and with a song in my heart and rise with joy to the wakeful laughter of another day to hold and treasure as my baby grows and thrives before my eyes. Is there nothing more delightful than finding peace in the Lord and precious riches like buried treasures in the light of every new day? 

And so I am learning to embrace motherhood on a whole new level- to soak in the simple days and hold the quiet moments like precious jewels and priceless treasures. 

    Love,

        Leah

When Love Is Work

          It's been a long time since I've written last. I regret that I haven't made more time to write and share what God has been doing in my heart and life and the road He is taking Alex and I on. Writing is an important part of stress relief for me and sharing and meditation on what God is doing in me day to day forces me to commit my heart and thoughts on Christ rather than the chaos that surrounds me. Therefore I am honestly trying to make journaling and writing a priority again. Even if all I manage are a few scribbled sentences in my neglected journal prior to surrendering to sleep.

       I've been thinking a lot lately about what God is speaking to me and showing me. It is so easy to get caught up in the emotion of everything going on in this whirlwind of a corrupted world, that I catch myself overcomplicating overthinking things that are really very simple. The first is love. I'm not one to normally hold grudges, or to struggle forgiving or letting go, but these last few months have really thrown me through the wringer. I've had anger and bitterness in my heart. I've struggled day after day to understand why I'm so angry that I can't just let it go. I made excuses, explained away the circumstances, but none of that changed how deeply I hurt and how wronged I felt, which continued to fuel my anger and frustration.

       The truth is that Love is simple. I am telling myself this again as I write it because it is not always an easy thing to embrace. Love is putting someone else first above yourself- above myself. It's not about the way I feel about someone, or what they do to me, or how I deserve to be treated by them. It is simply self-sacrifice. Jesus understood that better than anyone else ever did. I am constantly finding that I have to take myself back to the gospel and remind myself what Jesus endured for my sake and your sake. It was not easy, but it was simple. As puny, arrogant, evil little humans mocked, beat, and abused the Son of God He still loved us. As He hung on the cross dying for us, He loved us. He endured so much more than I will ever be faced with simply for undeserving love. I'm not supposed to give love to those who earn it. It is a gift to give freely, consciously, always without exception.

         Whether I've done anything wrong myself or not, my angry and hurt stems directly from selfish desires. I think and act like I deserve to be treated and thought of a certain way. I put myself and my feelings above choosing to love someone first. Love does not hold grudges. Love forgives. Love does not think of it's first or put itself above anyone. I am no better than anyone else and I sin and fall short of the glory of God. This means that apart from Christ I am sentenced to death, and yet I constantly find myself trapped in a mindset of measuring my self worth and purity. This nothing. Christ and His sacrifice of love for me, is the only thing that sets me apart from the world. When I act and behave as though I'm deserving of more I'm putting myself above those who are just as I am. This is not a heart of purity or one that glorifies God.

        If I am to love, I am to put aside myself worth and cling to the hope I have in God. For if my heart is focused on Him in all things, I will find that the words and actions of the world won't capture me in the bondage of anger and bitterness. Christ should be my all, nothing men do or say can take that away from me. Who I am, and who I will become is in Christ. It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me or does to me. I'm hoping that Love will become easier with time. I hope with certainty because I have experienced the freedom of Love, to give and receive because of the freedom I have in Jesus.  


_Charlie Ann has woken from her nap, so I must go for now. But I'll write again soon! God is always working, so I'll never run out of things to write about! By for now!

Love,
Leah

When Spring Brings Healing

         Winter leaves us in a sleepy state of mind and heart. It is actually proven that people struggle with depression more in the last three months of winter then at any other time of the year. December comes and it is white and exciting, but when January rolls around; white turns to gray, snow becomes slush and the whole world seems to sleep. I think often times my life can go through seasons in likeness to the changes we see in our world. I find myself having intervals when I'm coming back to life, growing and blooming, times when I'm active and running around with determination and conviction, times when I'm slowing down and getting comfortable, and then I certainly have moments when I feel like my spirit goes into a state of hibernation; often leading to depression. In the midst of these last several months, winter has settled deep in my soul, burying me in a sedated mess of sluggish emotions.

         I've struggled off and on with depression for most of what I can remember of my life. There have been times when I needed to seek out help, and then times where I would loose myself so much that God would have to pick me up and out Himself because no one else was able to do the job. I am not sure why depression has been something I've always struggled with; but it is my thorn and whatever the reason, it is something God has had to work me through over and over again. This past season has been no exception.

       In the time we lived in Maine, God took me through a pretty serious process of identifying and admitting to myself the source of a lot of pain I've buried and left untouched through my childhood and adolescence. Not only has He brought out of me some painful memories and emotions, but He also has shown me the danger of allowing myself to burry everything from myself and the world, and how that has affected my perception of Him and of myself. I've learned that I believe and have believed a lot of false truths of myself and of who God is.

       The more I think back to our time in Maine, the more I am seeing it as a time where God isolated us from everything familiar and began challenging us and testing us in ways we couldn't have been while home in New York with our friends and family. He took us out of our comfort zone and placed us in a situation where we were forced to depend on Him entirely to help us work through some issues and strengthen us again. Maine was a good thing. God used it, and when we felt like we couldn't handle it anymore, He provided opportunity to go home and bring us back into communion with the people we so dearly love.

