2012-Thoughts and Hopes for the New Year

                    I am writing on the 31st of December- the very last day of the year 2012. As many people all over the world are spending time thinking about this past year and the mistakes and challenges they have faced in addition to the many gifts and blessings they have been given; so am I fondling over the many memories this last years has held. I can easily say without doubt or hesitation that this past year has been one of the hardest most challenging years of my life. I have experienced more heartache and frustration than any years before combined. I do not doubt that I have indeed come upon my first grey hairs due to the stress and pain of this year. There are many things I wish I had responded to better, or handled with more grace and understanding. There have been so many times where I should have trusted God with what He was allowing instead of getting angry and bitter towards Him. I have allowed un-forgivness and bitterness to seep into my heart. I think back on the past 4 months alone and within that time alone there is so much I would want to rewind and reenact.

               Loosing our babies has been one of the most difficult things we have had to work through as a couple, and for myself personally the addition of dealing with physical aftermath of the miscarriages. Loosing our first baby was hard enough, but then not even a full month later we had somehow managed to get pregnant again and lost that baby at four weeks. The second miscarriage so soon following the first compounded the pain and frustration of our losses. I have never been angry with God before, but somehow with the loss of our beautiful babies it awoke an anger towards God that I have never before experienced. It has taken me quite a while to work through the emotions and repent for my faithlessness in God's goodness and grace. I think if I could change anything over this past year it would be dealing with Alex's and my own loss without taking it out on God.

              Even though this year has been far from easy, it has also going to be remembered as one of the most beautiful and blessed years of my life. My marriage to Alex being first and foremost the most wonderful thing that could have ever happened. Even though the wedding and time surrounding was interlaced with painful family situations, I still firmly believe that Alex and I did the right thing. I would never change a day of our marriage or go back and do things differently in that regard. Alex and I have been blessed with strong and healthy marriage. God has used some incredible situations to draw us together as a couple and to Him individually. First hand we have watched God provide in miraculous circumstances. He has continuously built up our faith and reliance on Him, and though at times we have been placed in stressful situations that we have been unable to control I can vouch for Alex that neither him nor I would change the place we are in right now. I have to say having experienced first hand what it means to have little in the world, compared to the riches and beauty found in a relationship with God I would never wish for anything more than to have a rich and fruitful relationship with Him should it cost me the comfort and satisfaction of wealth in the world.

             For this year that is far too rapidly approaching, I would say my one prayer would be that God would bless my body and make it whole. My health has been a major issue over the last few years, and has created some very difficult and uncomfortable situations. I would love to be able to live a normal year without continued complicated health issues if God should so choose to bless me in that way. If not, I will continue as I have; walking forward striving with all my heart to trust Him and lean on Him regardless of the situation.
           
            I can't begin to imagine what this next year will hold. I would have never dared dream that this time last year I would be where I am today. But I find myself much older, experienced, more human, and with a greater perspective of what it truly means to follow God whatever the cost. If next year holds as much or more than this year has embraced, then I am sure I will find myself all the more wiser, weathered and grey, but with eyes that shine all the brighter with the joy and wonder of God. I sincerely know that what ever awaits me on this twisting unpredictable narrow road, God will be leading and developing me all the while. Even in the circumstances that this years has so burdensomely bestowed upon me, I wouldn't be who I am today without it. I was in desperate need of a wake up call; a true realization of what being a follower of Christ looks like in a world that is twisted and laden with sin. Only now do I have a slight understanding.
       
           Some of the highlights of this past has been the love that has grown and deepened between my husband and myself. We have had some crazy wonderful adventures this year that I will forget. I never in my short life, loved anyone with more depth or profundity as I do my husband. He is my most treasured and beloved friend and I have been exceptionally blessed with his always gracious love. I have also grown very close to several wonderful people in my life. God has simply bestowed with affection and grace the friendships of people all around us. We have been entirely surrounded with love. Love and friendship is one greatest gifts and blessing God has given us in this crazy, beautiful upside down world that we have made with our lustful lifestyles.
         
           I have experienced a lot  firsts this year as well. I went Go-Karting for the first ever, following that experience I learned that my true calling in life is to be a race car driver. But I very quickly realized that my car was not a fair opt in the case of driving like a Go-Karter. I set up and decorated my first apartment with my first and only husband. I had my first Christmas away from my family. I played Sonic for the first time ever. (Tip to wives of gamer husbands: should you rub in your winning your husband may promptly heave and sigh imploring with all frustration to play another game should he loose to you. I have found it is better to quietly say nothing at all and continue on as if you hadn't noticed.) I got married which was certainly a most wonderful first. I got pregnant which was a magical experience both times even though I ended up loosing them. I got my first Iphone. I watched my first set of twins. I saved a baby from choking which was by far one of the most frightening things of my life. I got my first kitten, who is now fat and living with my parents but will forever be fondly remembered as my Jo Jo bean. I ate at my first Japanese restaurant and ate my first scallop (it was gross) and I had my first traditional Japanese soda (strawberry)- far exceedingly the best soda I have ever had. I took my first cake decorating class, and I ate my first mustard in Macaroni and Cheese (I cannot begin to understand what my husband possibly finds appetizing in that dish). There has been so many first experiences that I can't even begin to list them all. Hopefully next year brings many more!

           I may never understand why God allows hard things in the lives His people, but there is so much beauty and hope for what is to come. That is what I look forward to. Maybe, just maybe Jesus will return next year with trumpets sounding and hosts of angels singing of the splendor of God. Maybe next year we will go home to be with God forever. I want to live as if Jesus will return any day this following year. Day by day that hope in His return will keep me walking with faith and joy whatever may grace my path next.

         Only God knows what will come and what He will bring to me this year, all I can do is hope to be further along in my faith and walk with Him than today.


To the New Year and what ever waits around the corner,

Affectionately,
Leah

My First Cake

My very first decorating experiment! I was doing pretty good until I tried to work the trim. My hand got weak. I need to build up my muscular strength.

