When Spring Brings Healing

         Winter leaves us in a sleepy state of mind and heart. It is actually proven that people struggle with depression more in the last three months of winter then at any other time of the year. December comes and it is white and exciting, but when January rolls around; white turns to gray, snow becomes slush and the whole world seems to sleep. I think often times my life can go through seasons in likeness to the changes we see in our world. I find myself having intervals when I'm coming back to life, growing and blooming, times when I'm active and running around with determination and conviction, times when I'm slowing down and getting comfortable, and then I certainly have moments when I feel like my spirit goes into a state of hibernation; often leading to depression. In the midst of these last several months, winter has settled deep in my soul, burying me in a sedated mess of sluggish emotions.

         I've struggled off and on with depression for most of what I can remember of my life. There have been times when I needed to seek out help, and then times where I would loose myself so much that God would have to pick me up and out Himself because no one else was able to do the job. I am not sure why depression has been something I've always struggled with; but it is my thorn and whatever the reason, it is something God has had to work me through over and over again. This past season has been no exception.

       In the time we lived in Maine, God took me through a pretty serious process of identifying and admitting to myself the source of a lot of pain I've buried and left untouched through my childhood and adolescence. Not only has He brought out of me some painful memories and emotions, but He also has shown me the danger of allowing myself to burry everything from myself and the world, and how that has affected my perception of Him and of myself. I've learned that I believe and have believed a lot of false truths of myself and of who God is.

       The more I think back to our time in Maine, the more I am seeing it as a time where God isolated us from everything familiar and began challenging us and testing us in ways we couldn't have been while home in New York with our friends and family. He took us out of our comfort zone and placed us in a situation where we were forced to depend on Him entirely to help us work through some issues and strengthen us again. Maine was a good thing. God used it, and when we felt like we couldn't handle it anymore, He provided opportunity to go home and bring us back into communion with the people we so dearly love.

      I feel like Spring is right around the corner; not just literally, but also spiritually. I've had to trust God to help me work through this depression and dormant state. Not only is He bringing me out of it, but I'm arising with healing, new growth and a greater picture of who God is and who I am in Him. I'm still struggling through some things, but I see hope on the horizon, waiting for me with renewed vigor. I'm seeking out help and allowing God to take me through the process to find wholeness in Him, regardless of my weaknesses and crippled spirit. Just like Spring I feel like I'm finally coming alive in Christ again, after far too long a season of sleep and despair.

        I'm still struggling with seizures, but I hope that as God walks me through this process of healing that I will begin to see some relief from these episodes that continue to take a toll on my life and my family.


     On another note, Charlotte continues to grow strong and defy the odds set against her from day one. We are so excited to see her personality blooming and to watch her grow continually! She is so bright and happy, and such an incredible blessing. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, the grief from loosing our first two babies blinded us from any hope of having a baby to hold, and now we can watch our little girl fall asleep in our arms. What an amazing feeling! It goes to show that even through seasons of pain and frustration we have had no lack for blessings and joy.


With Love,
Leah


       

Another Season of Waiting-When Faith is Tested

           It is one thing to be 100% convinced that God is going to provide simply because He promises that He will. He tells us not to worry about what we are going to eat or where we are going to sleep, because even the sparrows are taken care of. It is an easy concept to grasp, until of course, your in a position without a job, watching your funds dwindle, not knowing how things are going to work out. It is easy to fall into the panic driven, control seeking mindset. We came to New York primarily because of my health issues, without a job, trusting that God would provide the perfect work opportunity for Alex. In our minds I think we expected to move home and that God would just drop the 'perfect' job into our laps and all our worries would be absolved. It is now two and a half weeks later we are still waiting... Now our faith is truly being tried. We know in our heart of hearts that God is going to provide something for us, but in our human control craving mindsets, we grow more anxious and stressed with everyday. There is a part of us that wants ask, "Lord, why can we not have an easy break? Just once? Today, is it too much to think that You could simply cause all things to fall together perfectly?"
          I so desperately want to believe that God has a perfect plan for our lives, but it is so hard to fully commit to heart when day after day passes by with questions unanswered, and no idea as to how things will work out in the end. On the other side of things, we have watched God provide time and time again and we know that somewhere along the way we are going to see God provide what we need. It comes down to this simple truth: we like to have our lives in control, and we don't like waiting. There is so much we want to do with our lives, and these cycles of waiting feels like our life, passions and dreams continue to be put on hold. We fall into the trap of being satisfied just surviving. There is a part of us that wants so much more out of our lives. We want to see God using our gifts in ministry, living out our passions, living deep and meaningful lives, not to be dwindling away our days waiting for things to start happening.
          Last night while sitting together praying that baby Charlotte (who is not feeling well) would finally fall asleep, we both came to a startling realization (something we both know but often forget), it doesn't matter what we do in life as long as we are doing what we can through these quiet days all for the glory and honor of God. Whether we are serving the people in our family, changing diapers, trying to put to use the gifts we have (even when we aren't seeing a profit), or working in a dream job, going across the world evangelizing, if we are doing it to the best of our ability for God then we are bringing honor and glory to God. We don't have to do anything special. We don't have to have it all in control or have all the kinks worked out. Point blank-God will provide.
        Whatever may come our way, we are anxiously waiting, and relearning to patiently trust God's timing and plan for our lives. Today we are learning how to use the time we are given and the things we have to honor God and live fully-in spite of our current situation. I am fairly certain that our faith and patience will constantly tested. I pray that God continues to teach us to let go of our drive to control our situation and circumstances, and that we learn to live everyday for Him wherever we are, whatever we are doing. Until then, we will continue to walk and learn and try (very, very hard) to trust God with the rest.