      I feel like Spring is right around the corner; not just literally, but also spiritually. I've had to trust God to help me work through this depression and dormant state. Not only is He bringing me out of it, but I'm arising with healing, new growth and a greater picture of who God is and who I am in Him. I'm still struggling through some things, but I see hope on the horizon, waiting for me with renewed vigor. I'm seeking out help and allowing God to take me through the process to find wholeness in Him, regardless of my weaknesses and crippled spirit. Just like Spring I feel like I'm finally coming alive in Christ again, after far too long a season of sleep and despair.

        I'm still struggling with seizures, but I hope that as God walks me through this process of healing that I will begin to see some relief from these episodes that continue to take a toll on my life and my family.


     On another note, Charlotte continues to grow strong and defy the odds set against her from day one. We are so excited to see her personality blooming and to watch her grow continually! She is so bright and happy, and such an incredible blessing. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, the grief from loosing our first two babies blinded us from any hope of having a baby to hold, and now we can watch our little girl fall asleep in our arms. What an amazing feeling! It goes to show that even through seasons of pain and frustration we have had no lack for blessings and joy.


With Love,
Leah


       

Another Season of Waiting-When Faith is Tested

           It is one thing to be 100% convinced that God is going to provide simply because He promises that He will. He tells us not to worry about what we are going to eat or where we are going to sleep, because even the sparrows are taken care of. It is an easy concept to grasp, until of course, your in a position without a job, watching your funds dwindle, not knowing how things are going to work out. It is easy to fall into the panic driven, control seeking mindset. We came to New York primarily because of my health issues, without a job, trusting that God would provide the perfect work opportunity for Alex. In our minds I think we expected to move home and that God would just drop the 'perfect' job into our laps and all our worries would be absolved. It is now two and a half weeks later we are still waiting... Now our faith is truly being tried. We know in our heart of hearts that God is going to provide something for us, but in our human control craving mindsets, we grow more anxious and stressed with everyday. There is a part of us that wants ask, "Lord, why can we not have an easy break? Just once? Today, is it too much to think that You could simply cause all things to fall together perfectly?"
          I so desperately want to believe that God has a perfect plan for our lives, but it is so hard to fully commit to heart when day after day passes by with questions unanswered, and no idea as to how things will work out in the end. On the other side of things, we have watched God provide time and time again and we know that somewhere along the way we are going to see God provide what we need. It comes down to this simple truth: we like to have our lives in control, and we don't like waiting. There is so much we want to do with our lives, and these cycles of waiting feels like our life, passions and dreams continue to be put on hold. We fall into the trap of being satisfied just surviving. There is a part of us that wants so much more out of our lives. We want to see God using our gifts in ministry, living out our passions, living deep and meaningful lives, not to be dwindling away our days waiting for things to start happening.
          Last night while sitting together praying that baby Charlotte (who is not feeling well) would finally fall asleep, we both came to a startling realization (something we both know but often forget), it doesn't matter what we do in life as long as we are doing what we can through these quiet days all for the glory and honor of God. Whether we are serving the people in our family, changing diapers, trying to put to use the gifts we have (even when we aren't seeing a profit), or working in a dream job, going across the world evangelizing, if we are doing it to the best of our ability for God then we are bringing honor and glory to God. We don't have to do anything special. We don't have to have it all in control or have all the kinks worked out. Point blank-God will provide.
        Whatever may come our way, we are anxiously waiting, and relearning to patiently trust God's timing and plan for our lives. Today we are learning how to use the time we are given and the things we have to honor God and live fully-in spite of our current situation. I am fairly certain that our faith and patience will constantly tested. I pray that God continues to teach us to let go of our drive to control our situation and circumstances, and that we learn to live everyday for Him wherever we are, whatever we are doing. Until then, we will continue to walk and learn and try (very, very hard) to trust God with the rest.

        Love,
        Leah

           

When Prayer Changes Your Life

 It has been a good month and a half since I've last written to you. This is lame sauce on my part.  Honestly though, being a new mom is not an easy adventure to undertake. I've listened to many mothers tell me that once your baby is here you won't have much time for anything. It isn't that I didn't believe them, or that I thought things would be different for my baby and I. I think I just didn't fully realize what that would entail. I didn't realize that after Charlotte was born that my meals would almost literally be in-haled as I bounced her to sleep in my arms, or that I would most look forward to my five minutes in the shower. Motherhood has been one of the most precious experiences for me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it isn't easy-it is exhausting, sometimes frustrating, I'm constantly finding bodily fluids all over my would-be-clothes, and overall it is time-consuming. My days have been filled with little more than diaper changes, burping marathons, feedings, naps, dancing in the living room to stop her little tears, and lots and lots of prayer. I love it (or most of- it poop and spit up I could do without.), it has left little time to write.

      So much has happened these last several weeks, I'm not even sure where to begin. The biggest change for us has been our move to New York. I've been having some health complications for a while and after Charlotte came, things suddenly intensified to the point of needing constant supervision on my part. There was fear that I could potentially drop my sweetheart, and no one wanted to risk that. So almost overnight I was being 'mommy sat' constantly. My mom actually came up from New York (note that she has 6 other kids at home, but still came to help me for which I'm so thankful) and staid with me sleeping on an air mattress for 5 weeks while we worked with doctors to figure things out. After two weeks and a couple consults with my doctors and a specialist it became very clear to us that there would be a long-term need for support and help as I worked through my health issues. After praying and thinking long and hard, Alex and I came to the conclusion that the best thing for our family would be to move in with my parents in New York while we work through this process. So over the last three weeks we packed up and moved back to my home town.