My first Icing Decoration Experiment

 

Experimenting with coloring for icing! Using star technique and blue and yellow color! So pretty! I am having way too much fun and I only just begun! Cannot wait to see what I learn next wee

Things are Going

           These last few weeks have been quiet and calm. The same way the sea is calm and bright after a storm, so have the past few days reflected that clear tranquil water. The clouds have cleared and the sun is shining brightly upon us in favor. Alex and I have actually really enjoyed the last week. We have come together and worked through our pain and for the first time in a while we were able to rest and enjoy the beautiful quiet of a happy week. God has been so good to us.

            Alex and I have also come to the decision that we will officially be moving to Colorado come late summer of 2013. Unless God prevents us we will continue on with the intention of our grand adventure. We will be going home. Alex has a decent job waiting for him and I have a lot of nannying apportunities. By then I will have successfully completed all five courses of Cake Decorating and will hopefully try to start my own in home business depending on how well I do and the area that we will be moving to. More detail about are move will come in time. As of for now, we both anxiously look forward to our move. Though we do not refrain from admitting the loss we will feel from our friends and family in the area. Until then we want to take full advantage of the time we have here. So please come and make yourself at home with us.


            I just want to end this by saying these last few month have been more than crazy, but we are thoroughly enjoying our marriage, wouldn't change a day of anything, and are beyond happy to be married to each other. With love to all and thanks for all the prayers! God has certainly been hearing you.

Much love and thanks,
Love,
Leah


       

When I Cannot Control I Will Praise

                       Thursday October 18th was circled on my calendar- with a bright red pen the date stood reserved. I had been looking forward to starting work again after two long weeks of feeling like a prisoner of my own home. I looked forward to the day with hope and a sense of some new grand adventure awaiting me around the corner. My life feels like a story book sometimes, I never know what will happen, but something always welcomes me with open arms. A new job and family is always like a new story coming to life; there is a sense of hope and wonder at what God could possibly do with this next chapter. However I did not expect to remember the beginning as the day we lost our baby.

                   I had been anxious and worried about our baby for several days, but trying to convince myself that the few concerns I had were normal in any pregnancy. Nothing had progressed into anything worthy of alarm until that morning when in a matter of minutes I knew I was loosing the baby.

                  The day initially began wonderfully and everything seemed like it was going to be okay, until I suddenly started bleeding heavily with painful pressure and a burning sensation in my belly. After talking with my Mom and my Aunt I was able to put to rest my concerns for a while, convincing myself that it was probably nothing more than another UTI or other minor infection. It seemed like not an hour had passed when I started cramping. It came so suddenly; leaving me in terrified agony all of my insides turned and quailed and balked at the raking pain. One minute I was fine, changing diapers and praying over the child sleeping in my belly and the next I was on the floor almost unable to breath through the pain. It came in waves as I fought against it trying to feed and care for the twins. The blood kept coming and gushing and the pain was worse every time it came. I have never felt so alone, trapped or helpless. I was so scared- I knew I was loosing our baby and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

                   I pressed through work, trying to ignore what was happening- trying to make a good impression on my first day. Somehow I managed a smile and cheerfully chatter as I went over the kids day with the Mother. I honestly don't remember much of that day with the exception that I spent the majority of the evening in the emergency room in a daze trying to make sense of what was happening. My miscarriage was unusually painful and severe which made dealing with the emotions of loosing our baby a little bit more extreme. The following day I ended up trying to go back to work with the intention of acting like nothing happened. I hadn't cried all morning and as much as I didn't want to deal with work due to the physical pain and emotional status, I believed that it wouldn't be too difficult to manage. I was wrong. I didn't last but five minutes before I broke down bawling on the living room floor with one of the twins in my lap and everyone staring wide-eyed at my swollen tear filled eyes. I did not expect the sympathy and concern that wrapped my broken heart in a warm embrace. I ended up staying a few hours hoping to make it through most of the day when I was told that I needed to go back to the ER. At 10:30 I was on my way to the hospital again with my husband holding my hand and my heart.

               We spent the next six grueling hours in the hospital room, with doctors and nurses in and out- out more than in. I was scared and hurting deeply from our loss. I imagine it is hard for any woman to put into words what it is like loosing their baby that they have grown to love and spend the last several weeks dreaming about and imagining what their life will hold. I had fallen in love with our baby more deeply than I would have ever initially believed possible for an unborn child. But this baby was special (like any baby will ever be); when we had been told that there was a chance we would never be able to have a baby in the first place, then to find out we were pregnant within the first few weeks of our married life was beyond exhilarating. Not to mention the healing we had experienced from the last few months when we knew a baby was on the way. This baby was hope and healing-nothing short of a miracle. Why would God take that away from us? After everything God had already allowed us to struggle through this past year why would it be such an impossible feat to give us a healthy whole baby? When I realized what was happening to me and our baby it was like I was loosing part of myself. Our baby was part of me; growing and developing in my womb. A child made by love was inside and part of my husband and I, and now gone.
     
                   I wanted so desperately to force God to give us our baby back, but I knew it was out of my hands. I wanted to control what only God could give and take away. If there was ever a moment when I felt the most helpless and small it was the moment I realized that I could do nothing to save my baby with the exception of prayer and even then God didn't have to give us our baby. I came to a point in the midst of my grief and heartache thatI knew I had to surrender our baby to God and trust Him with her life and ours. You would think that after all the practice I have had with surrendering and being forced to trust God with my life and the ones I love that it would be easier this time. Honestly though, giving up that baby and letting go the desire to hold on to her was almost more painful than anything else I had experienced through the whole process. The peace and hope that invaded my heart afterwards made the pain bearable and for the first time I could without anger, rest and acknowledge that God had taken our baby and that someday I would meet her in heaven with Jesus.