        Love,
        Leah

           

When Prayer Changes Your Life

 It has been a good month and a half since I've last written to you. This is lame sauce on my part.  Honestly though, being a new mom is not an easy adventure to undertake. I've listened to many mothers tell me that once your baby is here you won't have much time for anything. It isn't that I didn't believe them, or that I thought things would be different for my baby and I. I think I just didn't fully realize what that would entail. I didn't realize that after Charlotte was born that my meals would almost literally be in-haled as I bounced her to sleep in my arms, or that I would most look forward to my five minutes in the shower. Motherhood has been one of the most precious experiences for me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it isn't easy-it is exhausting, sometimes frustrating, I'm constantly finding bodily fluids all over my would-be-clothes, and overall it is time-consuming. My days have been filled with little more than diaper changes, burping marathons, feedings, naps, dancing in the living room to stop her little tears, and lots and lots of prayer. I love it (or most of- it poop and spit up I could do without.), it has left little time to write.

      So much has happened these last several weeks, I'm not even sure where to begin. The biggest change for us has been our move to New York. I've been having some health complications for a while and after Charlotte came, things suddenly intensified to the point of needing constant supervision on my part. There was fear that I could potentially drop my sweetheart, and no one wanted to risk that. So almost overnight I was being 'mommy sat' constantly. My mom actually came up from New York (note that she has 6 other kids at home, but still came to help me for which I'm so thankful) and staid with me sleeping on an air mattress for 5 weeks while we worked with doctors to figure things out. After two weeks and a couple consults with my doctors and a specialist it became very clear to us that there would be a long-term need for support and help as I worked through my health issues. After praying and thinking long and hard, Alex and I came to the conclusion that the best thing for our family would be to move in with my parents in New York while we work through this process. So over the last three weeks we packed up and moved back to my home town.

Valentines Day

     There is such a huge part of me that is so relieved to be back home with my family and friends, but that aside I cannot deny the shame and frustration I feel due to the fact that I can't be relied on to take care of my own baby and my husband. All my life I've dreamed of being a mom and a wife, and now that I am wearing both shoes, I find I have to rely on other people to help me for the sake of my child and husband. Shame- it isn't an easy thing to deal with. I know that God has a plan for our family and that He is walking with us through these health issues, but I cannot deny the fact that I feel like less of a person, mother, wife and friend due to my health and emotional needs. I wanted to be a super mom. I wanted to do it all, but instead I am struggling to lead a semi-normal life. When Alex and I first got married we both prayed a prayer that we believe has drastically changed our life together- a prayer that proves God hears and answers us when we pray. It was a simple and an honest desire, but we didn't realize then the impact it would have on us. We wanted to live out a life that wasn't easy or normal- we wanted to struggle and constantly be challenged, we wanted God to strengthen us and perfect us, we wanted to live a life that God could work through; not finding comfort and ease where we could forget the gravity of our walk with the Lord. God heard us that evening. Since that day we have had nothing less than a walk filled with trials and tribulations. Normal? Haha, not at all.

Kisses for the baby

    Even though we wouldn't change a thing that we have gone through and endured, it's no secret that it isn't easy to walk in joy, peace and faith. We have cried, been angry, and questioned more in the last year and a half than we have in our entire lives. God took seriously our desire to grow and understand Him more. This struggle with my health and the journey we are walking through the process is just the beginning of Him working in our hearts. We are stumbling through day by day all the while praying for some clear direction. Somehow things always work out, and I know in the end we will only be stronger and have a clearer picture of who God is.

      Long story short, we are fully moved into my parents house. Alex is looking for a job and we are trusting God to provide something for us, and I am starting to move forward to find healing and to get our life somewhat back together. I want to be the best mom that I can be, and I'm learning that even if I have to struggle with health issues the rest of my life, amidst the shame and feelings of failure, God will help me be a mother to my daughter and a wife to my husband. As we get settled I hope to write more and share more of what God is teaching me as a wife and mother.

Love,
Leah