Valentines Day

     There is such a huge part of me that is so relieved to be back home with my family and friends, but that aside I cannot deny the shame and frustration I feel due to the fact that I can't be relied on to take care of my own baby and my husband. All my life I've dreamed of being a mom and a wife, and now that I am wearing both shoes, I find I have to rely on other people to help me for the sake of my child and husband. Shame- it isn't an easy thing to deal with. I know that God has a plan for our family and that He is walking with us through these health issues, but I cannot deny the fact that I feel like less of a person, mother, wife and friend due to my health and emotional needs. I wanted to be a super mom. I wanted to do it all, but instead I am struggling to lead a semi-normal life. When Alex and I first got married we both prayed a prayer that we believe has drastically changed our life together- a prayer that proves God hears and answers us when we pray. It was a simple and an honest desire, but we didn't realize then the impact it would have on us. We wanted to live out a life that wasn't easy or normal- we wanted to struggle and constantly be challenged, we wanted God to strengthen us and perfect us, we wanted to live a life that God could work through; not finding comfort and ease where we could forget the gravity of our walk with the Lord. God heard us that evening. Since that day we have had nothing less than a walk filled with trials and tribulations. Normal? Haha, not at all.

Kisses for the baby

    Even though we wouldn't change a thing that we have gone through and endured, it's no secret that it isn't easy to walk in joy, peace and faith. We have cried, been angry, and questioned more in the last year and a half than we have in our entire lives. God took seriously our desire to grow and understand Him more. This struggle with my health and the journey we are walking through the process is just the beginning of Him working in our hearts. We are stumbling through day by day all the while praying for some clear direction. Somehow things always work out, and I know in the end we will only be stronger and have a clearer picture of who God is.

      Long story short, we are fully moved into my parents house. Alex is looking for a job and we are trusting God to provide something for us, and I am starting to move forward to find healing and to get our life somewhat back together. I want to be the best mom that I can be, and I'm learning that even if I have to struggle with health issues the rest of my life, amidst the shame and feelings of failure, God will help me be a mother to my daughter and a wife to my husband. As we get settled I hope to write more and share more of what God is teaching me as a wife and mother.

Love,
Leah

When Charlotte Came

         It is no secret that this pregnancy has been filled with trials and complications, or that we wondered for a while whether this baby would make it full term-if we would loose it before we had a chance to meet it. Charlotte has been defying odds from the moment of her conception. Just days after we discovered that we were pregnant the doctors were concerned that we could be loosing her. After weeks passed and multiple sonograms and a lengthy time spent off my feet, we had hope that maybe just maybe she would make it. She was a fighter; 5 weeks turned into 14 weeks and before we knew it we were in the second trimester, off of bed rest with most of our fears resolved for the moment.

       Then came 16 weeks and suddenly things weren't looking good for her or myself. I was restricted from most of my activities again, and prayer was reinforced full fledged. It felt like every minute we turned around there was something else threatening the life growing inside of me. When one problem was resolved another one approached us from behind another pivotal moment.

       More than anything in the world, we just wanted to see this baby safe and healthy but after being told at 28 weeks pregnant that we could give birth to a very premature baby, our hearts dropped and we prepared for the worst. Family, friends and strangers lifted us up in prayer, and Charlotte's name was being whispered to the heavens through the hearts and well wishes of people we hoped she would grow to meet and know.

      It became a day-by-day waiting game. We were in the process of switching doctors and were becoming very frustrated with the doctors we were seeing. It felt like these new doctors weren't taking us seriously, or giving our babies life much thought. After multiple trips, and rescheduled appointments  we finally met with a doctor for a consult and immediately felt a difference. For the first time a doctor was taking my health problems seriously and was working to prepare us for the worst. We requested a transfer to their office and we were taken under the wing of this doctor. We finally had some hope for our daughter regardless of what happened in the next few weeks.

      We were in and out of the hospital almost weekly with premature labor, but with medication and prayers Charlotte continued to grow strong and healthy inside of me. At 35 weeks I started having consistent contractions 10 minutes apart and began slowly dilating. I was officially in pre-labor and we knew that we would finally be able to hold our baby soon. The week felt like it went on forever. Every moment we wondered how we would know it was truly time and then there was the fear of making it to the hospital in time to deliver via c-section like we had planned. It was to the likeness of standing on pins and needles.

       Finally monday came, and that night we knew something had changed, so we promptly made our way to the hospital for what we hoped was the last time being pregnant. They kept me overnight with contractions every 5 minutes apart as I started to dilate a little more. But after not seeing much progress in the labor they sent us home 14 hours later. The next three days were the longest days I think I have ever endured. The labor wasn't progressing enough to pursue our c-section, but it was present enough to keep me from sleep, leaving me exhausted, anxious and impatiently praying.

      With a major snowstorm headed our way and the trip to the hospital already being long and precarious from our little home in the woods, both Alex and I were worried about how quickly we would be able to make it to the hospital should the labor begin to progress. Our biggest fear was that we wouldn't make it to the hospital on-time. After all of the trips to the hospital hopelessness began to set in. We had reached a point where we were sure that I would simply continue at this stage in labor for the next three to four weeks until we reached full term. We began to convince ourselves that the time was not coming.