                I know people constantly ask the question that if God says He is good, then why does He allow bad things to happen to His people. I asked that question this past weekend and the answers I received encouraged and strengthened my heart and soul. James encourages us to take heart when we fall into trials and temptations: "My Brethren count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." I know I live in a fallen world and bad things happen because we are a crooked and corrupted people, but I also know that God allows things in our lives that test us and refine us like Gold in fire. He makes us strong and builds us up in Him. Just like muscle has to be broken before it can rebuild so do we sometimes have to break before God can build us up stronger and ever more faithful.

               Even though we have struggled through this last year, God has abundantly surrounded Alex and I with friends, family, strangers and acquaintances that have encouraged us, supported us, prayed and loved us. Even though somedays it feels like we have walked through hell, we have never been happier. We are deeply in love with each other, with God, and our friends and family. Even through the bad we have been blessed and lifted up. Who are we to say we deserve any more when Jesus gave up everything for us? If God could give up His only son for us, surely Alex and I could trust Him with our little one.

                Alex and I made a decision to Praise God through the wonderful moments and the bad. We may have lost our baby for a while until we are untied, but have more to be thankful for today than we did two months ago. We are still sad and nothing will ever change the fact that we will miss our baby, but if God allowed it than we will choose to trust Him with it.


                       'I will bless the Lord at all times;
                        His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
                       My soul shall make boast in the Lord;
                       The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
                        Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
                       And let us exalt His name together.

                       I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
                       And delivered me from all my fears,
                       They looked to Him and were radiant,
                       And their faces were not ashamed.
                       This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him.
                       And saved him out of his troubles.
                       The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
                       And delivers them.
             
                       Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
                       Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
                      Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
                      There is no want from those who fear Him.
                       The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
                      But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing...'
                
-Psalm 34:1-10


Alex and I want to thank everyone who has been there for us, supporting, encouraging, and going out of their way to help us. We have never felt so overwhelmed by all of the support and love of everyone around us.

Much love to all.

A Little Big Surprise

               It is amazing to watch God work and take control of our lives. We seem to think we can control our plans and make our goals but Alex and I are learning over and over again that the more we try to take a hold on our plans the more often God takes it out of our hands. We are also learning that even when He asks us to do hard things and allows pain and suffering He always has a plan, and He always knows best. He knows how to heal, how to restore, how to lead and just what we need. These last few months have been beyond challenging- testing our faith, devotion and commitment to His leading. We have struggled with one tribulation only to run into another. Most days it felt like we were drowning under the weight of our convictions, wondering if we would ever get through the pain and doubt, over the sickness and infections. But we did. And God allowed one of the most beautiful things in the world to bring healing and restoration within our families.
               
                   When Alex and I took a stand a few months ago for what we believed in I never imagined that God would use this to bring healing and health. We never dreamed of being blessed with such a gift so early in our marriage. But God knew that a baby would make the difference. Our Lord and Savior said "Trust Me and walk down this narrow road and I will be with You all the way.". Just a month and a half in our marriage in the midst of sickness and infection; against every odd we conceived a child. In my womb a baby (or two) grows and matures and everyday I am amazed.
                 
                  We found out this past Saturday and we still can't believe that this is real. It is a beautiful dream become real. We just pray that we can get through the critical months without a miscarriage. The next two months will be like walking on glass praying all the while for the life of our baby. Our tentative due date is June 6th! I am six weeks and 2 days today and already beginning to show even though our baby is only about as big as my fingernail and looks more like a seahorse than anything else. But I guess that is what I get for being so tiny though I couldn't be happier about showing my little baby bump already. I want everyone in the world to know. I suppose that is just the overwhelming joy of a budding Mother and Father.
                 
                    Due to all of the changes and challenges over the last few months. We are going to take our time starting up on school. We want to enjoy each other and our marriage which has been little more than a blur these last few months. With a baby on the way now we want to take advantage of our last few months of just the two of us! 

                 Today also marks the first meeting of a woman's prayer group that two of my close friends and I are beginning to start. I am sure that there will be no shortage of stories to tell with God involved. It seems to me that anytime I or anyone focuses on God in anything, somehow things start sinning around way out of control filling our lives with trials and blessings without comparison! I can't wait to watch what God will begin within our little group.

              We are so excited to be pregnant! My first appointment with my Midwife isn't until November 1st but I am sure these next few weeks will fly by! Alex and I are so excited to be parents! I find myself falling in love with  him all over again at his excitement and joy, and falling in love with our little seahorse.

            Thank you all for your prayer, love and support through the last few months! We are so excited to share our news with you!

A Week of News

                       I am sure you all are wondering what came of the appointment this last week checking for Brugada Syndrome. I am pleased to report that my Grandpa and I both tested negative! So our fears have been abated and our hearts reassured that God is certainly in control! The doctor I saw is doing a little further testing on my heart to make sure that nothing is serious, and if all of the test go negative then I have something called common fainting spells which is caused by sudden raising and dropping of my blood pressure. If I end up being diagnosed with such they can give me a medication that would help  keep my blood pressure normal, without the irregular spikes which causes the fainting.  Praise God it turned out to be nothing serious and I might actually get some help with my fainting spells! God is so good to us!

                   Amongst the tests this past week, there has been quiet a few other changes and surprises along the way. For instance I had to leave the two families I was working for and began looking for another job. Shaylan and her family were so wonderful and I miss them so much already, but I know that this is the best thing for both of our families right now. I thank God so much for the time I had with them though. I did get hired with a new family however and I start with them on the 18th of this month! I am very excited to be working with this new family, I will be taking care of beautiful twins and their wonderful big sister two to three days a week.  I have had a week off so far and I find myself going stir crazy somedays. What does one do with oneself when you are use to working seven days a week?

Alex and I are very grateful for everything God has provided for us and the answers to all of our questions!  Thank you all for your prayers and love!

We have a date!

I finally have an appointment set up to start the testing process! Monday morning Alex and I are leaving for PA! I have an appointment in Philadelphia with a heart specialist. I still don't know what kind if tests they are going to do or how long we will be there. But in any case we are on the right track and hopefully will have some answers soon! Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement!