      Wednesday we made our way to the doctors for a follow-up appointment. Our doctor was on vacation for the week so we were seeing another doctor from the office. We waited for a good 30 min in the waiting room during which my contractions suddenly became increasingly more frequent and sever. When they finally brought us back to a room we sat for another lengthy time waiting to hear where we were in our laboring. When the doctor finally came in, it was only a matter of minutes before it was evident to her that my water had finally broken and we needed to do the c-section that day!

      I have never been so excited to hear that someone was finally going to cut me open (while I was fully conscious) and pulling a living human being from the depths of my womb. All fear of the operation, and the anxiety for Charlotte faded away and the reality that we were going to actually get to hold our daughter overwhelmed us. Just when we had convinced ourselves that this moment would never come, we were sitting hand in hand daring to believe that everything was going to be just fine.

     After a few minutes the doctor came back in the room to inform us that my doctor had stopped in the office and heard about our situation and wanted to do the c-section himself- on his vacation. Alex and I were overwhelmed. We couldn't believe what we were hearing. We were rushed over to the hospital and suddenly we hardly had a moment to breathe or truly think about what was going to happen.

   The operation was scheduled about an hour and a half to two hours later, but the process of getting ready stole the time and ran with it. Before I knew it I was sitting on the edge of a cold blue table with 5 to 8 nurses around me, a needle in my back and the world rapidly spinning around me. Alex was waiting outside the door dressed in blue from his head to his toes (very sexy by-the-way) but all I wanted was his hand in mine whispering sweet-nothings in my ear, letting me know I was going to be alright.

       Surgeries are never easy- always filled with anxiety, and tummies fluttering with enough butterflies to fill a sanctuary. The fact that I was about to be sliced and diced didn't manifest until the spinal had set and I slowly began loosing feeling below my head- where upon my world frantically began spinning until Alex walked in. His eyes met mine and all butterflies fluttered away as though a breeze had come and carried them away. Fifteen minutes later a little cry rose above the chatter of the doctors and nursing staff.
     
       I don't know if there are words to describe the moment I heard her cry for the first time. Joy, relief and love are possibly the only words needed. Tears spilled down my face as Alex took his daughter into his arms for the first time. Immobilized, I laid on the table while I listened to my daughter; never has the tears of a startled child sounded more like music then the moment I realized that the baby we have been praying for and dreaming of was alive and well.

      Alex and her nurse brought her over to me, and I stared into the face of the most beautiful, peaceful baby I had ever seen. With a head of thick dark black hair, and petite perfect features I was looking into the face of my daughter. I was taken aback by her beauty and her serene demeanor. At four weeks premature, she was healthy and more perfect than I had ever imagined possible. As she was taken away to the nursery while I was being put back together all I could do was pray and praise God for the miracle that had taken place. I am fairly certain that my heart was not the only one singing, but that the voices of the angel harmoniously fell on the ears of the Lord that afternoon.

     Charlotte Rae Ann was born on Wednesday the 11th, of December, the year 2013, at exactly 2:00 pm, or 1400 hours. She weighed 5 lbs. and 7 oz. and measured 19inches long.


       There is truly no way to fully share the experience of having your child in your arms for the first
time and I cannot thank my family, our friends, and everyone who has come along side us during this journey. This has not been an easy road to travel; there were many days we wondered if we would make it to the moment we held her in our arms and kissed her face. The prayers and encouragement we were surrounded with had an incredible impact on us and I choose to believe on Charlottes little life.

      We cannot wait for her to meet her family and our friends and church family. We hope that she continues to grow and thrive on all of the prayers and positive relationships around her. Thank you all so much for everything!!!

Much love,
Leah

       

A New Home!

Our family room

          We finally did it! We are in our own home, mostly unpacked and ready to bring home our little girl! There are no words to express the relief and joy of having a place to call home again. Though we are beyond thankful and blessed to have family to lean on through the last few months, we are so happy to go to bed in our own room, with the silent wonderment at the stillness of our new dwelling. We know that this is just the beginning to a new journey, with new struggles and trials, but for today we rest in peace and with hope in God for whatever awaits us down the road.

We have beautiful big windows and sky lights that let in light

           Charlie Ann is still snuggled up inside my womb growing stronger with everyday. According to my doctor we are now out of the water, and if she were born today she would have half the fight to grow and mature those little lungs! He thinks I have a good chance of going full term at this point. Though we never know the timing and plans of God. My family is coming for three weeks hoping to be here for the birth. I hope they don't have to  go home disappointed, but I cannot deny that I trust God with the timing of all of this!

Our couch has long been missed! Many naps await in the future.

        I am so excited to see all of my siblings and my parents again. I miss being involved in their lives, and being close enough to stop by. Here we were prepared to spend this holiday season without the blessing of sharing it with them, and now God has opened a door and graciously blessed us with an opportunity to share more than just a weekend together. I am so overwhelmed by all that God is doing in our lives. I know that these next few months will be far from easy, especially for my hard working husband, but I look forward to watching God continue to provide for us and blow us away with His gracious, merciful love!


Here are some pictures of our new home! I can't wait to bring Charlie Ann home. I finally feel like we have an appropriate place to bring her home too!

Charlotte's changing table/dresser. 

Rocking chair for Charlotte! 

A window seat with a gorgeous view! 

Beautiful dinning room! 

A kitchen of my own again! 

There are so many wonderful nooks and crannies.

My own laundry room! 

Charlie's little bed! 

Ready with essentials for midnight feedings.

Our own bed again! With two big windows to look at the stars! 

               We are in love with our new home. There is more space than we know what to do with! Our landlord is a believer himself and has been more than accommodating to us. God has blessed us above and beyond anything we could have expected, we can only hope we can use this blessing to bless other in our lives now. 

             So now we just wait and pray for the day we can bring our baby home, and begin this next part of our journey together. 

Much love to all,

Leah

How Time Flies

            Only 10 more weeks until Charlottes due date!! Every day we get closer and closer to her impending delivery, and every day she is a little healthier and more stable should she indeed come early! As Alex and I prepare to move into our new little home in the next few weeks, we are beyond thankful with how God has protected us and provided for us! He really does have the perfect timing for everything. As much as we worry about our finances and the little things in life we cannot control we are blessed over and over again watching God open doors, and provide exactly what we need when we need it. I am so glad that we are not reliant upon ourselves.

             It is difficult for us to comprehend the fact that we are already approaching the beginning of November. It has been a long summer in many ways, but at the same time the days have flown by. At the beginning of this summer we weren't sure how things were going to work out with Alex's job, my health, our housing. We were certainly ill prepared for the complications we have had through the pregnancy, and the majority of unexpected expenses, or what doors God would open for us in Maine. We struggled spiritually, and emotionally but through it all God has blessed us above and beyond what we ever expected. We are growing everyday, though more than naughts it feels like we are back-sliding  down a muddy incline, only to wake up one day and suddenly see the sunrise over the mountain top. One of our greatest struggles this whole past year has been trying to figure out what God wants us to pursue and where He is leading us. We still don't have a clue, but we are realizing that we don't have to have it all put together and perfectly planned. All we can do today is give our best, work hard, pray for guidance and trust that God's plans are beyond our understanding.

           Since we learned that we were expecting our little girl, our perspective on life has completely changed. Part of us felt like we had to have everything put together, perfectly planned, all the wiser, organized, and matured by lengths we have yet to know. In so much, the first several months preparing for our baby we felt so hopeless; that our baby girl wouldn't have the parents we thought she deserved, that we would never measure up. We were already prepared to surrender as failures. Since then however, God has been teaching us and preparing us through the wisdom of friends and family and we are slowly accepting the fact that it is okay to be unprepared, naive and students of godly perspective. I assume that first time parents often feel that they have to 'perfect parenting' right from the get-go. We felt like we had to have all the answers, the perfect career plan, and the perfect home for our little girl.

         We will never have all the answers, and we will always have new things to learn, and we will inevitably fall short again and again. All we can do is give our very best, pray, pray, pray and pray!!! We are so excited to learn and grow and we are blessed to be able to walk through it together. Within the next few months our lives are going to pivot and completely change as we go from newly weds, to inexperienced parents! We finally feel ready. We are so ready to hold our baby girl and get in the grove of parenthood!

Love,
Leah

One Day at a Time

          I go to bed with a whisper on my lips, holding the precious life within my ever swollen belly, thanking God for one more day where she would be safe in my womb and praying for another night to rest in the peaceful bliss of pregnancy. In these last few weeks the true beauty of pregnancy has resonated deep in my heart. So often in the midst of restless nights, frequent trips to the bathroom and the moments when I am convinced I cannot keep my lunch down a moment longer, it is easy to loose sight of the precious miracle growing inside of me. The beauty of love does not lie in the self gain of a friend, lover or child; the things or benefits you gain out of that relationship. The true beauty of a love story is nothing less than the sacrifices and selfless demonstration of giving ourselves for the sake of our loved one without a thought or hope of receiving anything in return.

        Nothing is more lovely than watching a mother suffer joyfully for her unborn babe. The glow of pregnancy is simply a myth. People say it to make the barfing, swollen, sweating, man portion eating, and fainting woman and a half feel better. A true glow comes from the things we willingly sacrifice for the sake of the life within us. Realizing that I would go through anything in the world to see my daughter come into this world safely, has helped me understand the kind of selfless love that God had for us when He sent Jesus and watched Him die a horrific death and pay the penalty of our sins for our sakes. I don't love the pain and discomfort that has come with this pregnancy, but I do love that everyday I have the opportunity to sacrifice myself for my daughter. I would rather endure painful contractions, and horrible procedures on a regular biases for the sake of ensuring a healthier life for my little girl than to watch her struggle to grow and thrive. 

        These last few weeks have been long and stressful, but full of life and beauty as well. Our beautiful daughter is still snuggled safe inside me and doing so well! We have had the opportunity to see her in multiple ultra-sounds and got some incredible pictures of her little face! We also learned that she has a full head of hair already! I am doing okay for right now, though I am being watched very closely by my doctors. As of today things are looking well, and we pray for another day! God certainly has a plan of His own regardless of what we believe could happen in the next several weeks. What ever may come of this situation we do trust that He has a hand over us and is holding our baby in His safe embrace.

       My husband and I have been so incredibly blessed by the encouragement and prayers we have received through the last few weeks! It is no doubt that God uses the words and prayers of His disciples to move in the lives of others! God has been using each and everyone of you to help Alex and I through this, we cannot thank you enough.