Still Waiting...

                       It is now Monday and we are still working on getting information and scheduling testing for the possible Brugada syndrome. This process has been so much more complicated than I ever imagined it being. I found out that getting the Genetic blood work done will take it going through four different labs before it can get to a lab that can properly diagnose it, in addition to that we then have to wait eight weeks for the results. When it comes to the specialized ECG and EKG tests there is a specialist in Rochester that may be able to preformed the necessary tests, but he has never worked with this disease before. I also learned that the doctor that worked directly with my cousin who was diagnosed wants to see me herself. At first I was under the impression that she was in Philadelphia and that she would be able to do all of the tests for me right there. But I later learned that the week we would be able to go down she would be located in New Jersey without the ability to preform all of the tests I would need. The other possibility is to work with another Dr. who also worked with my cousin and the family who would be testing my Grandpa that same week. If that works out, we should be able to go down next week and get all of the tests done right there. So it really comes down to two options: either go down to PA and work with the Dr. who can do all of the tests I need and get it all done around the same time, or stay here and try to work with the specialist here. If Alex and I stay in New York to do the test the process may take longer, but we won't have to travel and we can schedule the tests accordingly. We are praying for wisdom right now in the process.

                 Needless to say this past week was beyond exhausting and emotionally trying. We have both really struggled with trusting God in our situation, but yesterday I think we finally came to a point where we could just breathe and let go of some of the worry and tension. When it comes down to it, we have no valid reason to worry or stress over the situation before God, because He is in control and our prayers do not go unheard. Faith. Everything comes down to faith. We who are so hopeless fail so often to rest in the confidence of God's almighty power, grace and mercy.

                To help relieve some of the stress and anxiety we went Mini-Golfing and Go-Karting. It was my very first experience ever with a Go Kart. It was incredible. I do believe I could be a race car driver someday. And for anyone who would care to take note: never play mini Golfing with Alex or myself! If you don't get hit with the ball, you will endure countless actions of cheating. We win...unfairly. It is a sad reality. We shared a lot of laughs, played in the arcade like little kids again, and listened to our favorite Pastor the whole way there and back. It was defiantly worth the drive!


Thank you so much to everyone who has been praying for us and encouraging us through these last few months. It has been a very long year so far and I don't know where we would be without all of the love and encouragement from our friends and family!

Brugada Update

                      It has been about two weeks since we discovered that I have a possibility of carrying the rare case of brugada syndrome. So far I have seen my one primary doctor, who is working hard to learn more about the syndrome and how to diagnose it. Just to get the genetic blood work lab has been a difficult almost near impossible feat. They can't even do this specialized test in Rochester, if that gives you any idea how rare and difficult this is to diagnose. Thankfully, my doctor is now in contact with one of the doctors who helped with my second cousin who was diagnosed with it. I won't be able to start any tests until my insurance goes through on October 1st, but we are hoping and praying that after that we will be able to get into testing quickly.

                        It turns out that I am actually dealing with all the same symptoms as my cousin who was eventually diagnosed with this syndrome so they are pressing the importance of getting and diagnose in me as soon as possible. There is still a small chance that I may have to go to a hospital in Philadelphia to get all of the testing and possible surgery. We should know more in the next few days as I work with my doctor to figure out what the best possible procedure would be.

                    Please keep Alex and I and my family in your prayers. We are trying to give this stress to God, but it is really difficult. Alex in particular is having a really hard time dealing with the stress of this.

          Thank you all so much! We will let you know when we get more information what is going to happen with the testing.

With Love,
Leah

Alex and I are officially enrolled in school! In just a few short weeks we will be beginning our online B.A. Degrees. We are so excited! Our administrations advisor is incredible. So thankful we are working with someone who cares so much to see us pursuing what we are passionate about.

Look at how messy our table is and we have not even started real course work.

Brugada

                     I saw my doctor last Monday, and praise God that I am pretty much back to my normal self. No big tests, no more worries. I do have an iron deficiency but with the supplements I have been taking I already feel a difference. I still get tired fairly quickly depending on how active I am in a day, but for the most part I feel like I can carry on with my normal life style. We are very happy and relieved!
                  However with that being said, it was just discovered that my families carries a genetic heart disease that could be fatal if not diagnosed and treated. It is a fairly new in research and not many people are aware of its existence. It is called Brugada. Thankfully the treatment is simple and solves most issues that would be related to the heart. You can read more about it here: Brugada.org . I have to go in for testing at some point, probably sooner than later. The thing is, if I have it than my Mom has to have it and my Grandpa has to have it. If all three of us have it then we will all have to undergo surgery and have a pacemaker put it. In either case- whether we have it or not- I have no doubt that God is ultimately in control and if He allows it than so be it.

               

Prayer and Thanks

                     
                     As an up date on our illness, we discovered that there was mold in our apartment, but not in the air conditioner. We discovered that our trash can was actually the source of the mold, but our air conditioner was beyond filthy with dust and dirt. So having finally figured out the sources of the pollutants we had them cleaned and disinfected, and surely within the next 24 hours we were feeling much better! We are both praising God that it was such an easy fix! He has really blessed us with a great apartment and a wonderful Land Lord who bent over backwards to help us figure out what was wrong.

                In addition to figuring out what has been going on with our illness, we also discovered on Thursday night, that I am fighting two serious infections which would have another underlying cause. So on Monday I am starting a grueling ordeal of tests, doctor appointments and praying earnestly that God would give the doctors insight into whatever I am dealing with. I am on a lot of antibiotics right now which is putting my immune system in an even worse condition. Please join us in prayer over my body, that if it is God's will that He would protect me from getting anymore illnesses and that He would strengthen my body through this process.