Love,
Leah
     

Praying For A Safe Arrival

              I had my prenatal check up today, along with a precautionary ultrasound. Unfortunately, things are not going as smoothly as we have hoped they would. Charlie Ann is a very healthy active baby girl, weighing and measuring in the 49 percentile (a perfect little baby, but not too small) with a fabulous heart rate! However that being said my doctors have discovered symptoms that seem to threaten a preterm labor and delivery. We already knew that I was at risk for delivering early, however I never had any symptoms or signs confirming that I was threatening an early delivery. While we are very relieved to see such a healthy baby, we are very concerned about delivering too early. At this point in the pregnancy the chances of her surviving are above the 90 percentile, but that does not mean that she won't be facing a battle to thrive. Born too early, her lungs wouldn't be fully developed and she could have health problems that effect her through her lifetime. That being said, we know that nothing is impossible with God, and so we are asking that our friends and family pray for Charlie Ann. We are working with some great doctors, and we know that we are getting the best health care that we can get through this journey, so we need to leave the rest of it with God. We should know some more details next week when we go in for another ultra sound.

                 For now I am on partial bed rest again. I can walk to use the bathroom and get myself food, but I am not allowed to walk more than I need too. I am praying that God gives Alex and I the peace of mind and heart that we need to walk through these next several weeks. We are moving in a few weeks but with the complications we are having we are concerned about leaving me alone as much as I would be with Alex's work schedule. In any case, God has provided everything we have needed so far so we are going to try to trust that He is going to continue to provide! We are so thankful that we are surrounded by family who are willing to help us.

                Thank you all so much! We love you guys and hope we won't be sharing the news of Charlottes arrival too soon!


Love,
Leah

Highlights

       

We are now 27 weeks pregnant with our beautiful little girl! Next week we are going in for possibly our last ultrasound before she arrives. It is hard to believe it has already been almost 10 weeks since our last ultrasound when we learned we were having a little girl- a moment that will not soon be forggotten. Realizing that we were actually going to be parents to a little human was not an emotion that can easily be described with words. Discovering that we were going to be parenting a little girl took that reality to a whole new level. As I started dreaming of hair bows, frills, and tutus, Alex began planning his strategy for dealing with potential dates and boys of interested as she gets older. 

                       Charlotte at 18 weeks                              Our Gender Reveal picture at 18 Weeks

         

              This past summer has been filled with first time experiences for me such as my first trip to a Six Flag's park with Alex's family (Not that I could ride anything, but the adventure was fun non-the-less), and going on a Whale Watch out at sea. One of the most unusual but invigorating experiences of the summer was the 10 days we had a Japanese exchange student stay with us. We learned so much about Japan and his culture, and thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him and being a part of exposing him to some fun American experiences. We also enjoyed the summer in Bar Harbor, exploring the scenic beaches and ocean outlooks, to walking the crazy tourist ridden sidewalks of the downtown strip.

        Alex worked (and continues too) work very hard, long weeks! But he seems to enjoy working with the people of Bar Harbor for the most part, and gives a great tour of the town on the carriage rides. I ended up being given permission by my doctor to work, and I was instantly hired as a babysitter by an incredible family with two beautiful children who ran a bed and breakfast in town. The Ivy Manor Inn is one of the most beautiful Inns I have ever seen, and the owner equally passionate and caring hosts. After a few days, I ended up taking a second position as a hostess in their restaurant as well. I was blessed with an incredible family who bent over backwards and tailored the positions I worked to meet my physical struggles. I have never met any family so gracious and forgiving! It was a blessing to be working at the time that I was, for not a few days afterwards, Alex was out of work for a knee injury. With the extra income we just made it through the month! God always provides, as He proves again and again to us.

    In September I was given the opportunity to go down to New York for a baby shower and to visit with friends and family! My Aunts came up from Pennsylvania with my little cousins, whom I hadn't had the opportunity of seeing for well over a year. My talented Aunt Jenny made a beautiful cake for my baby shower! It was one of the most stunning cakes I have ever seen! The baby shower had a huge turnout. I was so overwhelmed by all of the love and celebrating of this beautiful new life growing inside of me. I know there were still several who weren't able to make it to the shower, but I have never been so assured by the friendships God has blessed me with over the years! I can't wait for our daughter to grow up meeting and having relationships with all of these incredible people! 

Alex and I were truly blessed by all of the gifts and we can't wait to share pictures of our little one using each and everything that was given to her with so much love and well wishes! I wish I had more pictures from the shower, but unfortunately I don't at this time! But see how gorgeous this cake was!! 

I had so much fun spending time with my Mom and Dad and my 6 incredibly fun siblings. I got to go shopping with my sister, and my mom. I got to spend time catching up with the little ones! And I got to celebrate my littlest sisters 10th birthday and my brothers 17th birthday while I was there! I also got to spend several days visiting with some of my best friends! I also had the first sleep over I have had in many, many years! Funny to think that in just a few months I'll be a mother and delegating sleep overs for our little girl as she gets older.

            As much as I loved seeing all my friends and going home for a long weeks, it was the first time I've been away from Alex since we've been married. Pregnancy does a lot to a woman, and having a husband to share all the worries, aches and pains, and nightmares with is a small comfort to a hormone raging individual. Needless to say, I missed him more than I thought possible. We are both fairly certain that neither of us will be up to another long week away from each other like that for a long while. On the bright side, I've never been more excited to see him by the time we were finally together again! I am pretty sure we slept holding hands that night. :)

           On the topic of strange things pregnancy does to a woman, one of the most embarrassing experiences I have had so far has been the occasional incident of wetting my pants. Over the last week I've had far more little accidents than I ever thought possible for a grown woman. That is one symptom I did not expect from this pregnancy! I haven't had as many cravings as I thought I would. My biggest cravings have been Maple smoked bacon, Lasagna, Locally made Maple Popcorn and cinnamon donuts. I am also not as hungry as I thought I would be. More often than naught, unless food is brought up I forget to eat. My dreams have definitely taken a turn for the worst. Vivid doesn't even come close to describing the intesity of my dreams. Pregnancy can be the only possible explanation.

       Over-all the pregnancy itself has been so easy! I love being pregnant, I love watching my belly grow. I love the fact that Charlotte flips and summersaults as soon as she hears her daddies voice. I love the fact that I can't sleep through a night because she dances her best in the stillness of early morning. I love that I never had morning sickness, and my acid reflux has gotten so much better instead of worse like we anticipated. I have only had more and more energy so far. (I know this won't last, but I'll take it while I can.) I can't wait to hold her in my arms when she arrives!

      On another note, while the pregnancy itself has been easy on me, it has triggered other problems that I have had in the past. I have had multiple seizure like episodes, which have become worse and more frequent as the pregnancy has progressed. Unfortunately, I am no longer able to work, drive, or commit to anything due to the irregularity and severity of these episodes. We are in the process of working with a specialist to diagnose and treat my case, and we pray that this problem is resolved and treated quickly. There are many things that could potential be effected by these episodes, but we are trusting God with it, and we know that He will take care of Charlie Ann and I.

      Not being able to work or do much outside of the house, has left me much time to read, write, and craft! My first big project was to make a rag quilt for Charlotte's nursery. I love how easy and fun it was and I can't wait to wrap her up in it! I am continuing to try to keep myself busy, combatting my depression and loneliness. So far I have been blessed with an uplifting week!

     

     Two of our biggest concerns coming into this winter has been finding a place to stay, and Alex being able to bring enough income into take care of us while I'm unable to work. God has gone so far above and beyond to provide for us, and we are learning that we just have to move forward trusting that He will provide and expect to be amazed again and again. Monday evening we met with a sweet gentleman with a SantaClause beard about renting a house he built many years ago that has been sitting empty.  When we met with him and asked about a security deposit (which has been our greatest struggle financially) he so graciously told us we didn't need to put down a security deposit because he trusted us. The house is set back in the woods, with a Maine coast charm. Inside exposed wood floors and beams brought back memories of the log cabins in Colorado that Alex has been so familiar with while growing up. The one bed room home is so much larger than we expected and has all of the amenities we need, including a washer and dryer! The only downfall and concern we have is dealing with the expense of heat. The rent is the most inexpensive we have found for what we are getting, and we are trusting that God is going to provide just what we need to get through this winter! We can't wait to move in to our new home within the next month!

                 Alex has also been given a second job that will become full-time with over-time the day after his position ends on the farm. We have just been blown away again and again as we watch God provide and answer our prayers! We know that as we approach the day when our baby comes into this world that our life is going to change dramatically, but neither one of us can wait to see where God is going to continue leading us as a family. We never thought we would be where we are today, so we anxiously look forward to seeing where God is leading us now.


We thank you all for your prayers and support! We miss all of our dear friends and family from New York and we look forward to sharing the joy that God is bringing into our lives!

Love to all,
Leah

Not Even Depression Can Hold Me Down

               I know it has been quiet sometime since I last worked up the courage to write. Depression is not a simple thing to work through, even as a believer in Christ. It is a sickness of the soul that eats away at any joy, hope, or self worth. After awhile everything just fades away and days begin to blend together giving little room for motivation- it is as if your spiritual self is turned over to a horrible disease known to turn you into a living zombi; your heart still beats but your emotional being is sedated leaving you unable to process feelings, thoughts or desires. I have struggled and fought against depression since I was young, but I never contend with it this badly until recently. I know that there are many people in the world who are overcome by the this soul feasting illness. I am not the first and nor will I be the last to grapple against this affliction. As I, many do not have a reason or better put, a known incident or circumstance fueling their devastated spirit. Sometime it is spiritual but often it is medically or chemically infused.

              Because of the depression, I have had such a hard time identifying with all the wonderful things God has done in my life individually, in my husband, and in our family as a whole. He has provided miraculously for us, and we are now officially at the point where we do not need financial help and are no longer dependent on family and friends to help us survive. While I can no longer work due to health, God has provided two good stable jobs for my husband. We have the opportunity to look for our own apartment or house, while trusting that God is going to continue to provide for us. I have had some answers to some of my health complications, and we are on the way to working through the remaining issues. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, and we are so close to becoming parents to our own little girl. We are surrounded by family who love and support us and by friends who encourage and love us in-spite of our always dramatic life.  While we have all of this, we realize that we are not entitled any of it. God has taken us out of mire given us a chance at a new start together with our baby girl on solid ground regardless of the struggles we honestly deserve due to our sin-inclinded hearts.

          (As I threaten death to the flies who continue to bulldoze into my head while I try to write.)

           There have been so many beautiful moments, reflections and memories through the last few months, that I have not been able to fully appreciate. I don't want to miss out on all of the joy that God has overly and abundantly blessed me with. I don't want to look back on precious moments through this pregnancy and fail to see the beauty and love in it. I thank God that through Him we have the power to overcome anything. With the encouragement and faithful love of my husband, and the Spirit of God prodding my heart, He has given me the strength to pray. Through Him I have broken those bonds of sedation, and my prayer life over this last week has completely changed. Though I have had a few bad days God has been slowly helping me work through this zombi like state that I have found myself captive too. In the last three days I have felt more joy, hope and life than I have experienced in quiet some time.