                  I do want to make a point to say that God has had His hand over me protecting me through this ordeal. By God's grace we felt an urgent need to go see someone and get a diagnostic over my condition, thank God we went to Urgent Care that night. If we had even waiting until the following morning I would have most likely been committed into the hospital with a very serious infection. In addition to getting us to Urgent Care that night, we had the most incredible care! I have never been so impressed with a doctor and nursing staff ever. The doctor went above and beyond in helping us figure out what was going on. After being injected with antibiotics we were assured that I should be okay with rest and the additional medications so long as I didn't develop a fever.

              I am so thankful that God has been with us and helping us through this so far and I just pray we can get some quick answers from these doctors as we work through these test these next few weeks.

             I also have to say that I couldn't have been blessed with a more patient and understanding husband. Alex has been right along side me, going above and beyond to encourage and support me. I have never felt so loved and protected. God has blessed me with an incredible husband! It is hard to believe that four years ago to the day our relationship had just begun.

Your prayers would be greatly appreciated through this next ordeal. I give my love to all and I hope earnestly that God is working and blessing you in your lives as well!

Love,
Leah
                     

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Ill...

                      It has been just about two weeks since we moved into our home. At first we wouldn't have noticed because I have some many health issues myself, except that my husband began having many of the same symptoms. For the last week we have both become progressively more ill, with symptoms growing and developing everyday. The thought first crossed our mind when the air conditioner failed to blow any cold air, as if something was blocking the way, and then when we realized that we didn't start getting sick until we started trying to use it our suspicions have only grown. Could it be that there is something in our air conditioner that is making us sick? Maybe something like mold?

            Last night we went out and bought a fan and turned off the failing room chiller, in hopes that we will start feeling better. I guess we will see through the next few days.  I know God has it in control and we will figure it out, but does anyone have any ideas as to what else could cause us to get so sick?
Some of our symptoms are sever headaches, asthma problems, aching, lightheaded, faintness, weakness, restlessness, nausea and stomach pain, trouble focusing, and slightly blurred vision.  No fevers at this point yet though so I that is good! :)

         

Pictures of our First Apartment

Here are the pictures I promised you a couple weeks ago. We are very blessed with the space this apartment offers, but even more so with the Land Lord that cares for the property. We have pretty much everything we need. It would be nice to get a desk at some point, but that is down the road. For now we have a very functional table and plenty of everything else we could need. I still have to finish hanging up pictures, but otherwise we are unpacked. Enjoy!

This is the door and then to the left is the eating area.

   This will eventually be our little office space when we get a desk. 

                                                         This is our family room

We have a beautiful window that lets in the most wonderful light!

                     You can see kitchen to the left and then the hallway to our room and bathroom.

Here is a good picture of the kitchen and eating area from our living room.

The picture on the wall was a wedding gift from my Grammy, and the cross is a gift from a wonderful woman at church. I love them so much!

A better picture of the eating area.

Our kitchen. 

Our counter space. And in the corner is my bread maker. I can't wait to use that!

Our fridge, and you can kind of see the floor. The floor looks even uglier in person but it's okay, I really don't mind. 

The hallway and a peek at our bedroom.

Our bathroom

This is our bed! I love the comforter which was another gift from my Grammy!

Here you can see the window and a nice large closet! 

We love our home. It has been so much fun setting up and making it our own place. Alex and I learned a lot more about each other through the process. Funny how the simplest things can bring so much out in a person.

Well there you have it. 

We can't wait to start having people over. 

Playing House

                  These last few days have brought fond childhood memories to mind as Alex and I have adjusted to our newlywed homemaking life together. How strange it is to be in a home that is entirely our own. I look around at the boxes still half unpacked and the piles of random clothes waiting for a place to call their own and it feels like those long days I used to play house. The kitchen is my favorite place- that is where I make meals for my husband as was my favorite part of playing house. I dreamed all my childhood of the day when I would be a wife with a husband to care for and a home to manage, but now that the day has come I stand here feeling not a day older than those blissful days of games and  pretend.

                It is funny how we look forward to and dream of something through our childhood and we have a fantasy of what it will feel like, look like, sound like, but when the day comes and those dreams take a very literal form it often times feels like, looks like and sounds like something entirely different-not necessarily in a bad way, just different and often times disappointing. It is amazing that when my focus is on the things of this world-those momentary material moments that fade away as quickly as they came-I stand to be disappointed, still feeling empty having not fulfilled the fantasy's of my heart in the depth I had imagined it to be. On the flip side, I am discovering as I often do, that the moments and desires I seek out in Christ through my walk with Him, the more blessed and fulfilled I actually am. It is a rare occurrence to have a childhood fantasy fulfilled to the depths of our hearts when our focus is on living to the fullest for ourselves. Life isn't necessarily about living to fulfill our dreams. Scripture is so clear that as believers in Christ Jesus, we are actually laying down our lives-sacrificing our dreams for the sake of Christ's Will for our lives which is clearly drawn out in the Word as living as disciples for the sake of the Gospel, to give, to love and to serve. I am finding that when I am not living for Christ as I am called to as a believer, I end up feeling more like I am playing house- living a fake artificial reality with no substance-but when I put aside my dreams of fulfilling my own desires I discover a deep and overwhelming fulfillment, encouragement and blessing in abundance. The less I expect the more I discover.


          The last few days my focus has been so much on making our home everything I imagined it to be instead of focusing on what God has given us, and the beauty in having a husband to love and care for and a home that we can call our own. Regardless of what it looks like or feels like if I can focus on where God has us today and what I can do as wife for my husband as God would desire I would find and have found such a deep fulfillment and blessings beyond imagination.