           I say all of this to encourage other women, men, or families who may be struggling against depression. You are not alone. There has been very little in my life these few months that should cause any amount of anxiety or depression, and yet I have struggle more than I ever have before. No matter what we are going through or the reason for those struggles, God is always there. I am so thankful He doesn't give up on me, and that my husband doesn't give up either. (God has blessed Alex with incredible amounts of patience and wisdom as I battled my emotions.)

           Everyday is a journey, where new trials and untold joy await. A day at a time we can get through anything as long as our hearts continue to seek out the Lord in everything.


I'll write again within a day or two highlighting some of the amazing things God has done in our life, through this pregnancy and what we look forward too over the next few months. Thank you again and again to everyone who has been praying, and encouraging me and my family. Please don't stop praying as God only just begun helping me work through this!

Much love and blessings to all,

Love,
Leah

Restlessly Resting

                    Seasons are moments in time which come and go with change and a cycle of life; giving time for growth and rest in the midst of the revolving world. For as long as I can remember I have kept myself busy. I was the nurturer, self-motivated dreamer, and go-getter of the family. I spent my days from childhood to adulthood caring for my family, dedicating my time and energy to school, and to my work; knew what I wanted and I worked and gave everything I had until I reached that goal. I don't think there has ever been a true season in my life for rest, save unless I was to find a lack in my memory. At sixteen I graduated and immediately started working full-time, applying myself to learning more of scripture and pursuing my passion of working with children. I have always been happiest while busy and actively involved in peoples lives. Since the beginning of June I have walked into an entirely foreign season of my life.

                    I have spent the past several months painfully resting from the full and expectant days I so enjoyed. As nanny my daily objectives were to serve that family in every way I could. I cooked, cleaned, and cared tenderly for the children I fell so in love with. As a wife I served my husband in any way I could, cooking, cleaning and managing our small home. As a believer and servant of Christ I spent my time and energy seeking for ways serve the church and the people He placed in my life. Everything I loved revolved around what I could give and do to serve and love. It was my expression of love, my wordless exclamation of my devotion to Christ. When the time came that I could no longer work for the sake of the growing baby in my womb, it felt like someone thrust me into a dark prison cell, without food or water, lightless and forsaken. I was being banned from expressing my love and joy to the world in the only form I had ever learned to appreciate.

                   I had unconsciously depended on serving and giving myself (whether by time, energy, money, or gifts) as a way of earning God's love. No sooner then when I had suddenly been thrust into a situation where I was forced to sit back and let other people help me, did I realize the hole I had fallen into through the years. Moving to Maine only reiterated the conviction I refused to admit. I found myself completely dependent on other people, and with the exception of Alex's family we really knew no one. I spent the first few weeks depressed and anxiously trying to find someway to 'feel useful'. I felt worthless; that I had no purpose in life any more. I struggled deeply with the notion that God hated me and that essentially He wouldn't wouldn't want me and no one else would. I realize today how entirely ludicrous my concerns were, but in the moment the concept was no less devastating.

                 Over the last few weeks I ended up in the Emergency room again several times with various health issues. Dealing with infections and illnesses that continue to reoccur creating more problems with the pregnancy preventing more and more my ability to pursue work and limiting my independence. In addtion to all the questions that were already running through my head and the insecurities I felt in my relationship with Christ, I continue to run into questions with my health, not knowing or understand why I am having the problems I am having or if there is something more serious going on underneath the surface. Questions of the babies health constantly nag at my heart, sincerely hoping that my health problems wont effect this unborn child in my womb.

                 All in all, I have realized that my understand of God's grace and His love have been completely misconstructed. With all of the change and my uncertainties I had fallen into a thought process that revealed my error. I would realized that I had ever subconsciously thought I had to earn God's love and the love of the people in my life. In that I found myself not assured of His love and promises for me and my family. In the midst of this dark moment in my life, a little light flickered and with the loving guidance of my husband and the Lord my eyes were opened to see where I had fallen.

                It doesn't matter what I do today or rather what I cannot do today, the fact that I have such a difficult time embracing is that there nothing I can do to earn the love, mercy and faithful grace of Christ needs to change. My relationship with Christ or with people cannot be dependent on what I can do and give to it, rather when seasons of rest come and I am put in a position where I am unable to give I need to learn to sit back, breathe and simply enjoy the relationships I am living in and allow God to give to me and my soul. Resting has never easy for me, for guilt is always wrapped around me, but from today onward, I am make a statement; I recognize where I am struggling and where I need to be and I making an effort to move there. With prayer and the patient guidance of my family (specifically Alex) I know God will help me get there. So for today I rest in the knowledge that God knows where my heart is and that He is going to walk each day with me.

              *As a note I do have several doctors appointments coming up to figure out what is going on with my health. Please keep the baby and myself in your prayers as we work through this, and for patience and peace for my husband as he worries and works hard to take care of us. Depression is really difficult thing to work through and I am not very good at communicating with my friends and family about where I am honestly. Please pray for me. This not something changes overnight, I need people to help hold me accountable and to encourage me.

I think of everyone often, sending you each my love and prayers!

With love,
Leah