Our Wedding

  I have longed to write everyday for the last week, but to no avail. I have so much to say, so many stories I could tell. But it really all evolves around one thing-I am officially married to Mr. Alexander Jaffrey. We had a beautiful wedding in Bar Harbor Maine with a ceremony over looking the ocean and a simple but beautiful reception at Alex's parents in Maine. The ceremony and reception exceeded far beyond any expectations or dreams I had for our special day. It was small, simple and uniquely our own wedding. Saturday greeted us with grey skies, predicating a rainy forecast for the entire day, specifically for the  morning and late afternoon leading up to and extending through the evening, got for the entire extent of our ceremony and reception which was suppose to be outside. With fingers crossed and many prayers the rain held after a short sprinkle in the morning. It was grey and over cast until the very event of our ceremony when the sun broke through and shined around us as a halo of warmth and light. Durning the ceremony while fighting back tears of joy Alex and I committed our lives to each other before God and the witnesses around us, both those we knew in addition to the many curious onlookers. As soon as the vows were spoken and the rings given, the sun was whisked away behind a curtain of heavy laden clouds where we then hurried through pictures so we could get under the tent for the reception. 

I can still see his eyes as we met hand in hand before the alter. The depth of love and joy was unparalleled to anything I had ever seen or felt before. It was just Alex and I before God, blind to the world around us, standing in all glory and earnest joy while heaven's symphony surrounded us on every side. 

The reception that followed was equal in beauty and simplicity. We were surrounded by people who loved us and gave without reservation. Our Maid of Honor and Best Man were the very best that anyone could have ever asked for! Friends and family came together to celebrate and cook, clean, and set up. Angela took our pictures and Pastor Steve married us. Alex and I were blessed in more ways than we can yet count. After the wedding we spent the next two nights in down town Bar Harbor in a little motel room. It was quiet and more lovely than anything we could have asked for! 

We are back home now and back at work today beginning our life as a married couple. Already we have been put in a situation where we had needs and already God has provided more than we needed! We have food, a home and we are working on getting set up and started in school!

Thank you for your prayers and your well wishes! God has certainly heard your prayers and blessed Alex and I exceedingly!

 I have posted a few pictures, but we will have more in a few weeks, so keep your eye out for them. 

                 

What Should We Reflect

                     As our wedding day approaches I have found myself thinking often of our life as a married couple. What kind of life style should we be reflecting according to the word of God, as a believing couple compared to the reflection of most couples of the world? Where should our hearts and motives and dreams be set on? What kind of moral standards should we cling to and uphold at all cost? Some of the answers are obvious but I often catch myself and even Alex asking the question, "how much is enough to give, and uphold?" It is so easy to give as little as possible and only give what is convent in the means of time, money and energy, but how serious and how important is it to walk according to the image Christ set? What should our daily lives look like? I am realizing first hand that one of the most important things we will need to remember is that our life is not and should not be about us in a secluded individual sense, although it is vital that we give and care for each other according to the God ordained standards He set over us. But that as a couple we reflect the heart of Christ-being selfless, looking for and caring without grievance for needy and putting our heart and energy into the body of Christ- our family of believers.

                I have no questions regarding the fact that we are asked to give all of ourselves, but what will that look like for us? What will God ask us to give? Where will God lead us? There are passions that we share as a couple and passions that we have individually will God lead us according to those passions? What kind of a model will we set? How often will we get caught up in our own life and miss all of the incredible that God gives us to minister? As a wife and hopefully a mother someday, what kind of woman should I be and strive after, what should it look like in my life? What kind of people will we be giving our lives and time too? What will be my weaknesses and my strengths.

               In preparation of our life together a sea of questions, thoughts, and ideas billow around my head. There are so many possibilities and we have so much to learn and discover together and individually. It is kind of overwhelming somedays and yet invigorating filling my heart with awe and fear. I am continuing to have an enhanced understanding of what it means to fear the Lord in awe and reverence of His infinite power, wisdom and knowledge. He is endless and  His power is without comparison. The older I get and the more I learn the smaller and more insignificant I feel, the more I realize the necessity of dying to ourselves, because without God we really are nothing in comparison.

            I cannot wait to see where God leads us through the years. I want to learn, grow and mature in Christ Jesus and I want our lives to reflect Him in every area. I want to give selflessly and with reckless abandonment. Where ever we may go, whatever we may do, even if we must loose everything in the process. Pain and heartache is not always a bad thing, it refines us and produces strength and faith that can often only be discovered through trials.

       

A Week From Today and Thoughts

                We are now officially one week away from our wedding. In just a few days we will be fully moved into our apartment and on the road to Bar Harbor Maine with our two close friends. I feel so blessed, and as the day gets closer I find myself getting more excited about our marriage, if that is even possible. For a while I was afraid to believe we were really getting married and that it was actually happening, but now that we are so close it feels like reality. I can relax, all the plans are made, everything is in motion and we are moving forward.

                The idea of being a wife is such a strange concept still. I am so afraid that I won't be a good and godly wife, that I will fail to be what God intends a wife to be for her husband and family. Alex is such an incredible leader and provider, I sometimes catch myself wondering if I will ever be able to who God wants me to be for him. I know it will be a learning process, and I take heart in the fact that God has surrounded me with many wonderful godly women; such as my own Mother, my Aunts and Grandmothers, and several wonderful woman in my church. I will have no lack of godly insight and counsel! Praise God for our elders and the mature godly people in our lives! What would we do without them?

             Through the last few months I have really grown to appreciate the counsel of elders in my church. When I was younger as most others, I believed I had all the answers, but God has been faithful in teaching me otherwise. I have learned so much from woman and men that I respect and honor in our body of believers. I have been given insight into situations I would have never learned within my own understanding and insight. I now meet with a wonderful woman from my church family and I treasure those minutes that we share weekly. She is such an inspiration and challenges me in ways I wouldn't have expected. Her heart and life is such a testament of the power of Jesus she has wisdom in particular situations that I wouldn't have ordinarily expected. God has used her wisdom and insight powerfully in my spiritual walk with Jesus.

            ....wow that was a  tangent. In any case I am so excited about the wedding. Alex and I continue to discover beautiful things about each other and I can't wait to walk this road with him as his wife, even if it takes a while for me to learn to be a good wife.

Moving Day!

          Today is a sort of a milestone for Alex and I. Today we officially get the keys to our apartment and with the help of Thing 1 (My Alex's friend) will begin the process of moving in and setting up our new home. So excited! Pictures coming soon!!

Pictures From the Beginning Through Today

Where We Stand

            We are now just a few days away from our wedding and next weekend we get the keys to our new apartment in Newark, New York. So much has transpired through the last month, I really don't know where to begin. We are now getting married in Bar Harbor, Maine, and we have signed a year lease for our apartment which means that we will be in New York for a while longer. It is hard to say where God may lead us after this year. At this point I am planning on getting an associates degree online in Early Childhood Education, and Alex is planning on doing his first year at least online as soon as we can afford to start. But there is no saying where we will be after this year. Two months ago we honestly did not believed that we would be in the position in which we are today.

                My last post left us wondering how and why God had allowed Alex's knee injury. We believed that God was in it and that there was some kind of blessing involved, but we were not prepared at the time for what shortly followed due to the situation. Long story short, five weeks before the wedding my parents felt it necessary to indefinitely post-pone our wedding. They had their reasons, and they honestly believed that they were asking and requiring something that they believed was necessary due to the situation. I know it wasn't easy for them to force that on us, but as my parents they believed they were doing what was right and best for us. Before I go on, I want to make a point to say that I admire and respect my parents and I believe that they need to stand on what they believe. I can only hope that when Alex and I are parents that we will have the strength to stand for what we believe regardless of how other people see the situation. But with that being said, Alex and I did not agree with what they were requiring of us. After weeks of prayer and earnest seeking, we were convinced and convicted that we could not willingly submit under the situation.

                 That conclusion resulted in one of the most painful and crucial decisions Alex and I have ever made and had to stand on. A part of me was relieved that we had made the decision to still get married on our date, but on the flip side now I would walk fatherless down the aisle knowing the pain and heartache I caused my family. Growing up as a little girl I always had a vision of what my wedding would look like, what it would feel like, what it would sound like, the joy of friends and family in our ears filling our hearts with the melody of heavenly rejoicing. Now I simply pray that it be free of animosity and heartache. Through this situation God has challenged me to come away from the worlds expectations of us, my expectations of my ideal dream, and focus instead on Him and the beauty of Alex and I standing before a Holy and perfect God, giving ourselves to each other and to Him for the term of our short lives here. We will be going before Him as we are; imperfect, simple, joyfully surrendering all we are to the benefit of the other, coming individually to be bound in the heavenly glory of matrimony. 

It has been far from an easy decision but I have yet to feel a peace which compares to this. I don’t know where God is leading us, I don’t know why He allows certain situations and circumstances in our lives, but I am convinced that He has purpose in everything. The trails and heartaches that we feel and experience today are so small in comparison to the suffering of Jesus and the later Apostles, these small trials only draw us closer to Him and awaken a deeper understanding of His heart. He takes us out of our comfort zone and forces us to trust Him and rely on Him alone. 

This personally has been one of the most difficult struggles for me because I thrive and have grown up seeking believing that I needed the approval of the world, of my family and friends. The very moment when I am aware of someone disagreeing with something I’m doing or saying I immediately shutdown, question, reevaluate the situation and most often give in to the desires or beliefs of the people I trust and respect.  However I dread most the disapproval of my family; my parents and grandparents the most. Maybe that is part of why God is allowing this and convicting my heart over something that my family very strongly disagrees with. I have been forced to choose what I believe in; choosing Alex and God and things on my heart over what my family desires so much for me. He has asked me to trust Him through this even though I am not sure what He is doing with this situation. It is obvious to me though that He has been in this. Every detail of the wedding, living situation, work and the healing of Alex’s knee has almost effortlessly worked itself out. He has been providing in every area of our lives, bringing people in our lives who love us and support us, encouraging us as we stumbled and struggle through this. 

You know, we may be misunderstanding God’s leading in this, but something else I’ve learned through this is that I cannot be scared to make a mistake anymore. All my life I have been obsessed with meeting perfection in my life style in my heart and walk with Christ. Anyone  who knows me is quiet aware that I am very far from perfection, and if they know me well they will see that side of me that stops at nothing to be perfect. But God is not requiring perfection, He just wants us to surrender everything we are to Him, to die to ourselves and seek after Him in all things. I am going to make mistakes, and I think due to what I’ve been through this last month, I am reaching a point in my life where I have the courage to step outside of my comfort zone and trust God to lead me and not stand still because I am afraid of falling short. I am a human and I’m going to make mistakes, but let me make my mistakes while I believe I’m doing what is right and trust that God will pick me up and dust me off when I fall. 

Some of you, if not most of you, may not agree with Alex’s and my decision to get married without my Fathers blessing, but in any case, we are doing what we believe is right, and if it is wrong then I trust that God will show us someday and we will repent if that becomes the case, but today we are walking forth in faith believing in the power and love of God.  In twelve days we are going to stand before God and give ourselves away to each other and we will go in joy and peace and we will entrust our life to God whatever may await us down the road. He will be there leading us all the way. 

Please pray for us and our families as we all work through this situation. 

Sending love and prayers to all!

Love,

Leah

Blessings from God

     Nine weeks away from our wedding and sunddenly we find ourselves challeneged anew in our faith in God's power and provision. God allows things in our lives that don't always make sense; situations and incidences that throw every thought or preception of control out of the window and simply force us to trust that God has a better plan. Sometimes it isn't even that plans change, but that a blessing the birthed from a situation of need and trail.

       Tomorrow it will have been a week since the Alex's accident, and we still have no answers and no idea what this could mean for our being marriage. Alex was injured at work a week ago, and since has been unable to work and waiting for clearence from work comp for an MRI. At this time, he is stuck at home, unable to do much anything aside from waiting and praying. We have no idea how bad this could be, there could be a possibilty of surgery, or physical therapy. There is a chance by God's grace that his knee will be functioning again within a few weeks and he will be able to go back to work, but at this rate there is no saying how long he may be out of work, or how long and detailed the healing process may be. Nine weeks away from beginning our marriage and suddenly our income is cut in half, with no idea as to what the next few weeks or months may entail.

           At first, our initial reaction I admit was far from calm. We were very concerned, but then after prayer and time had passed, Alex was graced with both wisdom and insight that stilled our anxious hearts. Through the past several years, we have been through so many trails and so many tests of faith and endurance, but in every situation, especially those that caused the most fear and anxiotey, we were blessed in ways that cannot even be expressed. Alex helped me realize that we are serving a God that created the world more perfect than anything we can imagine now, a God whose  power and majesty  is  unsearchable without comparison- a God who allows trails for our growth and benifit, a God who sees beyond today and desires to bless and draw near to us. Alex asked a very difficult question when he challenged me to see things through God's eyes. He asked: "Can you believe that this is really a blessing from God and not just another situation we need work through?". 

          Out of work, hurt, disfuctional, and we needed to see God's blessing in that. God certainly is not making it easy to trust Him. He has now put us in a situation where we have to entirley trust that He will provide for us. Not just financially, but also with the work comp situation and our plans for school and moving. We are now in a situation that could make things very difficult for the next serveral months, but God is so much bigger than that.

     You know in the moment it isn't easy to trust that God has control because we can't physically see Him working out the details. But even then God has provided truth in His word that confirms His faithfulness to His believers. We are serving a God that rained food the heavens to feed His people wandering in the wilderness- there is no need to doubt the unbundance of His grace and blessings. The question now remains, what is He possibily going to do in this situation? How is He going to use this for His glory?


    All we can do now is continue to pray, wait and trust. We are choosing to believe that this situation in someway is a blessing from God. I just pray that He continues to remind us when we doubt and become anxious again.

        I do have to say in the midst of all of this, that Alex and I continue to grow closer and deeper in our bond together. This situations has only deepend our intimacy emotionally and spiritually, and that in itself is a blessing. I am so thankful to God that He has devolped this relationship between us, Alex is more of a man than I could have ever hoped for, and I've never been so happy and blessed at the idea of spending my life beside, no matter what trials we face together.

Faith Moved Our Seas

I am more than amazed when again I realize what has transpired through these last few months, startled when I imagine what these next few months will entail, and humbled when I begin to have a faint understanding that Gods plans for this fagile life are so far above and beyond what I can begin to fathom. Just over a month ago, Alex and I found ourselves desprately pleading and imploring God to interceed and give us hope and direction for our pending marriage. We believed in all sincerety that God was leading us to marriage and that the day was coming soon, we believed that He was leading us into ministry, though we knew not how would attain the schooling and training we needed and in the meantime meet all of the requirements set down before us. I still feel the strands of helplessness, and hopelessness that ate at our hearts driving us restless and fatiuged in every area of our lives. We were so deeply convicted and yet the authorities in our lives contradicted every small portion of our beliefs.I remember feeling like we drowning in a sea of violent storms, tossed against every celft and jagged mountain side of every island within sight, fighting with every small fiber of hope we had left, clinging to that unmistakable conviction so deeply set within. It took us realizing that we alone, could do nothing within God's gace to change the strom, for if God truly placed those convitions in our hearts than God alone would be able to carry us to shore. It came down to choice; we could continue to fight against the sea and storms or we could submit ourselves completely to God and trust that His plan was deeper than what we were compeled to believe. When we initially realized that God was the one who convicted our heart in the first place, the notion that He had plan for the storm no longer seemed so unrealistic. It wasn't such an impossible idea that God had a plan, and a perfect time for His plan to take effect. God continued to place people and scripture in our path daily that pressed the reality of His unending authority, and conferming the convictions in our hearts. We could not deny the fact that He was asking us to submit to our authorities, and simply trust that He would work out the details, meanwhile being prepared to reaspond to the leading of Chirst whatever the cost, the moments it was clear and undeniable that it was His will. It Is not easy to submit yourself to a person or persons when you believe with so much conviction what the Lord is asking and leading, that you are willing to pay any cost to see it through; to choose to trust God in a situation that feels hopeless and entirely helpless at times. But we realized also that God doesn't ask easy things of His people, but in every situation and circumstance His grace and strength has carried His believers through. So we gave in, we gave up fighting. And we prayed, and believed that God was going to make a way. I look back today, and I marvel at how such a simple act of obedience could be so difficult and painstaking and yet in spite of everything prove to be such a profound testament of faith and God who's grace and mercy far exceeds the pathetic expectations of a man who can not begin to comprehend a God whose power and glory we will never fully grasp. Not two weeks later God lead us into contact with a school that would be able to train us and prepare us for the ministry on our hearts, and a degree that miraculously met all of our needs and requirements, in addition to providing jobs that would provide for our needs. More so than all of this the hearts of our authorities were changed and melted in a matter of days, and we were blessed to pursue the passions of our hearts. In three days, we found ourselves lined up for new jobs, enrolling in a school we only dared dream about, and then engaged to be married and begin our life ministry as a couple. What once seemed impossible to us was and is even now placed in our laps challenging us and calling us to rise above our expectations and fulfill the expectations of God, just as He has called each and everyone of us to do. It is hard to believe that these past few years have only been the beginning of something deeper and more foreign then anything I can possibly predict. We have dreams and convictions, hopes and fears, but only God knows what our future holds. It such an odd and peculiar feeling to be a few months away from everything we have prayed for these last few years and then to have our entire lives waiting for us. What ever awaits us down the road, I wait with eager expectation, for if this past few glorious years have only been the beginning, there is no say of what we many encounter through the years. Faith has carried us so far down this road, and only faith in the power and truth of Chirst will see us through to the end. Faith really can move mountains, in our case it moved the raging seas. Here we stand as two only days away from being made one, and walking forward toward the throne of God. We are actually here in the moment experiencing thoughts and feelings we only dreamed about just weeks ago. What an incredible God.